Underlying

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What it is?
Why?
How?
I try.
I been trying so hard!
Why wont it die!?
I can do all these things
But i still end up with the same plight
Depression
Anxiety
Misery
Negativity
Oh my God.
Help me. Please
I know You are my strength
My security
But it never settles in!
There’s something underlying.
Something that keeps me from having a peace
Im crying
Begging for a cure
An antidote
But i dont have a clue where
But this is killing me softly
The devil is using me to fight me
At least thats what i been told
And the logic to that
Well
It makes sense
So what is underlying…
Myself.
My weakness
My addiction that i have
And the guilt i can’t free
God
Save me
From what’s underlying…

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Addiction

I was reading some of my older posts. And i read this one and realozed it still applies to me. Sometimes when i write at one time i will come back and be like… What was i thinking? Or im glad im not like that anymore… But this is still exactly how i feel.
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Addiction – http://wp.me/p5Zr1y-ef

Circle Of Life

You said I’d never make it

But look where I’m at now

You said I couldn’t take it

But look what I’m dishing out

I’m feeling invincible

After surviving the tsunami of torment

And I’m standing taller now that I surfed the waves of hate

All the times you spat upon me when I was falling

And all the times you never acknowledged me when I was calling

Crawling

Stalling

Begging for help from one who was standing

I would be making progress

But you didn’t even notice

And when I fell six feet under you would dance on my grave

Well

I no longer care

I have passed the crossroad of dependency

I am no longer looking to you for help

I am no longer giving you my time

I am no longer letting you strip away my very life

I am no longer letting you tell me how my life will be,

But instead,

Role reversal

I am going to be shoving down your throat all that you wanted me to be

I will tell you how it will happen

And soon you will see

How you treated me

And all the other slaves you chained

You chained us all with our greatest strength

But we quickly established it to be our greatest enemy

I couldn’t overcome it

The chains embedded themselves into my flesh

Forcing me to live with it and I dare not to rip it out

Because as soon I shall

Lord knows I would’ve endured hell

At one time you protected me from danger

And at one time I trusted you

At one time I loved you and cherished every moment spent with you

I never thought of the day when I would despise you

Abhor you with all my being

Wish for the day that I could dance on your grave

Longing for the time when you fall and I laugh in your face

Some call it spite

Some call it karma

I call it the circle of life

And you’ve had it coming for a while

Addiction

How is it that it controls my being?
Why is it that I can’t survive a day without it?
Why is it so much a part of me?
Like it’s my heartbeat
A required part for my breathing
I dread the days it leaves me
Gasping for air
Heaving
It is my drug
If it dissipates
Withdrawals run through my veins
It’s in my blood
It is a part of my soul
It is me
It completes me and makes me whole
It soothes my anger
It calms me in disaster
It takes me away when I don’t want to live any longer
It pumps me up when times are rough and I need a boost
What would I do?
Without this addiction?
My mood may never be soothed,
Smoothed,
Renewed…
From the ruffles
And struggles
That form over time
That come into my life
When I am overcome with the nostalgia of the past
Things I don’t want to remember that can’t be taken back
Things that I wish never crossed my mind
And things that I know will fade over time
But I can’t help but relinquish the fact it can’t be taken back
And that regret and pain is where it’s at
That’s where the struggles are
It’s from those things that I have my scars
And even though I am bound by chains of penance
This thing
This addiction
Cures it
It makes me forget why I relent it
But it is a temporary heal
It only last for a few minutes
So the need for more and more of this drug
Has become more and more a necessity
I can’t stop now
It is a part of me
And I wish that others can see
That I am not crazy
And this thing isn’t a monste
It is something that I am attached to
Like a bear cub and its mother
When predators attack and that cub is hurt
That mother comes and violently kills all the perverts
That spit at the cub
And give their hate speech
Leaving that cub to fall on its back
Losing a grip of the earth under its feet
When will it end?
All the torment
When will I live again?
Without having to shoot this drug into my body
When will I breathe again?
Without a cord running into me
When will I begin to be happy? When?
When!?
Today?
No.
Today is gone and over with?
Tomorrow?
No. I am too addicted
Next week?
Next month?
Next year?
When?
Never…
Because that drug is what keeps me alive

Time Is Up

You’re a pain inside
without you I’d still be alive
You’re a killing machine
Pain and sorrow is what you bring

You take away my spirit
You bring a demon
Change my way if thinking
I’m ashamed of you
But I can’t let you go
No matter how much I want to

I sealed my own doom
Said goodbye to what I once was
Now I can’t get rid of you
You’re now in, you’re controlling me

Here we go again
Decisions, decisions
Which will I pick
left, right, east or west
I am still on the line
Up, down, north, south
I need to make this quick
I love you so much
Too late my time is up…