Take This Heart of Mine

You take me to a different place

Your smile leaves me in a daze

Your eyes

They are so great

Beautiful

Different

Full

Genuine

You are everything I need and more babe

I love you from the bottom to the top

From now til the end of time

From here to the end of space

Forever and ever you are mine

And I am yours

I surrender to the love you grant me

I give my heart to you completely

Its broken to pieces from all of the stitching

But you can hold it

Even tho it was thrown over the edge not too long ago

You can sew it

Even tho it was ripped apart two months ago

You can mend it

Even tho its been scarred up so many a time

You can grow it

Even tho its been dormant from all of the lies

You can make it

I know you will do just fine

Because with your words of love you’ve proven to me time after time

That you do love me

And  you really mean it

You truly want me

And I cant believe it

I have found true love

And it has found me

When I thought I had it before

It was fools gold

And it tricked me

The fools gold lied

The fools gold betrayed

The fools gold will not prosper

For much longer

It will be traded

To a melting pot

To be burned and scorched

Tried for its pretense

And destroyed forevermore

But as for this true beauty I found

This gem I call my love

This diamond in the rough

That will never be replaced

You are irreplaceable

You are hardly imaginable

You are my knight in shining armor

My safety in the darkness

My hero in the night

You make everyday bright

You are my bright and morning star

You are my sunshine

You are my life

I love you so very much

But do you love me?

Do you accept this token?

This heart of mine?

I give it all to you.

Free.

No charge.

Only that you give me yours too

That you hold me forever

Love me til you cant any longer

Express your heart at every possible moment

And loyalty that will never diminish

Baby I love you

More than myself

What you feel I feel

When you hurt I hurt

When you cry I cry

When you laugh I laugh

When you smile I smile

Baby.

I am.

Yours.

Jean.

I am yours.

Handsome J

I am forever yours.

Will you be mine forever?

If so.

Here.

Take this heart of mine

Its broken

But its all I have left to give to you

And I hope you cherish it.

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I Found You

I will admit it

I was ready to give up

Settle for less

Just to be done

I was ready to live in an empty state

Ready to love someone I didn’t love for the rest of my life

Boy, what a mistake

 

I knew you the whole time

And I liked you in the back of my mind

from the start

But I refused to give up what I had my mind set on

I was determined to be done looking

I decided on the lesser to be done searching

 

I would twist things in my mind to make me like you less

And I would take rumors and nonsense spread

And use it to my advantage

Excuse to not like you

To not fall in love with you

 

I knew I had some feeling going on

I felt disloyal to the on I settled for

I felt like a cheater

So I distanced myself more

And I purposed to love the lesser

To forget the greater

 

 

You were the greater

You were the one I wanted from the start

But when you were taken I decided to just keep what I already knew I had

I shouldn’t have

I was just so sick of trying

Sick of aiming higher

When the arrow would just land low

 

I always heard to aim high so you don’t settle for less

But you just seemed too high

And like I said before

I gave up

I was defeated after my last breakup

I was too hurt to be broken again

 

But there I was again

Déjà vu

I reached a point where I didn’t know what to do

Other than give up completely

Drink my problems away

In apathy

I didn’t give a care anymore

I was hurt too much

I needed an escape

 

 

 

 

 

So I risked everything

And did I ever fail

I failed at my testimony

I lost it all

I lost you

And I left you

And now I am alone wishing I could just see you

Tell you in person how much I love you

Show you how much I care about you

 

But I can’t

I am enduring a trial of patience

It is so difficult to keep my head up

Hope is a hard thing for me to believe in

I have too many ups and downs

You told me to keep trying and to have faith

But I never told you these things

And I have a past in my heart

That is hard to depart

From

I would run

From God

From life

From reality

I refused to believe things that was as clear as water

So it all rushed through me

Hit every organ and left me bruised up

 

 

It was all my fault tho

I should’ve listened

I shouldn’t have settled

I shouldn’t have given up

And it this doesn’t work…

I don’t know what I will do.

But know that I love you

More than myself

I would give up anything

And I will do without

Forgive me if I doubt that you believe me when I say that

But I do

For you are my everything

And I only long for the day that I can put action to my words

And prove to you

How much I love you

For You I Will

For you, i will give up anything.

For you, i will follow your dreams.

For you i will give up mine, and i will make yours mine.

Would that make you smile?

i love your smile, your laugh and your eyes.

the way you look at me tells me your thoughts.

sad? happy? lost? angry? confused? amused? proud?

hmm.. those expressions either make me or break me.

oh yeah, and bring on the football baby.

let me learn, for you i will, to make you happy 🙂

i want to be your best friend, who is by your side through anything.

regardless if something isn’t my forte, i will make it mine,

for you i will.

for you i will give up my biggest desire.

i will swallow the pills through tears and sadness.

your happiness and satisfactions is all i need to get through life and its struggles.

you make me feel my best, you make me feel my worst,

and even when i am hurt so much, i cant bear being away from you!

so how does it feel, love?

to know that you got me wrapped around your finger so tightly.

you know that you practically own me… for you have my heart.

for you i will.

so this Sunday you had plans? well now they are mine too!

lets do this baby

for you i will 🙂

new_england-28681481-3ad8-354d-9b09-73301fdcd481

lets go Patriots! 😉

Inside

How long will it take you to be a man?
Being a man is taking care of your woman.
Not just finacially, but emotionally.
You hurt her over and over.
You opologize hardly ever, and it is only when the guilt finally gets to you from what you have done.
You drive her emotions over the ledge.
To the point she may say something back, only for you to respond coldly, making her hurt even more.
You are a monster.
How did you ever find someone to love you?
How is it your woman wants to even be with you forever.
She knows she will never be happy. … until u change
She knows you will never change for her.… until u want to
She knows that you will always cut her heart apart regularly.
Your words is what cuts.
Your apathy is what sucks.
Your careless compassion is what lacks.
Soon she will be gone and you will want her back.

She wont leave you tho.
Her soul will forever be there.
Her body will just fade away with the hurt you put in her. Time and time again.

She wants to feel wanted.
Loved
Cherished
She doesnt want to cry anymore from her heart breaking.
Why does her heart have to keep breaking?
She thought that you would make the pain go away
But
You just brought a new pain in her life.
Her love for you is what will kill her inside.

She will never leave you.
She will always support you.
She will always make you her king.
You are her most favorite thing.
She loves you more than herself,
But it doesnt matter.
She doesnt mean the same to you.
She doesn’t know.
She may hear you say it.
But words lie
Actions speak louder than words.
Maybe one day you can show her.
She needs to feel it daily.
Not once a year in February.
She needs to know daily.

She cant take it anymore.
The hurt she gets from how you speak and dont speak.
Short responses bite.

Proving your love to someone is making it a number 1 priority.
She is your #1 priority.
Money is more important.
It always was.
God may be first…
But is he really?
You told Him point blank you wont do His will u less you strike it big and you’re comfortable.

I bet God is so happy to call you His child.
His child will do His will as long as his child gets ehat he wants in return..
What sacrifice
What testimony.

Are you really sorry?
I bet you sleep great tonight.
I bet you wake up tomorrow and think all is well…
You are wrong.

She is done. She has had enough.
The other night was the last straw.
The other night was a final warning.
And now. She is done.

If you love her you will work for her.
Because, inside, she feels she isnt worth a penny.
Work for her. Show her your love.
Explain how deeply sorry.
Show her.
Stop saying you cheap apologies when she hangs up.
She is tired of always caving.
She is sick of always saying it is ok…
IT IS NOT OK. SHE IS NOT OK. SHE IS CRYING THIS VERY MOMENT.
you make her feel she is insane.
Saying how sensitve she is.
Making her feel inadequate and like a baby who cant handle life.
She feels drained.
Life is taking her by force lately.
She had a knife in her hand two days ago as she went to cut a watermelon.
You didnt know but she had bads thoughts
Bad thoughts that you didnt know about.
You dont know her struggle.
But you make her struggle harder.
The devil is on her shoulder daily.
She feels insane.
She feels like she was born to be confused and die.
She is miserable
SHE IS TRYING.
“She is unstable”
“She is bipolar”
“She is sensitive”
“She is the blacksheep”
“She is weird”
“She was homschooled”
“She has big feet”
“She is too skinny”
“She has acne”
“I would f- her up”
“She is a bitch”
“She slept with …”
“She has too much hair”
“She is insecure”
“She is bossy”
“She is comtrolling”
“She is a bad influence”
She has had enough.

And one day. Her day willcome to end misery.
Maybe the one she loves will actually save her.
Until then he dumps his blunt cold heart
Until then he doesn’t know how to be kindhearted.
He has a sensitive mind, but is so afraid of something… someone… that he wont let it shine. She needs a sensitive heart. A hard heart is hurting her.

Every single day.
She never shares her regrets because she loves him so much.
But he is what is really hurting her.
Every day.

She needs him to open up more.
She needs him to tell her how she is beautiful every day. Every day she needs him to gloat about hom amazing she males him feel.
She needs to be built up.
She cannot build her own confidence.
Shw tears herself down all the time.
Anytime she messes up, she eats herself up about it.
She aches inside to disappoint anyone.

Especially him.
His disappointment might as well drown her.
She wants him to be proud of her.
She needs him to say he is.
She needs him in many ways.
But he seems to leave her crying all the time.
He doesn’t even realize it.
How does it feel to hurt someone who loves you more than u can imagine?

Come Home, Please?

And i can still feel your lips
That last time before you left.
You gently resting your strong hands on my waist and hugging me
Your strength is what helped me say good bye.

By far the biggest decision i ever made was being with you
And now the biggest decision as of now is being apart from you.
I cant sleep well again.
For you calmed the storms that flooded my mind.
My nightmares come and go, but no one can help calm them in this cold bed.

I slept with more layers than normal to stay warm.
Its cold.
I miss your body heat.
I want to hug you so bad right now.
Kiss you.
Hold your hand.
I want to take you to work.
I want to pick you up, as you walk to the car with this smile that says “i love my baby”
But i cant. And wont.
For a while.
This short time will be the longest in my mind.

I cant bare to think of another night without you, but i must learn to live with that thought.

I thought getting up early would be hard,
But i see it wont be, for i cannot sleep.
I love you
And i miss you…
Please come home soon. 😦

My 49 thank you’s 

Thank you,

For not being what they thought you were

For stealing my heart and repaying it with yours

For loving me no matter

For caring

For never letting a day go by without saying ‘I love you’

For proving my doubts wrong time and time again

For being what I need to you to be

For lifting me up when I am lonely

For being my friend when no one else calls me

For loving me so well I can never want anything more

(Only more and more of what you give)

For providing for me

For kissing me

For hugging me and holding me

For never letting another man walk over me

For being my rock

For being my safe Haven

For being my comfort and peace 

For calming me down

For hyping me up

For bringing me laughter

For your love for God

For your drive to do better

For your motivation to take me highest

For making me happy

For striving to be a man after God’s own heart

For being the husband a wife is not deserving of

For humbling yourself enough to marry me

For putting me before everyone else

For putting me before everything else

For letting nothing come between us

For keeping my spirits up when I feared we would never see each other again

For coming miles just to see me an hour or two

For all the things you plan to do

For my first Valentine’s day with you

For the bears, chocolates, heart’s, and kisses

For a love that still blazes on

For smiling when I’m happy

For granting my wishes

For being all you are

For answering every phone call

For texting me every possible moment you miss me

For spending time with me anytime possible

For putting your friends aside and putting me first

For putting them in their place when they said things about me

Thank you for all you do and will do

Thank you for changing for me

Thank you for making me so important to you that changing a few things about yourself is nothing

For your continuous love,

Thank you.

Missing Us

All I want right now is to lay my head on your chest, 

I am tired, lonely, I need to rest

But I can’t get the thought of how much I miss you out of my mind.

I feel we never spend any quality time…

Life has been pushing us around. Schedules have been controlling our life.

Family devotion I been working towards, but it seems one on one for more than 5 minutes is never an option.

I want to cry, but I am going to be strong…

Maybe my hormones are unbalanced, maybe there’s nothing wrong…

But I just miss you! I miss the times we used to have walking down the road. Hand in hand. 

Sitting on the grass watching the water.

You taking pictures of me, even tho I didn’t really like it… 

I miss it.

I want to go back to it.

The newness I guess has worn off, and I am left missing you…

Missing us. 

Enough

Am i good enough?
A question that haunts my every thought…

Every day i wonder if i am what you always wanted. 

Am i good enough?

For you?

I never feel like i am… i guess that’s where my insecurity reaches out to infinity.
So am i?

Am i enough?

Do you have to look elsewhere to another to feed your fantasies?

To meet your standards?

Do i meet your desires?

Grant them with one wish if i could.

I beg to God i am sufficient. 

That i am enough.

That me as a person, growing each day, is enough for you.
I make mistakes.

I say stupid things…

But is it too late? 

To ask, am i enough?

Was i enough for a while and now empty?

Do i fill the void you have?

Am i enough?

Is what i have… enough?

😦

I hope you aren’t pretending.

Wish

My one wish is affection
i want love in a way i never had before

not just physical,

but the knowledge it will last forever, not just a season

i wish peace of mind would stay instead of coming in spurts

i want to be joy filled

forever, not a moment of happiness

i want freedom

the happiest i am is when the love of my life comes to me.

not i, him

when he takes me on an adventure

i want adventure!

i want space…

not held in the same place i been my whole life.

i wish for someone who will look to me, and ask for my love

instead of me always wanting it… i want to give it to someone who gives it back more than i

the look in my child’s eyes, when they look to me and i am their world.

and they are mine,

that. is my one wish.

someone who will take care of me and my feelings,

sweet innocence to find me the most beautiful even when there are others more beautiful than i,

someone who will look to me and ask for help and love, instead of me always asking

someone who want my attention, instead of me always wanting the attention

can i give it for once to one who wants it back??

thats my one wish.