Inside

How long will it take you to be a man?
Being a man is taking care of your woman.
Not just finacially, but emotionally.
You hurt her over and over.
You opologize hardly ever, and it is only when the guilt finally gets to you from what you have done.
You drive her emotions over the ledge.
To the point she may say something back, only for you to respond coldly, making her hurt even more.
You are a monster.
How did you ever find someone to love you?
How is it your woman wants to even be with you forever.
She knows she will never be happy. … until u change
She knows you will never change for her.… until u want to
She knows that you will always cut her heart apart regularly.
Your words is what cuts.
Your apathy is what sucks.
Your careless compassion is what lacks.
Soon she will be gone and you will want her back.

She wont leave you tho.
Her soul will forever be there.
Her body will just fade away with the hurt you put in her. Time and time again.

She wants to feel wanted.
Loved
Cherished
She doesnt want to cry anymore from her heart breaking.
Why does her heart have to keep breaking?
She thought that you would make the pain go away
But
You just brought a new pain in her life.
Her love for you is what will kill her inside.

She will never leave you.
She will always support you.
She will always make you her king.
You are her most favorite thing.
She loves you more than herself,
But it doesnt matter.
She doesnt mean the same to you.
She doesn’t know.
She may hear you say it.
But words lie
Actions speak louder than words.
Maybe one day you can show her.
She needs to feel it daily.
Not once a year in February.
She needs to know daily.

She cant take it anymore.
The hurt she gets from how you speak and dont speak.
Short responses bite.

Proving your love to someone is making it a number 1 priority.
She is your #1 priority.
Money is more important.
It always was.
God may be first…
But is he really?
You told Him point blank you wont do His will u less you strike it big and you’re comfortable.

I bet God is so happy to call you His child.
His child will do His will as long as his child gets ehat he wants in return..
What sacrifice
What testimony.

Are you really sorry?
I bet you sleep great tonight.
I bet you wake up tomorrow and think all is well…
You are wrong.

She is done. She has had enough.
The other night was the last straw.
The other night was a final warning.
And now. She is done.

If you love her you will work for her.
Because, inside, she feels she isnt worth a penny.
Work for her. Show her your love.
Explain how deeply sorry.
Show her.
Stop saying you cheap apologies when she hangs up.
She is tired of always caving.
She is sick of always saying it is ok…
IT IS NOT OK. SHE IS NOT OK. SHE IS CRYING THIS VERY MOMENT.
you make her feel she is insane.
Saying how sensitve she is.
Making her feel inadequate and like a baby who cant handle life.
She feels drained.
Life is taking her by force lately.
She had a knife in her hand two days ago as she went to cut a watermelon.
You didnt know but she had bads thoughts
Bad thoughts that you didnt know about.
You dont know her struggle.
But you make her struggle harder.
The devil is on her shoulder daily.
She feels insane.
She feels like she was born to be confused and die.
She is miserable
SHE IS TRYING.
“She is unstable”
“She is bipolar”
“She is sensitive”
“She is the blacksheep”
“She is weird”
“She was homschooled”
“She has big feet”
“She is too skinny”
“She has acne”
“I would f- her up”
“She is a bitch”
“She slept with …”
“She has too much hair”
“She is insecure”
“She is bossy”
“She is comtrolling”
“She is a bad influence”
She has had enough.

And one day. Her day willcome to end misery.
Maybe the one she loves will actually save her.
Until then he dumps his blunt cold heart
Until then he doesn’t know how to be kindhearted.
He has a sensitive mind, but is so afraid of something… someone… that he wont let it shine. She needs a sensitive heart. A hard heart is hurting her.

Every single day.
She never shares her regrets because she loves him so much.
But he is what is really hurting her.
Every day.

She needs him to open up more.
She needs him to tell her how she is beautiful every day. Every day she needs him to gloat about hom amazing she males him feel.
She needs to be built up.
She cannot build her own confidence.
Shw tears herself down all the time.
Anytime she messes up, she eats herself up about it.
She aches inside to disappoint anyone.

Especially him.
His disappointment might as well drown her.
She wants him to be proud of her.
She needs him to say he is.
She needs him in many ways.
But he seems to leave her crying all the time.
He doesn’t even realize it.
How does it feel to hurt someone who loves you more than u can imagine?

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Come Home, Please?

And i can still feel your lips
That last time before you left.
You gently resting your strong hands on my waist and hugging me
Your strength is what helped me say good bye.

By far the biggest decision i ever made was being with you
And now the biggest decision as of now is being apart from you.
I cant sleep well again.
For you calmed the storms that flooded my mind.
My nightmares come and go, but no one can help calm them in this cold bed.

I slept with more layers than normal to stay warm.
Its cold.
I miss your body heat.
I want to hug you so bad right now.
Kiss you.
Hold your hand.
I want to take you to work.
I want to pick you up, as you walk to the car with this smile that says “i love my baby”
But i cant. And wont.
For a while.
This short time will be the longest in my mind.

I cant bare to think of another night without you, but i must learn to live with that thought.

I thought getting up early would be hard,
But i see it wont be, for i cannot sleep.
I love you
And i miss you…
Please come home soon. 😦

Ready, Set, GO!!

Should i just stop trying?

just live?

should i just stop caring?

just go with the flow?

im not what i used to be,

and sadly i dont know what that was.

i just know nothing feels the same anymore.

im ready to just do whatever i want,

free spirit.

i dont want boundaries.

i want to do whatever i please.

if that means leaving all ive ever known,

then ready, set, GO!

im gone.

What is Love?

We all want to know what love is. what it feels like, what it looks like, what it smells like, and even what it sounds like.

All our senses kick in when we think about love.

what is love?

is love honesty?

Someone hurting you by letting you know you are a bitch and you need help. that you are bipolar and need medication. or maybe that you are depressed with anxiety and need a Xanex. maybe you are too sensitive and need to toughen up. you need to grow up, act your age… you know, those talks to better you…

those talks people give to someone who is always in trouble. always insecure and crying, so they find it necessary to tell us what we need to do and how we need to do it. helpful talks, yes, but is it really what we need in those dark times? is that love?

is love positivity?

is love ignoring the pain someone is going through and being rediculously positive. always laughing and smiling. the opposite of honesty. lying and saying it is all ok and you are fine… you dont need help, you just need to get out and get your mind off things. yeah, that does help! but only about 30 minutes, because the whole time you are out to forget things and relax you are exhausting your mind to forget and relax! the whole reason you get out is to relax, forget, and enjoy life and you do the opposite because you try so hard to accomplish those things. everything you do is harder than it should be. only because you make it hard. not intentionally! but you cant help it… you overthink everything and the harder you try not too, the more you overthink! so the anxiety kicks in, even when you are out for a coffee with a friend.

is love a person?

we hear that God is love, but what is love you cant feel? what if you tried your whole life to feel God but you never have. you never heard Him, you never seen Him… you know he is there because that is all you have ever known but you cant help but doubt because you never had that one on one “thing”. God is supposed to be personal, but i never had that personal connection, so i am left believing love could be a person. is it your mother? father? brother, sister, friend, lover, husband, wife? tell me…

is it that person you want to much to please. you want them to be happy with you. smile at you constantly and tell you how they appreciate you so much. that even tho you are nothing and dont meet any standards, you are perfect in their eyes. you have the perfect everything for THEM. you want to meet their needs and standards, and you try so hard to make them see you but they dont. yeah, they see you… but not your emotions. not your heart. not your desires. and most of the time when you show all these things, they are still blind to see everything there is about you. so you are left feeling alone.

I want to have love inside me. but i find myself wanting to give up constantly. i have always had love around me, but i have such a hard time actually accepting it and believing it is real! i may sound crazy, and i dont expect anyone to understand, because, lets face it, no one wants to understand anything that is difficult to understand. why try to understand anything if it doesnt make sense.

it truly is a miserable world when you think no one understands you. and whether they try or not, they just dont. they dont get it. you want to make everyone happy with you. when someone isnt happy with you it hurts you so deep. if someone talks about you badly, it hurts you so deep! if you ever let someone down, you hurt. when you make a mistake, you are scared to face it. you want perfection. they say all you see is this fairytale life, and that nothing is perfect… but all you ever known is perfect. you grew up not knowing how the world really is, and now that you see it unraveling every day before your eyes, you panic and wonder how did it come to this!? where is the love?? what is love?

 

Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Self

Being alone has become more and more accepted

I think when I finally find a good friend I won’t even accept it

I won’t want or need it because by then,

Being alone will be just enough to satisfy my self.

So, goodbye others

Hello, self

Time for me to be happy alone, because to be honest,

There is no body else.

I have my husband, and when he is gone I am lonesome,

But only his presence captivates me and makes me happy 🙂

I could be with him 24/7 and never tire.

Others however, well, let’s just say I do tire.

After 30 minutes I’m ready to leave.

After an hour I am annoyed.

And after two hours I am good for a month (time to silence the ringtone and start ignoring calls)

That is if I get calls…

So self, hello to a new me. Being happy with my own company. My own silence. No noise.

No arguing. No laughter. No shouting. No clapping. Running. Falling. Playing games. Just me, my self, and I.

Welcome, self.

The life of being alone constantly begins. Until I find a substitute for this loneliness, I am quite fine with my self.

My 49 thank you’s 

Thank you,

For not being what they thought you were

For stealing my heart and repaying it with yours

For loving me no matter

For caring

For never letting a day go by without saying ‘I love you’

For proving my doubts wrong time and time again

For being what I need to you to be

For lifting me up when I am lonely

For being my friend when no one else calls me

For loving me so well I can never want anything more

(Only more and more of what you give)

For providing for me

For kissing me

For hugging me and holding me

For never letting another man walk over me

For being my rock

For being my safe Haven

For being my comfort and peace 

For calming me down

For hyping me up

For bringing me laughter

For your love for God

For your drive to do better

For your motivation to take me highest

For making me happy

For striving to be a man after God’s own heart

For being the husband a wife is not deserving of

For humbling yourself enough to marry me

For putting me before everyone else

For putting me before everything else

For letting nothing come between us

For keeping my spirits up when I feared we would never see each other again

For coming miles just to see me an hour or two

For all the things you plan to do

For my first Valentine’s day with you

For the bears, chocolates, heart’s, and kisses

For a love that still blazes on

For smiling when I’m happy

For granting my wishes

For being all you are

For answering every phone call

For texting me every possible moment you miss me

For spending time with me anytime possible

For putting your friends aside and putting me first

For putting them in their place when they said things about me

Thank you for all you do and will do

Thank you for changing for me

Thank you for making me so important to you that changing a few things about yourself is nothing

For your continuous love,

Thank you.

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