Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Only

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Love Is Never Enough

We spend our time working hard just to catch another dollar

We push loved ones to the side just for our names to get larger

Gotta push another person farther

Gotta make a safe distance

Gotta make sure they dont know me Isolation is never enough,

Solitary it really dont get us enough

Time alone; is a cherished time

Because there is no one to look you in the eyes

Or see the many times you cry

No one will ever know you lied

Remember that one time you said you were just fine

But really inside, you were dying to not cry

Trying to force them tears back and lie

Care so much of them and what they think you wear a disguise

Cake it on like makeup and change your looks, you die inside your demise

Make sure no one will ever read your hook

And truly find the meaning of why you say that  its never enough

People in this world become so cold and

nothing can warm them up

Only the feeling of being loved

and cherished

But once that feeling fades,

back to the cold familiar place

I spent all this time tryna be a people pleaser

but it aint do nothing for me but made me

lose some of me

I always cared to much of what others say

Too much of what others think

And i needed long ago to learn my do’s and donts

I needed to find in myself what others wont

And i wish i didnt fall so hard to all these fakes who dont

Care about what i deserve and about my wellbeing

i will sacrifice and be giving so much

Circumstances in every hurt doesnt really matter

Because whats past is past and its never enough

It will never be enough

For you to try and please everyone

all the love, doesnt really last and it aint enough

It aint enough

You can love so hard it cant be mistaken

And it aint enough

You can try to trust all you want

It wont be enough

But in the back your head it will be thoughts you dont want

Because trust isnt real in the world anymore

Stay poppin them pills and rollin it up

Hoping to numb the pain, aint never sobbered up enough

Its not enough

Why stay in this world when the pain is so mucht to bare

Why stay alive for someone you love, when they are hurting with you

Just as much

That cant be reason enough

My 49 thank you’s 

Thank you,

For not being what they thought you were

For stealing my heart and repaying it with yours

For loving me no matter

For caring

For never letting a day go by without saying ‘I love you’

For proving my doubts wrong time and time again

For being what I need to you to be

For lifting me up when I am lonely

For being my friend when no one else calls me

For loving me so well I can never want anything more

(Only more and more of what you give)

For providing for me

For kissing me

For hugging me and holding me

For never letting another man walk over me

For being my rock

For being my safe Haven

For being my comfort and peace 

For calming me down

For hyping me up

For bringing me laughter

For your love for God

For your drive to do better

For your motivation to take me highest

For making me happy

For striving to be a man after God’s own heart

For being the husband a wife is not deserving of

For humbling yourself enough to marry me

For putting me before everyone else

For putting me before everything else

For letting nothing come between us

For keeping my spirits up when I feared we would never see each other again

For coming miles just to see me an hour or two

For all the things you plan to do

For my first Valentine’s day with you

For the bears, chocolates, heart’s, and kisses

For a love that still blazes on

For smiling when I’m happy

For granting my wishes

For being all you are

For answering every phone call

For texting me every possible moment you miss me

For spending time with me anytime possible

For putting your friends aside and putting me first

For putting them in their place when they said things about me

Thank you for all you do and will do

Thank you for changing for me

Thank you for making me so important to you that changing a few things about yourself is nothing

For your continuous love,

Thank you.

Shadow of Aris

image

Silence crept into the night and cold air swept through the sun faded curtains of an open window as Aris lay on her bed with the anticipation of seeing it again. She remembered at times when she was a child she wondered how it followed her. Then she discovered it was when light was hidden from it. At times when light could go no further, that’s when it would descend upon the cold earth.

But now, she was waiting on her grandmother’s death bed. Yes. Her grandmother had died in that bed roughly three years prior. Aris still smelled the musty scent her dead grandmother left on that yellow stained mattress. And she hated her for it. I’m glad she died worthless wench. Aris hated her grandmother, she tried to claim to be Aris’s mother, but Aris would have no part in it. Her mother and father died when she was young, leaving Aris to her grandmother.

The strict, hard-nosed Nazi that needed to be killed. But anyways, back to the waiting game. Waiting for that peculiar ghostly shadow that makes its way into Aris’s room every night. She thought of naming it. Peter pan. Hah! Like peter pans shadow… But little did she know there was more to this “shadow” than what she liked to admit.

Aris was sixteen now, living alone in the two-story barn house her Great-grandfather built many years before. There was a creepiness to the place that Aris had yet to find out, but she was too sick in the head to pay much attention to that. If it’s haunted, then maybe I will be able to talk to more than just myself… more than just the demons in my head aha! Aris was normal she thought. She didn’t find herself any different than the other teenage girls that would cut themselves. They do it for the game of attention. I do it for my friends called demons. They relieve me of my black soul.

Well here it was 11:36pm, and the shadow had yet to appear in the window like she was used to. Where the he-… her words cut short as she realized the shadow was in bed with her. Right next to her. Well, haven’t you just made yourself at home? Truth is, the shadow had become so much a part of her life, and any time without the shadow seemed odd.

She relied on the shadow to lead her, and guide her feet. She no longer controlled the shadow, and no longer the shadow stood behind her afraid of the sun. The shadow was her light, and the shadow was more than just a dark spot on the ground, it controlled her. The shadow was a representation of her life. It slowly progressed over time and slowly grew, slowly became darker, slowly became… her. And now she was here. Sleeping with this monster shadow she liked to call Peter Pan… The shadow that became her friend. Her Saviour. Her home.

The Haunting Of Longwood (Part 6)

“Good morning mom. I’m sorry for calling you in the middle of the night, but I’m serious I saw hi-” Eve was cut off by her mother Lori, and grew more and more upset. “Eve there’s no possible way that happened. It’s not possible. It was in the middle of the night, and you yourself said that you had a dream of him before you woke up to…This… Hallucination.”
“mom! You weren’t there! It was Drew! I…I…touched him…Mom you have to believe me! Please. You are all i have left…”eves father had unexpectedly walked out on Lori just after Eve got married. Lori was just now getting used to being alone. “Eve… I… You have Asia. Not just me. I’m sorry, but this is too much for me… This soon after what happened… It is normal for you to see things on that medicine.”
“Mom, I haven’t been taking it.”
“…why?”
“Because I have a fear of becoming addicted to it. But that doesn’t matter. I saw what I saw. And if you don’t believe me… Then… Forget it.
“Bye mom. I need to get Asia breakfast.”
“Eve”- click
Lori swore. Eve had hung up.


As tired as Odile was, she couldn’t fall asleep easy. After seeing a ghost, much less the ghost of the innocent creature she murdered… It was beginning to actually scare her. The surreal ness of this ghost she’d seen was the cause of the extreme adrenaline rush racing in through her insides. She kept replay the same scene in her mind of Drew pointing to the playground and begging something. Was that a harbinger of something? She continuously thought. Odile was taking a shower and trying to push her vivid replays of the night prior. She didn’t know what route to take now, being that her “plan A” didn’t work. She didn’t consider thinking of a “plan B”. Now she was stuck. She got out of the shower and got ready to go out. Out to Longwood.


“Asia! Hurry up if you want to go to the park!” Eve exclaimed as she put her brown suede boots on. She had promised Asia to take her to the park, and she was finally following through after making the promise four weeks before. That was one small tree Eve had always had. Procrastinating. But after Drew’s death, it was harder than pulling teeth to take Asia alone. Going to the park was a family tradition every Saturday. Her, Asia, and Drew. It was perfect. But since his death, it has been difficult breaking that habitual activity of walking to the neighborhood park as a trio. But now it would be just her and Asia. She didn’t want to go. But she didn’t want to be the kind if mother that let her own will supersede her child’s more than fitting her wants. Eve’s desires came after Asia’s. Just like when Eve was growing up. Her mother was the perfect mother in her eyes. Lori sacrificed so much for others. But she especially favored Eve, over everything and everyone. I wonder if I was a selfish girl growing up… Or if I am now…? Eve thought as she was putting Asia’s beautiful long brown hair in two braids. “Are you ready? Got everything?”
“Yes mommy.” Asia’s face brightened. She had always enjoyed the little neighborhood park. No matter how small it was, the best part of the park to Asia was the little hill she rolled down. Eve always searched for ant mounds, preventing Asia from having bites. “Alright then, let’s do this.” God help me…
Eve asked God to rid herself of anxiety. Going without Drew for the first time was harder than she imagined. She was about to start her car, when she realized she didn’t have her keys. “Be right back Asia, I forgot the keys. Stay put.”
“Yes mommy.” Asia said in an angelic voice. Asia truly was pure, in every way. Drew picked a good name for you, Asia Eve thought. She got inside and saw the keys on the foyer shelf.
She reached for them, but froze. She saw it again. The thing. The blueish transparent ghost. Drew. “Oh my God!”
She was about to run outside to her car to get her phone to call her mother, but saw Drew motioning something. “What?”
He was pointing outside somewhere, and appeared to be begging something. “What is it Drew…” Eve was about to step closer, but she heard the door open. Asia was impatient sometimes, and was wondering where the devil her mother was. “Mommy?”
Eve in a flash positioned herself so Asia couldn’t see the Casper she was hiding. “What sweetie, didn’t I say to stay put?!” Eve said in a nervous tone. “Sorry mommy, what are you doing?” Asia caught on that Eve was hiding something and she peeked her head around Eve, hoping to see the surprised she was hiding. After all Christmas was right around the corner. “Asia! Stop!” Asia stopped immediately and tears began to run down her cheeks. “I’m sorry honey, I… I’m sorry…” Eve never yelled at Asia. Never. Eve turned around, and Drew was gone. “Daddy” Asia pointed the direction he was in seconds before. “Where honey?” Asia continued to point and tell her what she saw, but Eve dismissed it. Hoping Asia wouldn’t remember this. “Are you ready to go to the park?”
Asia hesitated, but said yes.


Asia quickly forgot about the sighting less than an hour before. She currently was sitting in the sand box playing with her Barbie and stuffed animals she brought. Eve didn’t like the idea of bringing her daughters toys, but in the end Asia won. As Asia was playing Eve was reading Ted Dekker’s Skin. As interesting and intense the book was, Eve was extremely tired, because of the last night. She didn’t want to think of the ghost. She quickly pushed the horrid thought out of her mind. She started dozing off. But fought it. She had been fighting her drowsiness for about 30 minutes now. But she finally gave up the fight. And she was gone. Gone in dreamland. Hopefully not to dream of… That thing.

Part 3 The Haunting Of Longwood

Three years later…

“Asia! Come here please!”
Asia was almost three now, and full of energy. She had escaped to the backyard and was running through the piles of crunchy leaves that covered the ground. It was a small fenced in backyard. There was a Maple tree in the center of the yard with a play set to the left corner and a shed to the right corner. The yard was littered with Frisbees and balls as if they owned a dog. But after all the recent dog attacks, Drew and Eve decided they didn’t want one. “Asia!! Where are you?! Come here!”
Knowing that her playtime had come to a halt Asia ran around the tree and hid. But not before Eve saw her. If it wasn’t for the fact that Asia was so cute, Eve would have probably been mad at her disobedience. Eve snuck up to the tree just as Asia popped her head around. They looked at each other for a full two seconds before Asia started to run off, but didn’t get far before Eve grabbed her arm, snatched her, and raised her to the sky. Rrriiiiinnnggg. The phone. Eve ran inside with Asia on her hip and answered. “Hello?”
It was a deep gravelly voice that sent a shiver down her spine. “Hello. Is this Eve Parke?”
“Who is this?” she set Asia in a play pin.
“I am Officer Tracy Willow, and I am calling to… um… inform you that uh… ma’am there has been a… accident.”
Eve was already worrying. Drew was an officer and worked with other officers, of course, but he had never mentioned this “Tracy” figure. She cleared her groggy throat and said “Is everything alright?” His voice sounded shaky this time. “Mrs. Parke, for no apparent reason, your husband has been shot.” The words sliced through her stomach and bound her organs together. “Excuse me?!?” Eve heard what he said but what was she to say? “Is he okay?!?” she exclaimed.
“Ma’am the shots were fired by an unidentified suspect and they were… fatal.” he paused to let it sink in. “He is dead.”
“What?!? Where were his Backup?!?”
“Mrs. they were all there. All five died and before any more help could be called, and the gunman was gone… If there is anythin-“ click. She hung up. She didn’t even notice her daughter wining in the background. Her beloved husband that had sacrificed everything and gave his heart to her was… gone. Or was he? Was this real? Certainly he couldn’t be gone. The daily routine of making Folger Breakfast Blend coffee, ironing Drew’s pants and softly kissing him before he left… She’d forgotten the dangers of a police officer. The habitual pattern replayed in her mind. Did she tell him she loved him this morning before he left? Her head was spinning and she felt uneasy. Yep. She knew it. She rushed to the bathroom flipped the toilet lid and hurled that mornings breakfast into the blue water. Her head started throbbing. Her throat burned as a big ball formed. She noticed her breathing stopped. She began hyperventilating and panicking. Drew was dead.


The neighborhood looked nice. Made up of quaint homes, most with the stereotypical picket fences. The yards were well groomed with green grass and colorful plants. There it was… The small, yellow, cottage style home, that was home to Eve and Drew Parke, well, now it was just Eve. For Drew’s gut had swallowed seven bullets earlier that day. Why seven? Because that’s the number of completion, right? Well, that didn’t matter. What mattered now was what would happen in exactly two weeks. That’s when the torture would began.

Part 2 The Haunting Of Longwood (Short Story)

“We will need pink party streamers-”
“No!! Purple, Drew! Not pink!?!”
“Oh! Excuse me, purple streamers.” Drew’s wife, Eve, quickly corrected him before he made the dreadful mistake of directing her mother to get the God forsaken pink streamers. “Okay. That will be fine… Alright, we will see you then… Alright… You too, goodbye Lori.” Drew was getting things ready for the baby shower that had been put off too long. The baby shower was that evening and, the baby was due the next day. Talk about procrastination. “I’m sorry, Drew, I don’t mean to yell, but how many time do I need to tell you I absolutely can’t stand-”
“Pink, I know…” Drew had to interrupt otherwise Eve might have turned another stupid subject into an hour long conversation.
But the silence that followed the interjection quickly made Drew regret cutting her off.
“Sorry honey, I am just a little stressed.” With her hormones constantly off balance, I think I can snap every once in a while! Drew thought.
“It’s okay dear, I understand”
Of course you do!! Drew noticed his hateful thoughts and took a deep breath. “Well, we better get ready to go”, Eve said, changing the subject. “Okay.”


The baby shower wasn’t as big as expected. But everything was purple! Purple balloons, purple presents, purple table cloths, everything was purple. Eve and Drew decided to do the shower at a friend’s neighborhood clubhouse. The building was very generic and plain – A square building with two windows on either side of the only door. But the biggest disappointment was that there was no bathroom. Oh wait, there was an outhouse outside about 50 yards away by the neighborhood park. Oh well, guess the people would have to either enjoy the springtime air or hold their bladder. “Oh my! What a great idea!” Eve said as she unwrapped the gift. It was a wrap mothers used to carry their baby on their front. She opened many gifts but came to an abrupt stop when- “Ahh!!” she screamed. Everyone practically jumped out of their seats. She immediately apologized for her outburst and went back to unwrapping the gifts while talking with the ladies. Throughout the entire shower she had had several contractions, but this most recent one had been such a sharp pain! She was about to open Aunt Josie’s gift when she froze. She looked as though she might faint. The color in her face left her and she looked panicked. Her water broke.


Luckily the hospital was right around the corner. After being rushed to the hospital the baby was born in less than two hours. As Eve lay in the hospital bed, Drew was holding the sleeping beauty. He looked at Eve hoping she was awake. She was. Good.

“So what do you want to name her?” Drew asked. “Amethyst Rosetta. What do you have in mind?” Drew raised an eyebrow.
“Because I love purple and I like the idea of naming a girl after a flower.” she explained. His face didn’t change.
“So what do you want to name her?”
He thought for a minute and said, “Asia.” He paused a moment before continuing. “I don’t know about a middle name, I haven’t really thought on it.”
“Why Asia?” she asked.
“I heard it means pure, and I like it…” he looked at the little baby and smiled. The baby started to move a little. Must be food time. Drew got up and handed the baby girl to Eve.
“How about Asia Rosetta?” Eve said. Drew smiled and gave his wife a soft kiss on her forehead.
“I love it.” So her name was Asia Rosetta Parke.