Tag Archives: life

Grey Space

Think deep

 

Long and hard

 

Imagine.

That you are in a grey space, nothing but time can fill

And even time, can not even fill this space.

It is never ending.

 

This space is your mind.

 

Now take this space and fill it.

With actions every day.

But not just any daily occurrence, but only the hurt and pain you been through.

 

Fill this space, your mind, this time with only the most hurtful moments in your life.

 

Anytime you were bullied, verbally or physically,

Anytime you were backstabbed.

Lied to.

Fired from a job.

Homeless… anything in your life that you wish never happened,

You wish you could redo it over.

Anything that breaks your heart to the point of the most deepest sorrow…

 

Now imagine, a small square about the size of a penny in this space.

This very large never ending space of pure hell…

 

That penny size square is all the happiness you can think of in your life.

Now, you know that penny is much bigger, but in your mind, in this space you are trapped in it appears so small..

 

Welcome to my mind.

 

The place that i cannot think of anything happy,

The space that i cannot think of anything to be thankful for because i cannot see past the negativity in my life.

 

I cannot see past the bad spots,

The jealousy,

The hurt,

The change of everything in life.

 

I dont even recognize myself anymore,

I dont know what to do with myself.

 

With no desire to live but no motivation to end life, i live in this space, and waste time.

Just waiting for the day that it all ends….

 

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I Found You

I will admit it

I was ready to give up

Settle for less

Just to be done

I was ready to live in an empty state

Ready to love someone I didn’t love for the rest of my life

Boy, what a mistake

 

I knew you the whole time

And I liked you in the back of my mind

from the start

But I refused to give up what I had my mind set on

I was determined to be done looking

I decided on the lesser to be done searching

 

I would twist things in my mind to make me like you less

And I would take rumors and nonsense spread

And use it to my advantage

Excuse to not like you

To not fall in love with you

 

I knew I had some feeling going on

I felt disloyal to the on I settled for

I felt like a cheater

So I distanced myself more

And I purposed to love the lesser

To forget the greater

 

 

You were the greater

You were the one I wanted from the start

But when you were taken I decided to just keep what I already knew I had

I shouldn’t have

I was just so sick of trying

Sick of aiming higher

When the arrow would just land low

 

I always heard to aim high so you don’t settle for less

But you just seemed too high

And like I said before

I gave up

I was defeated after my last breakup

I was too hurt to be broken again

 

But there I was again

Déjà vu

I reached a point where I didn’t know what to do

Other than give up completely

Drink my problems away

In apathy

I didn’t give a care anymore

I was hurt too much

I needed an escape

 

 

 

 

 

So I risked everything

And did I ever fail

I failed at my testimony

I lost it all

I lost you

And I left you

And now I am alone wishing I could just see you

Tell you in person how much I love you

Show you how much I care about you

 

But I can’t

I am enduring a trial of patience

It is so difficult to keep my head up

Hope is a hard thing for me to believe in

I have too many ups and downs

You told me to keep trying and to have faith

But I never told you these things

And I have a past in my heart

That is hard to depart

From

I would run

From God

From life

From reality

I refused to believe things that was as clear as water

So it all rushed through me

Hit every organ and left me bruised up

 

 

It was all my fault tho

I should’ve listened

I shouldn’t have settled

I shouldn’t have given up

And it this doesn’t work…

I don’t know what I will do.

But know that I love you

More than myself

I would give up anything

And I will do without

Forgive me if I doubt that you believe me when I say that

But I do

For you are my everything

And I only long for the day that I can put action to my words

And prove to you

How much I love you

Ready, Set, GO!!

Should i just stop trying?

just live?

should i just stop caring?

just go with the flow?

im not what i used to be,

and sadly i dont know what that was.

i just know nothing feels the same anymore.

im ready to just do whatever i want,

free spirit.

i dont want boundaries.

i want to do whatever i please.

if that means leaving all ive ever known,

then ready, set, GO!

im gone.

What is Love?

We all want to know what love is. what it feels like, what it looks like, what it smells like, and even what it sounds like.

All our senses kick in when we think about love.

what is love?

is love honesty?

Someone hurting you by letting you know you are a bitch and you need help. that you are bipolar and need medication. or maybe that you are depressed with anxiety and need a Xanex. maybe you are too sensitive and need to toughen up. you need to grow up, act your age… you know, those talks to better you…

those talks people give to someone who is always in trouble. always insecure and crying, so they find it necessary to tell us what we need to do and how we need to do it. helpful talks, yes, but is it really what we need in those dark times? is that love?

is love positivity?

is love ignoring the pain someone is going through and being rediculously positive. always laughing and smiling. the opposite of honesty. lying and saying it is all ok and you are fine… you dont need help, you just need to get out and get your mind off things. yeah, that does help! but only about 30 minutes, because the whole time you are out to forget things and relax you are exhausting your mind to forget and relax! the whole reason you get out is to relax, forget, and enjoy life and you do the opposite because you try so hard to accomplish those things. everything you do is harder than it should be. only because you make it hard. not intentionally! but you cant help it… you overthink everything and the harder you try not too, the more you overthink! so the anxiety kicks in, even when you are out for a coffee with a friend.

is love a person?

we hear that God is love, but what is love you cant feel? what if you tried your whole life to feel God but you never have. you never heard Him, you never seen Him… you know he is there because that is all you have ever known but you cant help but doubt because you never had that one on one “thing”. God is supposed to be personal, but i never had that personal connection, so i am left believing love could be a person. is it your mother? father? brother, sister, friend, lover, husband, wife? tell me…

is it that person you want to much to please. you want them to be happy with you. smile at you constantly and tell you how they appreciate you so much. that even tho you are nothing and dont meet any standards, you are perfect in their eyes. you have the perfect everything for THEM. you want to meet their needs and standards, and you try so hard to make them see you but they dont. yeah, they see you… but not your emotions. not your heart. not your desires. and most of the time when you show all these things, they are still blind to see everything there is about you. so you are left feeling alone.

I want to have love inside me. but i find myself wanting to give up constantly. i have always had love around me, but i have such a hard time actually accepting it and believing it is real! i may sound crazy, and i dont expect anyone to understand, because, lets face it, no one wants to understand anything that is difficult to understand. why try to understand anything if it doesnt make sense.

it truly is a miserable world when you think no one understands you. and whether they try or not, they just dont. they dont get it. you want to make everyone happy with you. when someone isnt happy with you it hurts you so deep. if someone talks about you badly, it hurts you so deep! if you ever let someone down, you hurt. when you make a mistake, you are scared to face it. you want perfection. they say all you see is this fairytale life, and that nothing is perfect… but all you ever known is perfect. you grew up not knowing how the world really is, and now that you see it unraveling every day before your eyes, you panic and wonder how did it come to this!? where is the love?? what is love?

 

Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Self

Being alone has become more and more accepted

I think when I finally find a good friend I won’t even accept it

I won’t want or need it because by then,

Being alone will be just enough to satisfy my self.

So, goodbye others

Hello, self

Time for me to be happy alone, because to be honest,

There is no body else.

I have my husband, and when he is gone I am lonesome,

But only his presence captivates me and makes me happy 🙂

I could be with him 24/7 and never tire.

Others however, well, let’s just say I do tire.

After 30 minutes I’m ready to leave.

After an hour I am annoyed.

And after two hours I am good for a month (time to silence the ringtone and start ignoring calls)

That is if I get calls…

So self, hello to a new me. Being happy with my own company. My own silence. No noise.

No arguing. No laughter. No shouting. No clapping. Running. Falling. Playing games. Just me, my self, and I.

Welcome, self.

The life of being alone constantly begins. Until I find a substitute for this loneliness, I am quite fine with my self.

My 49 thank you’s 

Thank you,

For not being what they thought you were

For stealing my heart and repaying it with yours

For loving me no matter

For caring

For never letting a day go by without saying ‘I love you’

For proving my doubts wrong time and time again

For being what I need to you to be

For lifting me up when I am lonely

For being my friend when no one else calls me

For loving me so well I can never want anything more

(Only more and more of what you give)

For providing for me

For kissing me

For hugging me and holding me

For never letting another man walk over me

For being my rock

For being my safe Haven

For being my comfort and peace 

For calming me down

For hyping me up

For bringing me laughter

For your love for God

For your drive to do better

For your motivation to take me highest

For making me happy

For striving to be a man after God’s own heart

For being the husband a wife is not deserving of

For humbling yourself enough to marry me

For putting me before everyone else

For putting me before everything else

For letting nothing come between us

For keeping my spirits up when I feared we would never see each other again

For coming miles just to see me an hour or two

For all the things you plan to do

For my first Valentine’s day with you

For the bears, chocolates, heart’s, and kisses

For a love that still blazes on

For smiling when I’m happy

For granting my wishes

For being all you are

For answering every phone call

For texting me every possible moment you miss me

For spending time with me anytime possible

For putting your friends aside and putting me first

For putting them in their place when they said things about me

Thank you for all you do and will do

Thank you for changing for me

Thank you for making me so important to you that changing a few things about yourself is nothing

For your continuous love,

Thank you.

Hurt enough

I guess I can never hurt enough

Never hurt enough for you to care enough

Never enough for you to realize to pain you bring upon me.

To me.

In me.

I could die any moment and that is when you care.

But while I am breathing you are unaware,

That I cry on the daily.

I just never let you see,

Why should I?

I don’t need sympathy.

I do t want your pity.

I don’t need anything, just empathy,

Maybe show you care a little more?

I am never good enough. I always have room for improvement, like us all of course, but for me? It’s worse.

I’m sorry I made you mad, I’m sorry I am not enough,

Im sorry that I am sensitive,

I’m sorry I cry,

I’m sorry that I ask too much of you, I’m sorry that I don’t meet your standards of what you deem ok, I’m sorry, ok?? I’m sorry.

I just wanted to take something on my shoulders, handle an adult situation and it blew up in my face.

And you were angry with me.

What you said to me hurt me, and what huts me even more, you don’t care.

You know what you said.

You know how it would be taken,

You know that I would be upset,

And you are not mistaken.

I broke down today at work.

Life is taking me out quick.

To be honest I wouldn’t mind if it ended, I would be in a better place. 

In peace.

And I wouldn’t have to worry if I meet your needs.