Butterflies

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You give me butterflies that flutter in my stomach
The thought of being with you is all I could ask for

The way you gaze at me
I know you like what you see
But she’s got you wrapped up so tight you barely breathe
Much less be with me

We’ve known each other for quite some time
Matter of fact
Our entire lives
The flirting moments we had when we were young
Have faded away
But my memory of it isn’t gone

Oh how I wish to pour my heart out to you
I think you know how I feel
And I know your feeling too
These butterflies aren’t here for no reason
We’ve had them for years
And you are committing treason
Against yourself
You know you love me
I am constantly there penetrating your thinking

Maybe it’s all in my head
Maybe these butterflies are misleading…

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Cost of freedom

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I have risked my life
many a time
Twenty years and counting
have I lost my mind?
Fighting for people who I will never know
In foreign countries I often go
I run and I hide to escape the ammo
Bullet trains fly by my head, I should get low
I see my friend fall, as he was hit in the chest
Violently killed he was shot to death
To fight for a country is like a horror story
Most that have the opportunity
To go back home
Come back an alcoholic
To escape what they had seen and been through
If only america knew
The price of her freedom
America has lost her sight of true patriotism
And lost all form of any nationalism
Unless with these soldiers they have a relation
They truly will never understand the cost of their freedom.

Breathe Again

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Water gulped through her lungs
She comes up spewing
Coughing

Eyes bloodshot and burning
The breath of air would be like a glimpse of heaven
Paralysis from the whirlpool of sin
Controlled by the currents that kept her in

She swam with her uttermost strength
But nothing happened
Just loss of energy

The humiliation of her own weakness
Seemed to drown her continually
The air she grasped for
Too far from her reach

The crowds laughter
Like the jaws of sharks teeth
Chewing her up
Eating her soul
Ripping her heart apart

Tears hidden
By the water she’s trapped in

She just wants to breathe again.
One breath.
For one second.
Then back in to the torment of life.
Life had become an overwhelming whirlpool.
Holding her
Keeping her from leaving it
No freedom
No happiness
Just incarceration
Just depression

The chasm that separates
The sea from the sky
Can only be crossed with someone on the other side
Not by one’s power alone

Who will pull her through?
Who will reach down to drag her up?
She is drowning
Who will dive in to save her?
Who will catch her and
Be her hero,
Be her rescuer,
Be her safety,
The love of her life,
Her security,
Her husband,
Her friend;
Until the end?

Who will let her breathe again?

Bullied

I am socially awkward
And I am overweight
I don’t have any friends
And my hygiene isn’t that great

I am the one sitting alone
At the lunch table at school
Waiting on someone to come over and talk to me

All my life I have seen hate;
Pain and suffering.
Something has always hurt me.
I am not normal,
I’ve been told,
I’ve also been told I should’ve died long ago.

I trust no one;
I’ve learned I can’t
Because people bail on you,
And fail you,
Time and time again.

My whole life I’ve been bullied;
All I’ve ever wanted is to feel loved, cherished, and
To know someone will care about me.

Since I was born I’ve been treated awful
And until I die I will endure a struggle.

I’m always on the move
Each place I live is only temporary
And besides my mother who smokes and drinks every day
I don’t have any family.

All of this I felt until I met someone
Who fulfilled my desire to be loved;
And he even died for me at one point.

I’ve talked to him ever since I met him,
And even tho I can’t see him
I feel his presence.

He really changed every part about me,
Now when people bully me,
I feel bad for where they are heading.

My destination is heaven,
And theirs is nowhere.

They are going nowhere in life,
They live in the moment,
But when they are dead they will
look back at all the times
I witnessed to them,
And they will ask for help.

But it will be too late.

They all think I am ignorant
But really I am much smarter than them.
I think in the long run where my life will be
And I don’t want to head down the road of misery.
I am the bullied christian and this is my story.

Karma

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I’m cornered
I am trapped
But like a rabid raccoon
I’m about to attack
You won’t see it coming
I will do it while you laugh
You’ve tripped me up for the last time
And there is no going back

Forgiven, yes
But forgotten, no
But no worries
I will take care of your soul
I will lash out and do what I please til I’m through
And as a deer in the headlights
There will nothing for you to do

These lines are from aggravation
A result of my irritation
I am karma, this you know
Now prepare for your reaping of what you’ve sowed

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3am

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I am still awake

I see the bright moon
I make images out of the constellations

Too bright to sleep
Too dark to be awake

Brain feeling like a million strings
Rustling around to keep me from sleeping

White noise from the fan
Confusing me further

Look to the hallway
I see the TV flashing like a strobe light

Train horns blowing
And helicopters’ lights overhead

God whispers in my ear
Time for bed

I fall asleep
And the last thing I remember

It was 3am.

How I Write

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One day I was sitting in boredom
Thinking of what to do.
I hadn’t enough time to do much of anything,
So I took the time to right down a few things…:
I write whatever is on my mind;
It may not be long and it may not rhyme,
But I write til my heart is content,
And I’m out of thoughts and my mind is spent.
I start out with one word,
Sometimes two or three;
A word turns into a sentence
And before I know it I’m writing!

Doubts

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Swarming in my head.
Blood curdling
Screams of the dead
And also the living
A cemetery of souls
The lost and the found
Alluring my attention
My will is the prevention
Of death.
Of falling eternally in a bottomless pit.
Who I am with
Is none other than the devil.
My skin is wrinkled,
Grey, and shrivelled.
Demons oppress me.
They tell me I am forever lost
No way to heaven
When I am bound by the chains of the devil himself.
He has bound me
Not by chains of metal,
But chains of my worst memories
All the tragedies I’ve encountered
All the decisions I made
They scream at me I will never be good enough
I can’t be saved
And will be forsaken
I will be like Satan
Damned to hell sempiternal
Damned to a place infernal
Damned to darkness so thick I can touch it
Damned to solitude, so alone its unimaginable
No one to scream to when I’m burning alive
No one around
Just me, myself, and the fire
Damned to gnashing of teeth
Damned to nightmares
Creatures to horrify me forever and ever
All my worst God forsaken dreams come to life and terrify me.
They will kill me
Over and over again
But I will never die
Only endure the torment
Swarming in my head
Doubts arouse my brain
Blood dripping from my pores
As I stress to the point of insanity
Hell will last forever
Not like the kind of hell I feel on earth
Is it worth it
To bite the bullet
And slit my throat now?
Do I want to die now?
Am I already dead now?
What is hell like?
What if it isn’t real?
Is burning alive in black fire,
The hottest fire possible
Worth these doubts?
Should I just settle it now?
What do I have to lose?
It wouldn’t hurt to believe it
Except it
And never feel the flames.
Ignoring my doubts will be the worst thing…
If hell is real…
Is it?
Is heaven real?
What is heaven like?
Is God real?
Will he save me,
After my life of unforgettable,
Unforgivable sins?
Only one way to find out…
Give my life to him.
But what about my pleasures
My favorite things to do
Yes, I live a wretched life
But I love it
I would hate to lose it…
But what I would gain, if its real, is so much more
After all my life is but a vapor
I won’t lose much
But if eternity is real
Then I would lose my golden ticket to heaven
And I would find the free ticket to hell.
Doubts are like nightmares
Because i don’t know the answer
Its like a coin…
50/50 chance of winning or losing.
Doubts.
Swarming in my head.
Blood curdling
Screams of the dead
And also the living
A cemetery of souls
The lost and the found
Alluring my attention
My will is the prevention
Of death.

The Hollow Men (by T.S. Eliot)

The Hollow Men
by T S Eliot

                       I

    We are the hollow men
    We are the stuffed men
    Leaning together
    Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
    Our dried voices, when
    We whisper together
    Are quiet and meaningless
    As wind in dry grass
    Or rats’ feet over broken glass
    In our dry cellar
   
    Shape without form, shade without colour,
    Paralysed force, gesture without motion;
   
    Those who have crossed
    With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom
    Remember us-if at all-not as lost
    Violent souls, but only
    As the hollow men
    The stuffed men.

   
                              II

    Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
    In death’s dream kingdom
    These do not appear:
    There, the eyes are
    Sunlight on a broken column
    There, is a tree swinging
    And voices are
    In the wind’s singing
    More distant and more solemn
    Than a fading star.
   
    Let me be no nearer
    In death’s dream kingdom
    Let me also wear
    Such deliberate disguises
    Rat’s coat, crowskin, crossed staves
    In a field
    Behaving as the wind behaves
    No nearer-
   
    Not that final meeting
    In the twilight kingdom

   
                   III

    This is the dead land
    This is cactus land
    Here the stone images
    Are raised, here they receive
    The supplication of a dead man’s hand
    Under the twinkle of a fading star.
   
    Is it like this
    In death’s other kingdom
    Waking alone
    At the hour when we are
    Trembling with tenderness
    Lips that would kiss
    Form prayers to broken stone.

   
                     IV

    The eyes are not here
    There are no eyes here
    In this valley of dying stars
    In this hollow valley
    This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms
   
    In this last of meeting places
    We grope together
    And avoid speech
    Gathered on this beach of the tumid river
   
    Sightless, unless
    The eyes reappear
    As the perpetual star
    Multifoliate rose
    Of death’s twilight kingdom
    The hope only
    Of empty men.

   
                           V

    Here we go round the prickly pear
    Prickly pear prickly pear
    Here we go round the prickly pear
    At five o’clock in the morning.
   
    Between the idea
    And the reality
    Between the motion
    And the act
    Falls the Shadow
                                   For Thine is the Kingdom
   
    Between the conception
    And the creation
    Between the emotion
    And the response
    Falls the Shadow
                                   Life is very long
   
    Between the desire
    And the spasm
    Between the potency
    And the existence
    Between the essence
    And the descent
    Falls the Shadow
                                   For Thine is the Kingdom
   
    For Thine is
    Life is
    For Thine is the
   
    This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends
    Not with a bang but a whimper.

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