Enough, one day…

One day I will be enough.

Enough for you.

Enough for me.

And maybe enough for God.

Until then I fall short every day and I fail.

I don’t think you realize how much I wish to meet your needs, standards, expectations, and I don’t.

I am told I need to grow.

I am told not to do this.

I am told to stop worrying.

I am told to calm down…

Why is it I am changing everything, or told to change everything about myself​.

I feel like I am being shaped, molded, sculped, but I want to be myself.

I have not even found my true self yet and I am Fighting to protect myself.

Inside and out I am Fighting.

Warfare at every turn.

I can’t defeat this on my own, and support is hard to come by but for only a moment.

Patience is great, but not enough.

I need space. Time. And patience.

Your words hurt me, and I don’t think you realize.

But that is you. 

And you tell me that I am too sensitive.

But you aren’t enough.

You aren’t sensitive enough.

If you could for only a moment dive into my brain and my constant thoughts, you would go crazy.

Maybe I am crazy. I don’t know, I just wish things would let up and life was a little bit easier for only a moment. 😦

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The Cure

alive and well is the beast in this land

this cursed land, in which we dwell.

ignorance is bliss, we say

but the knowledge of such danger is necessity.

 

preying and feasting

on all the living and breathing,

no matter what

we hold ourselves accountable.

 

when we face the beast and lose all our strength

“where is the hand?” we say,

when things don’t go our way.

when trials come,

desperation seeks

for the risen help our souls need.

but shall it grant the favor?

bestow grace on the ungrateful fakes?

God help us.

lord have mercy on us

for asking in time of need,

but giving a blind eye,

turning the cold shoulder

when life is just fine…

we all deserve the worst.

hell at its finest is all too good for me.

i deserve the bottom of the pit

even when it cant be reached.

i should go there.

dwell there.

 

i deserve the worst.

but then came the blood!

thicker than any other!

stronger than any antidote!

the Cure.

the thing that saves…

 

the desperate and wicked,

this cure is the salvation of the beast

and his venom.

the poison it injects in each and every victim…

but i wont be that victim any longer!

 

for the blood that was spilt offered me more than a death sentence!

but a life sentence!

to freedom in eternal love,

and hope,

peace and joy.

 

the one thing that the beast is vulnerable,

the Blood

the Cure.

Greater Reason

A fruit stays ripe only for a moment in time, 

Before it rots and turns to a darkened slime.

The rode stays bright and crisp for a while,

But soon fades away and falls to the ground, 

Petal by petal, til nothing stands.

We as humans are no more than fruit

Provide seeds, the rotting away.

Keeping the species replenished and active.

But inside we are dormant.

Dead and nothing but a shell.

Flesh with a soul, an empty soul only one thing can fill..

We can’t buy this thing. 

Only believe it to be true,

And one day when our bodies rot and fade away,

As we will we see the light at the end

We know then,

It’s true…

This repetitive life we live as a rose,

Is possible because of a Greater reason.

Secure Me

when will i try enough
i say i do, but it doesn’t show.

only the stresses in my head let me know

i care,

but the efforts i have cease to reflect anything of the sort

no one sees

nor understands my pain

i am hurting so much inside because i have yet to become anything more than just a girl

a girl who cant live outside of home and work

do i even meet up to standards and wishes of those i love?

no.

at least not the ones who said they would always love me.

 

and i often wonder:

why is it always the struggle of love

not even lusts,

but love.

the feeling that you are wanted and deserved instead of forgotten and irrelevant

and part of me wants to believe they still love me

for more than an obligation…

they are obligated to talk to me, or respond anyway

i push things and fall

pushing on a weightless object and i fall hard.

 

and then the one i fought for,

i know the love is there, but…

my insecurity haunts me. so much

i cry!

why cant i just be secure!

not just know, but believe!

belief is so hard for me…

it requires trust and trust doesn’t come so easy…

anymore.

i don’t trust anyone or anything.

i have little to no faith and i have no idea where to go about finding it.

i pray for it, i ask for an open mind…

but i trained myself to shut that off.

fear over hope.

fear over trust.

fear over anything besides myself…

yet that’s the problem.

how can i even put faith in myself when i am weak and nothing but a girl.

i am nothing to trust

because

i don’t even believe in myself.

 

my biggest weakness has turned out to be myself.

i have no sense of security in knowing things will be okay,

i believe that God can do anything,

but “will he?” is the question…

that is my problem.

i don’t trust he will…

yet i know God has the best in mind.

i just don’t like letting go.

i want to be in control.

independent, i need help giving myself over to the right One.

the right person. the only one who will secure me.

 

The Common Bad

​How is it the thorns of the vine 

Are greater than the fruit

Far more important than the seeds of life

Far more abundant than riches of heavenly things.
I am choked and dry heaving 

On temporary things relieving

A craving

Please uphold Your spirit within me to surpass the common good!
The common good has become all too common

The common good has become all too bad.

The common good is nothing but bad.

Anything but good.

Lusts… the common bad.

Common man, sinful and deceitful.

And the cares of this world, the desires

They deceive even the greatest of deceivers.

We are receivers of our own deceit.
The common bad.

Liars to ourselves.

Thinking the common good is what we want,

We have misunderstood,

Snakes have lured us in.

Water moccasins

Cotton mouths

Sneaky Liars

We.
Lord restore within me anything but the common good. 

Anything but the common bad.

I don’t want anything common…

Give me a peculiar name.

The abnormal anomaly

Let me be an anomaly.

Alien to the common.

Because the common is the majority

And the majority follows.
Help me, Lord, see that being abnormal is normal in Your eyes.

And Your eyes are the only eyes i need to care about to be satisfied.

To be happy.

To be Yours.

Changed

“I am what i am because of the One who changed me.

I am what i am because i wanted to be freed.

I am what i am, because my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, died to save me.

I have only him to thank for forgiving me and fighting for me.

And now i have a journey ahead of me.

I have a long road to better myself, for Him and also for me.

To show others what Christ can do in their lives…

So that one day 

They can say,

I am what i am, because of the One who changed me…”

Strength By Weakness

Bring the rain.
Bring the pain and sorrow,
To make us stronger, and truly see your grace and mercy.
When all is well, and we live on not knowing
That what we have you gave.
You bestowed by the power of  your grace.
Its when we hit our darkest places, we truly see the light
Its when we have fallen so far, we finally give up the fight
Giving you the perfect moment to pull us up
To show us your grace and mercy
To show us your love
So here I am in a messy place
Here I am needing your mercy and grace.
So bring the rain
Bring the pain and sorrow,
Show me your grace and mercy
Give me strength by weakness

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