What’s inside of me…

I am going to do something I never done before… share my deepest, darkest, innermost thoughts. When you get done reading it you may think I am a whack job. Maybe an emo. Maybe a spycho. Or maybe a normal human being who hurts like everyone, loves like everyone, and breathes like everyone… but just remember we all have skeletons in the closet. 

Okay.

So to tell you how I feel I will have to dig deep. Deeper than I ever have before. Deeper than the wound of your lover cheating on you. Deeper than the trench in the ocean. Deeper than any pain or hurt you could imagine. I must go deep. 

Empty.

Have you ever felt so empty you could not begin to describe how empty you felt? So empty that not even God seems to fill you. So empty that food would never satisfy. Crazy isn’t it? How bout this.

Hurt.

You ever felt so much hurt that it felt numb. Bled so many tears you couldn’t cry anymore? Breaking down is a normal thing for you, and you literally schedule a time to cry because you know it’s time to. Not that you necessarily have a legit reason as of late, but you know deep down, “okay, time to shed the last bit of salt water in my body.” Ever felt that? 

Stress.

Ever stressed so much that your stresses turn into nightmares. That vivid scene portrayed in your mind becomes reality. For a moment. But a moment too long. Nightmares depicted so vividly you feel the pain when you wake up. I had a dream I was running, Barefoot on rocks. My feet bled and I sobbed as I tried to escape my rapist. I woke up, fists clenched and my feet aching as I got up to get ready for work. It’s becoming a normal thing for me. Yes, I will never get used to it, but it is a normal thing. It is a normal thing for me to stress so much it affects my breathing. I hyperventilate. I stare into space. Thoughtless. Motivation withered away. Apathy settled in and there I am alone.

Alone.

Have you ever felt so alone, that you don’t even acknowledge others existing around you? I walked the street and didn’t see people. Or cars. Not houses… I saw nature. Cows and birds chirping. Horses and an occasional squirrel… but no one else but me around. God was there, but I couldn’t feel Him. I felt alone. So lonely you cry yourself to a panic. Ever felt that? Knowing you have absolutely no one to talk to. No one cares to understand you, only to give you there opinion on why you feel alone, and what you should do to fix it. They don’t bother to help you, or comfort you. They don’t bother to understand… just tell you what they think. Well, here’s what I think. I think suicide.

Suicide.

You ever thought about after life? How amazing heaven must be. And how, if it’s so perfect, why are we still here. What’s the point to live if living isn’t even living. I feel like I am surviving. I can’t even make it on my own, how is life worth living if I can’t live. But as soon as you prepare to take your life you think of those who love you… your husband. Your wife. Your brother. Sister. Mother. Father. Friend. Co-worker. How many people would I affect? Am I even that important to this world? How would I be missed. Would it? How long? How long till they’d move on…

Trapped.

Ever felt trapped? Take a wrong turn but there’s no uturns. No way to turn back around and make the right turn. No way to get those around you to understand that your GPS lost signal. Time to recalculate. Time to reboot my friendship… is it even worth it? 

I am depressed. I have anxiety. And the doctors have told me to take the meds, but I don’t want to! I am not a loony person. I am in no need of something to alter my personality… I rather feel nothing. And that’s what I am is nothing. I can’t say everything I feel, words can’t describe sometimes. If you feel nothing, how can it be compared to anything? If you feel a deep hurt, how will anyone know unless they are you? How will anyone know things people have said about you? And how being called easy by your own father hurt you so much. That being called a whore by numerous people changed you. That being called ditsy made you feel like you couldn’t accomplish much. That words cut like knives. Or maybe even machetes. Words completely cut off my life. I feel kinda dead inside. Ever been called a bitch? Or a f****** b****? yeah. It doesn’t feel good. Especially when you been sheltered your whole life. You know nothing. Nothing about paying bills, social life, work, or, you know… life. It’s all so knew I am I am screwed. I am done with life. And to be honest if I didn’t live another day it may be better for everyone.

Queen Bee

She sits on her throne

High and mighty,

Never over thrown,

Seemly mighty.

Lies and deception,

That’s her romance.

Her lover to be?

The next decision.

Her organized payments,

She’s raising the charge

And requiring more

Of the worker bees’ yards.

 

She thirsts for more honey

From the worker bees.

They break their backs

And lend their wings,

Taking stings.

They say, “What does this bring?”

 

Desperation rings,

civil-societyCausing ridiculous flings;

The hive as a whole

Continually downgrading.

But nature will forever sing

Long live the Queen Bee.

She sits on her throne

High and mighty,

Never over thrown,

Seemly mighty.

Lies and deception,

That’s her romance.

Her lover to be?

The next decision.

Her organized payments,

She’s raising the charge

And requiring more

Of the worker bees’ yards.

 

She thirsts for more honey

From the worker bees.

They break their backs

And lend their wings,

Taking stings.

They say, “What does this bring?”

 

Desperation rings,

Causing ridiculous flings;

The hive as a whole

Continually downgrading.

But nature will forever sing

Long live the Queen Bee.

Falling Out

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She felt herself sink

Deeper

Drown into the pool of her own despair

Tears swallow her whole

Legs give out

Weakness as the weeks slip by

She slips by

She falls out

Heartbeat slows down

Breaths lesser and lesser

She falls out

Lungs collapse as she goes down

The glistening darkness around her

Shes falling out

The heaviness of her sorrow surrounds her

The thickness of the lack of oxygen astound her

Rebound

Pull her back out

Drag her back now

The pulling of her heart strings once more abounds

She thought she was through, she thought wrong and now

She is back

Floating on her back

Waiting for another back stab

Attack

Bleed out

Panic

Survive

How

Too late

She fell out.

The Haunting Of Longwood (Part 6)

“Good morning mom. I’m sorry for calling you in the middle of the night, but I’m serious I saw hi-” Eve was cut off by her mother Lori, and grew more and more upset. “Eve there’s no possible way that happened. It’s not possible. It was in the middle of the night, and you yourself said that you had a dream of him before you woke up to…This… Hallucination.”
“mom! You weren’t there! It was Drew! I…I…touched him…Mom you have to believe me! Please. You are all i have left…”eves father had unexpectedly walked out on Lori just after Eve got married. Lori was just now getting used to being alone. “Eve… I… You have Asia. Not just me. I’m sorry, but this is too much for me… This soon after what happened… It is normal for you to see things on that medicine.”
“Mom, I haven’t been taking it.”
“…why?”
“Because I have a fear of becoming addicted to it. But that doesn’t matter. I saw what I saw. And if you don’t believe me… Then… Forget it.
“Bye mom. I need to get Asia breakfast.”
“Eve”- click
Lori swore. Eve had hung up.


As tired as Odile was, she couldn’t fall asleep easy. After seeing a ghost, much less the ghost of the innocent creature she murdered… It was beginning to actually scare her. The surreal ness of this ghost she’d seen was the cause of the extreme adrenaline rush racing in through her insides. She kept replay the same scene in her mind of Drew pointing to the playground and begging something. Was that a harbinger of something? She continuously thought. Odile was taking a shower and trying to push her vivid replays of the night prior. She didn’t know what route to take now, being that her “plan A” didn’t work. She didn’t consider thinking of a “plan B”. Now she was stuck. She got out of the shower and got ready to go out. Out to Longwood.


“Asia! Hurry up if you want to go to the park!” Eve exclaimed as she put her brown suede boots on. She had promised Asia to take her to the park, and she was finally following through after making the promise four weeks before. That was one small tree Eve had always had. Procrastinating. But after Drew’s death, it was harder than pulling teeth to take Asia alone. Going to the park was a family tradition every Saturday. Her, Asia, and Drew. It was perfect. But since his death, it has been difficult breaking that habitual activity of walking to the neighborhood park as a trio. But now it would be just her and Asia. She didn’t want to go. But she didn’t want to be the kind if mother that let her own will supersede her child’s more than fitting her wants. Eve’s desires came after Asia’s. Just like when Eve was growing up. Her mother was the perfect mother in her eyes. Lori sacrificed so much for others. But she especially favored Eve, over everything and everyone. I wonder if I was a selfish girl growing up… Or if I am now…? Eve thought as she was putting Asia’s beautiful long brown hair in two braids. “Are you ready? Got everything?”
“Yes mommy.” Asia’s face brightened. She had always enjoyed the little neighborhood park. No matter how small it was, the best part of the park to Asia was the little hill she rolled down. Eve always searched for ant mounds, preventing Asia from having bites. “Alright then, let’s do this.” God help me…
Eve asked God to rid herself of anxiety. Going without Drew for the first time was harder than she imagined. She was about to start her car, when she realized she didn’t have her keys. “Be right back Asia, I forgot the keys. Stay put.”
“Yes mommy.” Asia said in an angelic voice. Asia truly was pure, in every way. Drew picked a good name for you, Asia Eve thought. She got inside and saw the keys on the foyer shelf.
She reached for them, but froze. She saw it again. The thing. The blueish transparent ghost. Drew. “Oh my God!”
She was about to run outside to her car to get her phone to call her mother, but saw Drew motioning something. “What?”
He was pointing outside somewhere, and appeared to be begging something. “What is it Drew…” Eve was about to step closer, but she heard the door open. Asia was impatient sometimes, and was wondering where the devil her mother was. “Mommy?”
Eve in a flash positioned herself so Asia couldn’t see the Casper she was hiding. “What sweetie, didn’t I say to stay put?!” Eve said in a nervous tone. “Sorry mommy, what are you doing?” Asia caught on that Eve was hiding something and she peeked her head around Eve, hoping to see the surprised she was hiding. After all Christmas was right around the corner. “Asia! Stop!” Asia stopped immediately and tears began to run down her cheeks. “I’m sorry honey, I… I’m sorry…” Eve never yelled at Asia. Never. Eve turned around, and Drew was gone. “Daddy” Asia pointed the direction he was in seconds before. “Where honey?” Asia continued to point and tell her what she saw, but Eve dismissed it. Hoping Asia wouldn’t remember this. “Are you ready to go to the park?”
Asia hesitated, but said yes.


Asia quickly forgot about the sighting less than an hour before. She currently was sitting in the sand box playing with her Barbie and stuffed animals she brought. Eve didn’t like the idea of bringing her daughters toys, but in the end Asia won. As Asia was playing Eve was reading Ted Dekker’s Skin. As interesting and intense the book was, Eve was extremely tired, because of the last night. She didn’t want to think of the ghost. She quickly pushed the horrid thought out of her mind. She started dozing off. But fought it. She had been fighting her drowsiness for about 30 minutes now. But she finally gave up the fight. And she was gone. Gone in dreamland. Hopefully not to dream of… That thing.

Oceans

image

Why would I walk amongst vipers and scorpions?
Why would I put myself in the position to possible be bitten or stung?
I pass through the fire and break out unscathed
And being planted by the rivers of water
I am delighted in the Father’s eyes
Having the delicious sunlight to fertilize my leaves
I shall not wilt, but grow
And prosperity is promised to my life
What should I gain from oceans I could sail
When the rivers provided are more than enough?
Yes, the oceans are most beautiful,
But they’ve proven to swallow vessels that lose direction.
The light vessels-
Void of the Rock needed to remain steady-
Are blown by the wind into whirlpools of destruction-
They sink.
Unless the crew sees the mistake and has God’s mercy.
The eyes of the Father can pierce the liar’s shell
He sees what truly lies beneath the flesh
Inside the human heart
The Lord knoweth the ungodly
And the Lord knoweth the righteous
The ship you sail
Determines if you’ll prevail
Judgment awaits
Will you be engulfed?
Swallowed by the temptations of the sea?
Will you perish?

Shallow Ending

image

An ocean of emotion

My openness is closing

For my soul is barely floating

And I’m taking in water

Drowning in sorrow

Thinking of a bitter tomorrow

But my thoughts are causing more suffocating

And the pain is intoxicating

I hoped I would be liberated

But I’m trapped in bondage

I’ve searched for understanding

But I’m trapped in non-sense

Overwhelming non-sense that is like quick sand

If I panic I sink- I need to relax and think

Why am I allowing this to torment me

When I could be thinking positive thoughts to better me?

But instead

The ice-cold sea weed

Creates beautiful calligraphy

Spelling out death for me

There’s no more air

I’m in despair

Cant find help anywhere

Is this the end?

Have I signed my death sentence?

And in my last attempt to understand

My lungs collapse

And I perish.

This poem was a collaboration with one of my good friends over at https://thevoicelessheart.wordpress.com/ please!!! Follow him! He has some very inspiring and beautiful stuff. (The italicized words are his)

Part 3 The Haunting Of Longwood

Three years later…

“Asia! Come here please!”
Asia was almost three now, and full of energy. She had escaped to the backyard and was running through the piles of crunchy leaves that covered the ground. It was a small fenced in backyard. There was a Maple tree in the center of the yard with a play set to the left corner and a shed to the right corner. The yard was littered with Frisbees and balls as if they owned a dog. But after all the recent dog attacks, Drew and Eve decided they didn’t want one. “Asia!! Where are you?! Come here!”
Knowing that her playtime had come to a halt Asia ran around the tree and hid. But not before Eve saw her. If it wasn’t for the fact that Asia was so cute, Eve would have probably been mad at her disobedience. Eve snuck up to the tree just as Asia popped her head around. They looked at each other for a full two seconds before Asia started to run off, but didn’t get far before Eve grabbed her arm, snatched her, and raised her to the sky. Rrriiiiinnnggg. The phone. Eve ran inside with Asia on her hip and answered. “Hello?”
It was a deep gravelly voice that sent a shiver down her spine. “Hello. Is this Eve Parke?”
“Who is this?” she set Asia in a play pin.
“I am Officer Tracy Willow, and I am calling to… um… inform you that uh… ma’am there has been a… accident.”
Eve was already worrying. Drew was an officer and worked with other officers, of course, but he had never mentioned this “Tracy” figure. She cleared her groggy throat and said “Is everything alright?” His voice sounded shaky this time. “Mrs. Parke, for no apparent reason, your husband has been shot.” The words sliced through her stomach and bound her organs together. “Excuse me?!?” Eve heard what he said but what was she to say? “Is he okay?!?” she exclaimed.
“Ma’am the shots were fired by an unidentified suspect and they were… fatal.” he paused to let it sink in. “He is dead.”
“What?!? Where were his Backup?!?”
“Mrs. they were all there. All five died and before any more help could be called, and the gunman was gone… If there is anythin-“ click. She hung up. She didn’t even notice her daughter wining in the background. Her beloved husband that had sacrificed everything and gave his heart to her was… gone. Or was he? Was this real? Certainly he couldn’t be gone. The daily routine of making Folger Breakfast Blend coffee, ironing Drew’s pants and softly kissing him before he left… She’d forgotten the dangers of a police officer. The habitual pattern replayed in her mind. Did she tell him she loved him this morning before he left? Her head was spinning and she felt uneasy. Yep. She knew it. She rushed to the bathroom flipped the toilet lid and hurled that mornings breakfast into the blue water. Her head started throbbing. Her throat burned as a big ball formed. She noticed her breathing stopped. She began hyperventilating and panicking. Drew was dead.


The neighborhood looked nice. Made up of quaint homes, most with the stereotypical picket fences. The yards were well groomed with green grass and colorful plants. There it was… The small, yellow, cottage style home, that was home to Eve and Drew Parke, well, now it was just Eve. For Drew’s gut had swallowed seven bullets earlier that day. Why seven? Because that’s the number of completion, right? Well, that didn’t matter. What mattered now was what would happen in exactly two weeks. That’s when the torture would began.

Part 2 The Haunting Of Longwood (Short Story)

“We will need pink party streamers-”
“No!! Purple, Drew! Not pink!?!”
“Oh! Excuse me, purple streamers.” Drew’s wife, Eve, quickly corrected him before he made the dreadful mistake of directing her mother to get the God forsaken pink streamers. “Okay. That will be fine… Alright, we will see you then… Alright… You too, goodbye Lori.” Drew was getting things ready for the baby shower that had been put off too long. The baby shower was that evening and, the baby was due the next day. Talk about procrastination. “I’m sorry, Drew, I don’t mean to yell, but how many time do I need to tell you I absolutely can’t stand-”
“Pink, I know…” Drew had to interrupt otherwise Eve might have turned another stupid subject into an hour long conversation.
But the silence that followed the interjection quickly made Drew regret cutting her off.
“Sorry honey, I am just a little stressed.” With her hormones constantly off balance, I think I can snap every once in a while! Drew thought.
“It’s okay dear, I understand”
Of course you do!! Drew noticed his hateful thoughts and took a deep breath. “Well, we better get ready to go”, Eve said, changing the subject. “Okay.”


The baby shower wasn’t as big as expected. But everything was purple! Purple balloons, purple presents, purple table cloths, everything was purple. Eve and Drew decided to do the shower at a friend’s neighborhood clubhouse. The building was very generic and plain – A square building with two windows on either side of the only door. But the biggest disappointment was that there was no bathroom. Oh wait, there was an outhouse outside about 50 yards away by the neighborhood park. Oh well, guess the people would have to either enjoy the springtime air or hold their bladder. “Oh my! What a great idea!” Eve said as she unwrapped the gift. It was a wrap mothers used to carry their baby on their front. She opened many gifts but came to an abrupt stop when- “Ahh!!” she screamed. Everyone practically jumped out of their seats. She immediately apologized for her outburst and went back to unwrapping the gifts while talking with the ladies. Throughout the entire shower she had had several contractions, but this most recent one had been such a sharp pain! She was about to open Aunt Josie’s gift when she froze. She looked as though she might faint. The color in her face left her and she looked panicked. Her water broke.


Luckily the hospital was right around the corner. After being rushed to the hospital the baby was born in less than two hours. As Eve lay in the hospital bed, Drew was holding the sleeping beauty. He looked at Eve hoping she was awake. She was. Good.

“So what do you want to name her?” Drew asked. “Amethyst Rosetta. What do you have in mind?” Drew raised an eyebrow.
“Because I love purple and I like the idea of naming a girl after a flower.” she explained. His face didn’t change.
“So what do you want to name her?”
He thought for a minute and said, “Asia.” He paused a moment before continuing. “I don’t know about a middle name, I haven’t really thought on it.”
“Why Asia?” she asked.
“I heard it means pure, and I like it…” he looked at the little baby and smiled. The baby started to move a little. Must be food time. Drew got up and handed the baby girl to Eve.
“How about Asia Rosetta?” Eve said. Drew smiled and gave his wife a soft kiss on her forehead.
“I love it.” So her name was Asia Rosetta Parke.

Part 1 The Haunting Of Longwood (Short Story)

THE HAUNTING OF LONGWOOD

Odile Censura always wanted a baby girl. She remembered growing up with her best friend Eve and they would talk for hours about having children in the future. She also remembered that she was always welcomed at Eve’s house. Good thing. Because sometimes her father Charlie was often in a drunk stupor. Charlie was a marine at one time, and was an amazing person, until her mother Mildred left him. He wasn’t a bad looking guy. He loved Mildred and did everything for her. Yeah, so he lost his left leg in war, so what, that couldn’t possibly be the reason she left without as much as a goodbye. He was always wondering what he did wrong, which was the cause of his chronic anxiety. But no matter, he would fix his depression through drinking and sleeping pills. Until he died. Poor Odile… No family. Although her father was always drunk and lost in space, she still loved him. And hated her mother for not even showing at his funeral. It’s kind of good that she didn’t, Odile might have had to just slit her throat for leaving her and her father. But it all went away when she was with Eve. It was a perfect friendship, and they argued very seldom. Odile remembered when she and Eve went to college and pursued their dream of sharing a dorm together! Odile loved Eve, and Eve loved her… ’til she gave her love to someone else. Drew Parke was his name. Perfect body, and very handsome. They were the perfect couple, both were very attractive. She always envied Eve’s natural beauty. She was a beautiful flawless ivory-skinned girl with sapphire eyes and long, wavy, dark brown hair. Eve was also tall and slender, but yet curvy. She never did let her model type body and good looks go to her head though. Odile was a mutt compared to Eve. She had the acne, the pale ugly skin, and the ugliest chartreuse eyes, and the wiry, kinky, red hair. Why couldn’t she be beautiful? All of her life she had felt unloved and insecure with herself. Her mother didn’t want her and apparently neither did any of the guys at the university. Nobody wanted her. Eve did! She thought. That’s right, Eve DID… Before she met him. And she hated him for that. All she ever wanted in life was love, to be loved, to have love. Oh she loved some, but they never loved her. Otherwise they wouldn’t have left her… But that will all change soon enough, she thought to herself as she sipped her daily morning coffee, thinking about her plans later that day…

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