My Heart Speaks

Show me your face

I want to see you

I want to see your glory

I want to see your power

This very hour

So do it in me

My heart speaks out right now oh God

I need more than just comfort

I need love

I need affection

I need mercy

Forgiveness and hurt my heart speaks

My heart speaks out right now oh God

I life my voice up and i sing to you in vain

My worship is not enough

My heart speaks to You

I long for Your free acceptance

Your genuine love that far that exceeds man’s character

My heart speaks Lord

I give up

I want to die forever

To this world. To myself. I want to die to everything for You.

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Losing

Losing something you never got to even hold

The worst pain that can’t be explained only comprehended

Just within reach and then one day flies away to a stream of blood and waste

I try to have faith

But it feels at the moment it was all a waste

So i remind myself it was never in vain

Never give up

Dont have hate

Just faith

Faith faith faith

Continue to believe that this just isnt time and place

I will never forget my first time

And as soon as it came it went

Every ache pain and discomfort i have had

Cannot amount to the pain i feel now

First thing on my mind is to give up

Why am i so weak!

God didn’t give a life to take it so i lose my belief

He is just testing me i guess

A life full of nothing but tests

All i can hope and pray for is that it all will soon end

Im exhausted

Life gets too good and i get too happy

Surreal long enough to where reality sets in

Then it happens

I start losing the faith again. 😦

Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Only

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

What’s inside of me…

I am going to do something I never done before… share my deepest, darkest, innermost thoughts. When you get done reading it you may think I am a whack job. Maybe an emo. Maybe a spycho. Or maybe a normal human being who hurts like everyone, loves like everyone, and breathes like everyone… but just remember we all have skeletons in the closet. 

Okay.

So to tell you how I feel I will have to dig deep. Deeper than I ever have before. Deeper than the wound of your lover cheating on you. Deeper than the trench in the ocean. Deeper than any pain or hurt you could imagine. I must go deep.

Empty.

Have you ever felt so empty you could not begin to describe how empty you felt? So empty that not even God seems to fill you. So empty that food would never satisfy. Crazy isn’t it? How bout this.

Hurt.

You ever felt so much hurt that it felt numb. Bled so many tears you couldn’t cry anymore? Breaking down is a normal thing for you, and you literally schedule a time to cry because you know it’s time to. Not that you necessarily have a legit reason as of late, but you know deep down, “okay, time to shed the last bit of salt water in my body.” Ever felt that?

Stress.

Ever stressed so much that your stresses turn into nightmares. That vivid scene portrayed in your mind becomes reality. For a moment. But a moment too long. Nightmares depicted so vividly you feel the pain when you wake up. I had a dream I was running, Barefoot on rocks. My feet bled and I sobbed as I tried to escape my rapist. I woke up, fists clenched and my feet aching as I got up to get ready for work. It’s becoming a normal thing for me. Yes, I will never get used to it, but it is a normal thing. It is a normal thing for me to stress so much it affects my breathing. I hyperventilate. I stare into space. Thoughtless. Motivation withered away. Apathy settled in and there I am alone.

Alone.

Have you ever felt so alone, that you don’t even acknowledge others existing around you? I walked the street and didn’t see people. Or cars. Not houses… I saw nature. Cows and birds chirping. Horses and an occasional squirrel… but no one else but me around. God was there, but I couldn’t feel Him. I felt alone. So lonely you cry yourself to a panic. Ever felt that? Knowing you have absolutely no one to talk to. No one cares to understand you, only to give you there opinion on why you feel alone, and what you should do to fix it. They don’t bother to help you, or comfort you. They don’t bother to understand… just tell you what they think. Well, here’s what I think. I think suicide.

Suicide.

You ever thought about after life? How amazing heaven must be. And how, if it’s so perfect, why are we still here. What’s the point to live if living isn’t even living. I feel like I am surviving. I can’t even make it on my own, how is life worth living if I can’t live. But as soon as you prepare to take your life you think of those who love you… your husband. Your wife. Your brother. Sister. Mother. Father. Friend. Co-worker. How many people would I affect? Am I even that important to this world? How would I be missed. Would it? How long? How long till they’d move on…

Trapped.

Ever felt trapped? Take a wrong turn but there’s no uturns. No way to turn back around and make the right turn. No way to get those around you to understand that your GPS lost signal. Time to recalculate. Time to reboot my friendship… is it even worth it?

I am depressed. I have anxiety. And the doctors have told me to take the meds, but I don’t want to! I am not a loony person. I am in no need of something to alter my personality… I rather feel nothing. And that’s what I am is nothing. I can’t say everything I feel, words can’t describe sometimes. If you feel nothing, how can it be compared to anything? If you feel a deep hurt, how will anyone know unless they are you? How will anyone know things people have said about you? And how being called easy by your own father hurt you so much. That being called a whore by numerous people changed you. That being called ditsy made you feel like you couldn’t accomplish much. That words cut like knives. Or maybe even machetes. Words completely cut off my life. I feel kinda dead inside. Ever been called a bitch? Or a f****** b****? yeah. It doesn’t feel good. Especially when you been sheltered your whole life. You know nothing. Nothing about paying bills, social life, work, or, you know… life. It’s all so knew I am I am screwed. I am done with life. And to be honest if I didn’t live another day it may be better for everyone.

Queen Bee

She sits on her throne

High and mighty,

Never over thrown,

Seemly mighty.

Lies and deception,

That’s her romance.

Her lover to be?

The next decision.

Her organized payments,

She’s raising the charge

And requiring more

Of the worker bees’ yards.

 

She thirsts for more honey

From the worker bees.

They break their backs

And lend their wings,

Taking stings.

They say, “What does this bring?”

 

Desperation rings,

civil-societyCausing ridiculous flings;

The hive as a whole

Continually downgrading.

But nature will forever sing

Long live the Queen Bee.

She sits on her throne

High and mighty,

Never over thrown,

Seemly mighty.

Lies and deception,

That’s her romance.

Her lover to be?

The next decision.

Her organized payments,

She’s raising the charge

And requiring more

Of the worker bees’ yards.

 

She thirsts for more honey

From the worker bees.

They break their backs

And lend their wings,

Taking stings.

They say, “What does this bring?”

 

Desperation rings,

Causing ridiculous flings;

The hive as a whole

Continually downgrading.

But nature will forever sing

Long live the Queen Bee.

Falling Out

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She felt herself sink

Deeper

Drown into the pool of her own despair

Tears swallow her whole

Legs give out

Weakness as the weeks slip by

She slips by

She falls out

Heartbeat slows down

Breaths lesser and lesser

She falls out

Lungs collapse as she goes down

The glistening darkness around her

Shes falling out

The heaviness of her sorrow surrounds her

The thickness of the lack of oxygen astound her

Rebound

Pull her back out

Drag her back now

The pulling of her heart strings once more abounds

She thought she was through, she thought wrong and now

She is back

Floating on her back

Waiting for another back stab

Attack

Bleed out

Panic

Survive

How

Too late

She fell out.

The Haunting Of Longwood (Part 6)

“Good morning mom. I’m sorry for calling you in the middle of the night, but I’m serious I saw hi-” Eve was cut off by her mother Lori, and grew more and more upset. “Eve there’s no possible way that happened. It’s not possible. It was in the middle of the night, and you yourself said that you had a dream of him before you woke up to…This… Hallucination.”
“mom! You weren’t there! It was Drew! I…I…touched him…Mom you have to believe me! Please. You are all i have left…”eves father had unexpectedly walked out on Lori just after Eve got married. Lori was just now getting used to being alone. “Eve… I… You have Asia. Not just me. I’m sorry, but this is too much for me… This soon after what happened… It is normal for you to see things on that medicine.”
“Mom, I haven’t been taking it.”
“…why?”
“Because I have a fear of becoming addicted to it. But that doesn’t matter. I saw what I saw. And if you don’t believe me… Then… Forget it.
“Bye mom. I need to get Asia breakfast.”
“Eve”- click
Lori swore. Eve had hung up.


As tired as Odile was, she couldn’t fall asleep easy. After seeing a ghost, much less the ghost of the innocent creature she murdered… It was beginning to actually scare her. The surreal ness of this ghost she’d seen was the cause of the extreme adrenaline rush racing in through her insides. She kept replay the same scene in her mind of Drew pointing to the playground and begging something. Was that a harbinger of something? She continuously thought. Odile was taking a shower and trying to push her vivid replays of the night prior. She didn’t know what route to take now, being that her “plan A” didn’t work. She didn’t consider thinking of a “plan B”. Now she was stuck. She got out of the shower and got ready to go out. Out to Longwood.


“Asia! Hurry up if you want to go to the park!” Eve exclaimed as she put her brown suede boots on. She had promised Asia to take her to the park, and she was finally following through after making the promise four weeks before. That was one small tree Eve had always had. Procrastinating. But after Drew’s death, it was harder than pulling teeth to take Asia alone. Going to the park was a family tradition every Saturday. Her, Asia, and Drew. It was perfect. But since his death, it has been difficult breaking that habitual activity of walking to the neighborhood park as a trio. But now it would be just her and Asia. She didn’t want to go. But she didn’t want to be the kind if mother that let her own will supersede her child’s more than fitting her wants. Eve’s desires came after Asia’s. Just like when Eve was growing up. Her mother was the perfect mother in her eyes. Lori sacrificed so much for others. But she especially favored Eve, over everything and everyone. I wonder if I was a selfish girl growing up… Or if I am now…? Eve thought as she was putting Asia’s beautiful long brown hair in two braids. “Are you ready? Got everything?”
“Yes mommy.” Asia’s face brightened. She had always enjoyed the little neighborhood park. No matter how small it was, the best part of the park to Asia was the little hill she rolled down. Eve always searched for ant mounds, preventing Asia from having bites. “Alright then, let’s do this.” God help me…
Eve asked God to rid herself of anxiety. Going without Drew for the first time was harder than she imagined. She was about to start her car, when she realized she didn’t have her keys. “Be right back Asia, I forgot the keys. Stay put.”
“Yes mommy.” Asia said in an angelic voice. Asia truly was pure, in every way. Drew picked a good name for you, Asia Eve thought. She got inside and saw the keys on the foyer shelf.
She reached for them, but froze. She saw it again. The thing. The blueish transparent ghost. Drew. “Oh my God!”
She was about to run outside to her car to get her phone to call her mother, but saw Drew motioning something. “What?”
He was pointing outside somewhere, and appeared to be begging something. “What is it Drew…” Eve was about to step closer, but she heard the door open. Asia was impatient sometimes, and was wondering where the devil her mother was. “Mommy?”
Eve in a flash positioned herself so Asia couldn’t see the Casper she was hiding. “What sweetie, didn’t I say to stay put?!” Eve said in a nervous tone. “Sorry mommy, what are you doing?” Asia caught on that Eve was hiding something and she peeked her head around Eve, hoping to see the surprised she was hiding. After all Christmas was right around the corner. “Asia! Stop!” Asia stopped immediately and tears began to run down her cheeks. “I’m sorry honey, I… I’m sorry…” Eve never yelled at Asia. Never. Eve turned around, and Drew was gone. “Daddy” Asia pointed the direction he was in seconds before. “Where honey?” Asia continued to point and tell her what she saw, but Eve dismissed it. Hoping Asia wouldn’t remember this. “Are you ready to go to the park?”
Asia hesitated, but said yes.


Asia quickly forgot about the sighting less than an hour before. She currently was sitting in the sand box playing with her Barbie and stuffed animals she brought. Eve didn’t like the idea of bringing her daughters toys, but in the end Asia won. As Asia was playing Eve was reading Ted Dekker’s Skin. As interesting and intense the book was, Eve was extremely tired, because of the last night. She didn’t want to think of the ghost. She quickly pushed the horrid thought out of her mind. She started dozing off. But fought it. She had been fighting her drowsiness for about 30 minutes now. But she finally gave up the fight. And she was gone. Gone in dreamland. Hopefully not to dream of… That thing.