For You I Will

For you, i will give up anything.

For you, i will follow your dreams.

For you i will give up mine, and i will make yours mine.

Would that make you smile?

i love your smile, your laugh and your eyes.

the way you look at me tells me your thoughts.

sad? happy? lost? angry? confused? amused? proud?

hmm.. those expressions either make me or break me.

oh yeah, and bring on the football baby.

let me learn, for you i will, to make you happy 🙂

i want to be your best friend, who is by your side through anything.

regardless if something isn’t my forte, i will make it mine,

for you i will.

for you i will give up my biggest desire.

i will swallow the pills through tears and sadness.

your happiness and satisfactions is all i need to get through life and its struggles.

you make me feel my best, you make me feel my worst,

and even when i am hurt so much, i cant bear being away from you!

so how does it feel, love?

to know that you got me wrapped around your finger so tightly.

you know that you practically own me… for you have my heart.

for you i will.

so this Sunday you had plans? well now they are mine too!

lets do this baby

for you i will 🙂

new_england-28681481-3ad8-354d-9b09-73301fdcd481

lets go Patriots! 😉

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Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Self

Being alone has become more and more accepted

I think when I finally find a good friend I won’t even accept it

I won’t want or need it because by then,

Being alone will be just enough to satisfy my self.

So, goodbye others

Hello, self

Time for me to be happy alone, because to be honest,

There is no body else.

I have my husband, and when he is gone I am lonesome,

But only his presence captivates me and makes me happy 🙂

I could be with him 24/7 and never tire.

Others however, well, let’s just say I do tire.

After 30 minutes I’m ready to leave.

After an hour I am annoyed.

And after two hours I am good for a month (time to silence the ringtone and start ignoring calls)

That is if I get calls…

So self, hello to a new me. Being happy with my own company. My own silence. No noise.

No arguing. No laughter. No shouting. No clapping. Running. Falling. Playing games. Just me, my self, and I.

Welcome, self.

The life of being alone constantly begins. Until I find a substitute for this loneliness, I am quite fine with my self.

Enough, one day…

One day I will be enough.

Enough for you.

Enough for me.

And maybe enough for God.

Until then I fall short every day and I fail.

I don’t think you realize how much I wish to meet your needs, standards, expectations, and I don’t.

I am told I need to grow.

I am told not to do this.

I am told to stop worrying.

I am told to calm down…

Why is it I am changing everything, or told to change everything about myself​.

I feel like I am being shaped, molded, sculped, but I want to be myself.

I have not even found my true self yet and I am Fighting to protect myself.

Inside and out I am Fighting.

Warfare at every turn.

I can’t defeat this on my own, and support is hard to come by but for only a moment.

Patience is great, but not enough.

I need space. Time. And patience.

Your words hurt me, and I don’t think you realize.

But that is you. 

And you tell me that I am too sensitive.

But you aren’t enough.

You aren’t sensitive enough.

If you could for only a moment dive into my brain and my constant thoughts, you would go crazy.

Maybe I am crazy. I don’t know, I just wish things would let up and life was a little bit easier for only a moment. 😦

What’s inside of me…

I am going to do something I never done before… share my deepest, darkest, innermost thoughts. When you get done reading it you may think I am a whack job. Maybe an emo. Maybe a spycho. Or maybe a normal human being who hurts like everyone, loves like everyone, and breathes like everyone… but just remember we all have skeletons in the closet. 

Okay.

So to tell you how I feel I will have to dig deep. Deeper than I ever have before. Deeper than the wound of your lover cheating on you. Deeper than the trench in the ocean. Deeper than any pain or hurt you could imagine. I must go deep.

Empty.

Have you ever felt so empty you could not begin to describe how empty you felt? So empty that not even God seems to fill you. So empty that food would never satisfy. Crazy isn’t it? How bout this.

Hurt.

You ever felt so much hurt that it felt numb. Bled so many tears you couldn’t cry anymore? Breaking down is a normal thing for you, and you literally schedule a time to cry because you know it’s time to. Not that you necessarily have a legit reason as of late, but you know deep down, “okay, time to shed the last bit of salt water in my body.” Ever felt that?

Stress.

Ever stressed so much that your stresses turn into nightmares. That vivid scene portrayed in your mind becomes reality. For a moment. But a moment too long. Nightmares depicted so vividly you feel the pain when you wake up. I had a dream I was running, Barefoot on rocks. My feet bled and I sobbed as I tried to escape my rapist. I woke up, fists clenched and my feet aching as I got up to get ready for work. It’s becoming a normal thing for me. Yes, I will never get used to it, but it is a normal thing. It is a normal thing for me to stress so much it affects my breathing. I hyperventilate. I stare into space. Thoughtless. Motivation withered away. Apathy settled in and there I am alone.

Alone.

Have you ever felt so alone, that you don’t even acknowledge others existing around you? I walked the street and didn’t see people. Or cars. Not houses… I saw nature. Cows and birds chirping. Horses and an occasional squirrel… but no one else but me around. God was there, but I couldn’t feel Him. I felt alone. So lonely you cry yourself to a panic. Ever felt that? Knowing you have absolutely no one to talk to. No one cares to understand you, only to give you there opinion on why you feel alone, and what you should do to fix it. They don’t bother to help you, or comfort you. They don’t bother to understand… just tell you what they think. Well, here’s what I think. I think suicide.

Suicide.

You ever thought about after life? How amazing heaven must be. And how, if it’s so perfect, why are we still here. What’s the point to live if living isn’t even living. I feel like I am surviving. I can’t even make it on my own, how is life worth living if I can’t live. But as soon as you prepare to take your life you think of those who love you… your husband. Your wife. Your brother. Sister. Mother. Father. Friend. Co-worker. How many people would I affect? Am I even that important to this world? How would I be missed. Would it? How long? How long till they’d move on…

Trapped.

Ever felt trapped? Take a wrong turn but there’s no uturns. No way to turn back around and make the right turn. No way to get those around you to understand that your GPS lost signal. Time to recalculate. Time to reboot my friendship… is it even worth it?

I am depressed. I have anxiety. And the doctors have told me to take the meds, but I don’t want to! I am not a loony person. I am in no need of something to alter my personality… I rather feel nothing. And that’s what I am is nothing. I can’t say everything I feel, words can’t describe sometimes. If you feel nothing, how can it be compared to anything? If you feel a deep hurt, how will anyone know unless they are you? How will anyone know things people have said about you? And how being called easy by your own father hurt you so much. That being called a whore by numerous people changed you. That being called ditsy made you feel like you couldn’t accomplish much. That words cut like knives. Or maybe even machetes. Words completely cut off my life. I feel kinda dead inside. Ever been called a bitch? Or a f****** b****? yeah. It doesn’t feel good. Especially when you been sheltered your whole life. You know nothing. Nothing about paying bills, social life, work, or, you know… life. It’s all so knew I am I am screwed. I am done with life. And to be honest if I didn’t live another day it may be better for everyone.

Naked

My husband y’all 🙂 enjoy

PoemsFromTheHeartcom

Strip me off of all of my clothes
And you will say that I am Naked
Am I?
Clothes are off
All skin is showing
But am I really naked?

I say I’m fully clothed
How bout you?
The Heart you can’t see
Feelings that are in the depths of me. You can’t see
Yet I am naked?
To the blind eye?
Guess it’s blind for a reason.

The pain
The suffering
All that is within me
All which is clothed from within
Clothed from within
But you say I’m naked?
Am I?

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Changed

“I am what i am because of the One who changed me.

I am what i am because i wanted to be freed.

I am what i am, because my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, died to save me.

I have only him to thank for forgiving me and fighting for me.

And now i have a journey ahead of me.

I have a long road to better myself, for Him and also for me.

To show others what Christ can do in their lives…

So that one day 

They can say,

I am what i am, because of the One who changed me…”