Tag Archives: hurt

Grey Space

Think deep

 

Long and hard

 

Imagine.

That you are in a grey space, nothing but time can fill

And even time, can not even fill this space.

It is never ending.

 

This space is your mind.

 

Now take this space and fill it.

With actions every day.

But not just any daily occurrence, but only the hurt and pain you been through.

 

Fill this space, your mind, this time with only the most hurtful moments in your life.

 

Anytime you were bullied, verbally or physically,

Anytime you were backstabbed.

Lied to.

Fired from a job.

Homeless… anything in your life that you wish never happened,

You wish you could redo it over.

Anything that breaks your heart to the point of the most deepest sorrow…

 

Now imagine, a small square about the size of a penny in this space.

This very large never ending space of pure hell…

 

That penny size square is all the happiness you can think of in your life.

Now, you know that penny is much bigger, but in your mind, in this space you are trapped in it appears so small..

 

Welcome to my mind.

 

The place that i cannot think of anything happy,

The space that i cannot think of anything to be thankful for because i cannot see past the negativity in my life.

 

I cannot see past the bad spots,

The jealousy,

The hurt,

The change of everything in life.

 

I dont even recognize myself anymore,

I dont know what to do with myself.

 

With no desire to live but no motivation to end life, i live in this space, and waste time.

Just waiting for the day that it all ends….

 

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How Can It Be?

How can it be that i am still not on top

On top of life

On top of myself

 

How can it be that i am dead last

Everyone has passed

Lap after lap

 

How can it be i am never understood

Maybe because no one could possibly relate to my pain

 

My heartache is only my own,

Sometimes i wonder if ever God can understand…

 

So how can it be that i am so alone?

Despite the loneliness i know i have someone here.

 

I have my God, and my husband.

But why do i still feel this way?

 

How can it be that i feel like the only person in the world

Even tho there are millions of people here

Even tho i pass hundreds daily….

 

How can it be?

Ever So Often

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

 

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

 

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

 

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

 

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

 

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

 

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Cards

You know something,

You can’t make people happy. No matter how much you may try, you will disappoint, anger, sadden,  and hurt people in life. The cards you play are not always right. More than not they are wrong. More than not they mess up your next move. More than not it makes moves harder for others. More than not others react and mess up your thought process to make a better move. To play with a good strategy and be tormented with an endless 

supply of bad thoughts is terrifying. It is stressful. 

I am at a loss for words as to why i am where i am in life. It really doesn’t matter what i do, i sew discord. It doesn’t matter what i say i offend. It doesn’t matter my what my opinion, stance, or conscience says it is wrong to others. I can never just do what i please without worrying about what another may say. I may never have the freedom and confidence to make a decision on my own without the opinion or ruling of another.

Opinions matter. I take tips in my play in this game called life. We all gamble. We all win, we all lose. We sometimes draw.

We make friends, we lose them. We gain trust and lose it. Love comes and goes. It flees in the time of pressure or loss.

It doesn’t matter the placement in a family. You are the bottom when it comes to an opinion. You are wrong, you are right. We always have to have the last word.

When will it end? Fighting all the time. Drama feeds on our words. Words dig into the flesh and soul of another and hurt them. Causing grudges you may never return from.

I will never have the last word. I will never have the first. I state my peace and cry as it never goes my way. Others get in and mix up emotions. My emotions are dry. I have nothing left to say. I am done. I tried. I wanted more, but i now see i will never get more. I give up. I surrender. I have forever lost this fight. So leave me alone. I am happy with the cards i have, but my opponent fails to acknowledge. I feel like i must decide which to play next. I feel pressured into playing a certain way, but my heart and gut tells me not to! Can i please play in peace?!! Can i play on my own. With your encouragement and happiness for me. I am in a rut, but success is on the way and you must stress my hands more. I cry. I wept. Shared words that i never should have, but now it is too late. I say too much.

You know too much. I can never trust anyone with the truth of what i possess in my mind because they will use it against me. Learning my moves then saying how it will and won’t work. Let me find out. I want to deal my own hand! I want to take control of my turn. My play. My cards. My life!

I don’t want my opponents to leave. I love them. But they are making it hard for me to involve them in my game. They make it hard for me to share with them my thoughts on my hand, for if i do somehow i end up giving up cards that i wished to keep. It’s pointless to talk, to explain. That is when people hurt people. That is when the dagger leaves the sleeve and one cuts another. Don’t speak. Let the anger escape. Vent it out. And be quiet. Let us play a quiet game.

Inside

How long will it take you to be a man?
Being a man is taking care of your woman.
Not just finacially, but emotionally.
You hurt her over and over.
You opologize hardly ever, and it is only when the guilt finally gets to you from what you have done.
You drive her emotions over the ledge.
To the point she may say something back, only for you to respond coldly, making her hurt even more.
You are a monster.
How did you ever find someone to love you?
How is it your woman wants to even be with you forever.
She knows she will never be happy. … until u change
She knows you will never change for her.… until u want to
She knows that you will always cut her heart apart regularly.
Your words is what cuts.
Your apathy is what sucks.
Your careless compassion is what lacks.
Soon she will be gone and you will want her back.

She wont leave you tho.
Her soul will forever be there.
Her body will just fade away with the hurt you put in her. Time and time again.

She wants to feel wanted.
Loved
Cherished
She doesnt want to cry anymore from her heart breaking.
Why does her heart have to keep breaking?
She thought that you would make the pain go away
But
You just brought a new pain in her life.
Her love for you is what will kill her inside.

She will never leave you.
She will always support you.
She will always make you her king.
You are her most favorite thing.
She loves you more than herself,
But it doesnt matter.
She doesnt mean the same to you.
She doesn’t know.
She may hear you say it.
But words lie
Actions speak louder than words.
Maybe one day you can show her.
She needs to feel it daily.
Not once a year in February.
She needs to know daily.

She cant take it anymore.
The hurt she gets from how you speak and dont speak.
Short responses bite.

Proving your love to someone is making it a number 1 priority.
She is your #1 priority.
Money is more important.
It always was.
God may be first…
But is he really?
You told Him point blank you wont do His will u less you strike it big and you’re comfortable.

I bet God is so happy to call you His child.
His child will do His will as long as his child gets ehat he wants in return..
What sacrifice
What testimony.

Are you really sorry?
I bet you sleep great tonight.
I bet you wake up tomorrow and think all is well…
You are wrong.

She is done. She has had enough.
The other night was the last straw.
The other night was a final warning.
And now. She is done.

If you love her you will work for her.
Because, inside, she feels she isnt worth a penny.
Work for her. Show her your love.
Explain how deeply sorry.
Show her.
Stop saying you cheap apologies when she hangs up.
She is tired of always caving.
She is sick of always saying it is ok…
IT IS NOT OK. SHE IS NOT OK. SHE IS CRYING THIS VERY MOMENT.
you make her feel she is insane.
Saying how sensitve she is.
Making her feel inadequate and like a baby who cant handle life.
She feels drained.
Life is taking her by force lately.
She had a knife in her hand two days ago as she went to cut a watermelon.
You didnt know but she had bads thoughts
Bad thoughts that you didnt know about.
You dont know her struggle.
But you make her struggle harder.
The devil is on her shoulder daily.
She feels insane.
She feels like she was born to be confused and die.
She is miserable
SHE IS TRYING.
“She is unstable”
“She is bipolar”
“She is sensitive”
“She is the blacksheep”
“She is weird”
“She was homschooled”
“She has big feet”
“She is too skinny”
“She has acne”
“I would f- her up”
“She is a bitch”
“She slept with …”
“She has too much hair”
“She is insecure”
“She is bossy”
“She is comtrolling”
“She is a bad influence”
She has had enough.

And one day. Her day willcome to end misery.
Maybe the one she loves will actually save her.
Until then he dumps his blunt cold heart
Until then he doesn’t know how to be kindhearted.
He has a sensitive mind, but is so afraid of something… someone… that he wont let it shine. She needs a sensitive heart. A hard heart is hurting her.

Every single day.
She never shares her regrets because she loves him so much.
But he is what is really hurting her.
Every day.

She needs him to open up more.
She needs him to tell her how she is beautiful every day. Every day she needs him to gloat about hom amazing she males him feel.
She needs to be built up.
She cannot build her own confidence.
Shw tears herself down all the time.
Anytime she messes up, she eats herself up about it.
She aches inside to disappoint anyone.

Especially him.
His disappointment might as well drown her.
She wants him to be proud of her.
She needs him to say he is.
She needs him in many ways.
But he seems to leave her crying all the time.
He doesn’t even realize it.
How does it feel to hurt someone who loves you more than u can imagine?

Ready, Set, GO!!

Should i just stop trying?

just live?

should i just stop caring?

just go with the flow?

im not what i used to be,

and sadly i dont know what that was.

i just know nothing feels the same anymore.

im ready to just do whatever i want,

free spirit.

i dont want boundaries.

i want to do whatever i please.

if that means leaving all ive ever known,

then ready, set, GO!

im gone.

Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Self

Being alone has become more and more accepted

I think when I finally find a good friend I won’t even accept it

I won’t want or need it because by then,

Being alone will be just enough to satisfy my self.

So, goodbye others

Hello, self

Time for me to be happy alone, because to be honest,

There is no body else.

I have my husband, and when he is gone I am lonesome,

But only his presence captivates me and makes me happy 🙂

I could be with him 24/7 and never tire.

Others however, well, let’s just say I do tire.

After 30 minutes I’m ready to leave.

After an hour I am annoyed.

And after two hours I am good for a month (time to silence the ringtone and start ignoring calls)

That is if I get calls…

So self, hello to a new me. Being happy with my own company. My own silence. No noise.

No arguing. No laughter. No shouting. No clapping. Running. Falling. Playing games. Just me, my self, and I.

Welcome, self.

The life of being alone constantly begins. Until I find a substitute for this loneliness, I am quite fine with my self.

Hurt enough

I guess I can never hurt enough

Never hurt enough for you to care enough

Never enough for you to realize to pain you bring upon me.

To me.

In me.

I could die any moment and that is when you care.

But while I am breathing you are unaware,

That I cry on the daily.

I just never let you see,

Why should I?

I don’t need sympathy.

I do t want your pity.

I don’t need anything, just empathy,

Maybe show you care a little more?

I am never good enough. I always have room for improvement, like us all of course, but for me? It’s worse.

I’m sorry I made you mad, I’m sorry I am not enough,

Im sorry that I am sensitive,

I’m sorry I cry,

I’m sorry that I ask too much of you, I’m sorry that I don’t meet your standards of what you deem ok, I’m sorry, ok?? I’m sorry.

I just wanted to take something on my shoulders, handle an adult situation and it blew up in my face.

And you were angry with me.

What you said to me hurt me, and what huts me even more, you don’t care.

You know what you said.

You know how it would be taken,

You know that I would be upset,

And you are not mistaken.

I broke down today at work.

Life is taking me out quick.

To be honest I wouldn’t mind if it ended, I would be in a better place. 

In peace.

And I wouldn’t have to worry if I meet your needs.

Enough, one day…

One day I will be enough.

Enough for you.

Enough for me.

And maybe enough for God.

Until then I fall short every day and I fail.

I don’t think you realize how much I wish to meet your needs, standards, expectations, and I don’t.

I am told I need to grow.

I am told not to do this.

I am told to stop worrying.

I am told to calm down…

Why is it I am changing everything, or told to change everything about myself​.

I feel like I am being shaped, molded, sculped, but I want to be myself.

I have not even found my true self yet and I am Fighting to protect myself.

Inside and out I am Fighting.

Warfare at every turn.

I can’t defeat this on my own, and support is hard to come by but for only a moment.

Patience is great, but not enough.

I need space. Time. And patience.

Your words hurt me, and I don’t think you realize.

But that is you. 

And you tell me that I am too sensitive.

But you aren’t enough.

You aren’t sensitive enough.

If you could for only a moment dive into my brain and my constant thoughts, you would go crazy.

Maybe I am crazy. I don’t know, I just wish things would let up and life was a little bit easier for only a moment. 😦