Tag Archives: sadness

Grey Space

Think deep

 

Long and hard

 

Imagine.

That you are in a grey space, nothing but time can fill

And even time, can not even fill this space.

It is never ending.

 

This space is your mind.

 

Now take this space and fill it.

With actions every day.

But not just any daily occurrence, but only the hurt and pain you been through.

 

Fill this space, your mind, this time with only the most hurtful moments in your life.

 

Anytime you were bullied, verbally or physically,

Anytime you were backstabbed.

Lied to.

Fired from a job.

Homeless… anything in your life that you wish never happened,

You wish you could redo it over.

Anything that breaks your heart to the point of the most deepest sorrow…

 

Now imagine, a small square about the size of a penny in this space.

This very large never ending space of pure hell…

 

That penny size square is all the happiness you can think of in your life.

Now, you know that penny is much bigger, but in your mind, in this space you are trapped in it appears so small..

 

Welcome to my mind.

 

The place that i cannot think of anything happy,

The space that i cannot think of anything to be thankful for because i cannot see past the negativity in my life.

 

I cannot see past the bad spots,

The jealousy,

The hurt,

The change of everything in life.

 

I dont even recognize myself anymore,

I dont know what to do with myself.

 

With no desire to live but no motivation to end life, i live in this space, and waste time.

Just waiting for the day that it all ends….

 

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Ever So Often

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

 

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

 

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

 

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

 

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

 

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

 

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Cards

You know something,

You can’t make people happy. No matter how much you may try, you will disappoint, anger, sadden,  and hurt people in life. The cards you play are not always right. More than not they are wrong. More than not they mess up your next move. More than not it makes moves harder for others. More than not others react and mess up your thought process to make a better move. To play with a good strategy and be tormented with an endless 

supply of bad thoughts is terrifying. It is stressful. 

I am at a loss for words as to why i am where i am in life. It really doesn’t matter what i do, i sew discord. It doesn’t matter what i say i offend. It doesn’t matter my what my opinion, stance, or conscience says it is wrong to others. I can never just do what i please without worrying about what another may say. I may never have the freedom and confidence to make a decision on my own without the opinion or ruling of another.

Opinions matter. I take tips in my play in this game called life. We all gamble. We all win, we all lose. We sometimes draw.

We make friends, we lose them. We gain trust and lose it. Love comes and goes. It flees in the time of pressure or loss.

It doesn’t matter the placement in a family. You are the bottom when it comes to an opinion. You are wrong, you are right. We always have to have the last word.

When will it end? Fighting all the time. Drama feeds on our words. Words dig into the flesh and soul of another and hurt them. Causing grudges you may never return from.

I will never have the last word. I will never have the first. I state my peace and cry as it never goes my way. Others get in and mix up emotions. My emotions are dry. I have nothing left to say. I am done. I tried. I wanted more, but i now see i will never get more. I give up. I surrender. I have forever lost this fight. So leave me alone. I am happy with the cards i have, but my opponent fails to acknowledge. I feel like i must decide which to play next. I feel pressured into playing a certain way, but my heart and gut tells me not to! Can i please play in peace?!! Can i play on my own. With your encouragement and happiness for me. I am in a rut, but success is on the way and you must stress my hands more. I cry. I wept. Shared words that i never should have, but now it is too late. I say too much.

You know too much. I can never trust anyone with the truth of what i possess in my mind because they will use it against me. Learning my moves then saying how it will and won’t work. Let me find out. I want to deal my own hand! I want to take control of my turn. My play. My cards. My life!

I don’t want my opponents to leave. I love them. But they are making it hard for me to involve them in my game. They make it hard for me to share with them my thoughts on my hand, for if i do somehow i end up giving up cards that i wished to keep. It’s pointless to talk, to explain. That is when people hurt people. That is when the dagger leaves the sleeve and one cuts another. Don’t speak. Let the anger escape. Vent it out. And be quiet. Let us play a quiet game.

Time For Me To Fly…

This is where I begin. 

This is where we end

Cease fire

Hold back

Clip

Pull the trigger.

Blow.

Blown.

Blown opportunity.

I told you to back off!

I said to respect my decision!

I said respect my heart’s desires. 

Understand where my happiness lies,

And what do you do???

Ignore.

Boom.

Blow up.

Immancipate

Yes. You assassinated

Any relationship we had gained back

Just leave me alone

Don’t talk to me.

I can’t even look at you, I can’t even talk to you

I can’t even think about you!!

I will blow a fuse.

Say exactly what I don’t mean,

Lose my testimony.

Lose my dignity and maturity.

I was the bigger person.

Not you.

Age is nothing but a number. Don’t be so ignorant.

Dummy.

Think I don’t know what you think?

I heard enough. And I still cut it short.

I heard it all, and you never finished your thoughts.

You think little before you speak, same as I.

But the difference is I left just in time.

I won’t be coming back for a while.

This time you couldn’t make me leave,

I left by choice, because​your words stabbed me

I had to go to my hospital.

My love.

Who actually loved me enough to mend hurt and pain.

I don’t need you.

This is where I begin.

This is where we end!

My Independence shall glow up

My Independence shall glow up!

My dependency falls by the wayside,

And we part ways.

Stay on your side.

Don’t come in my Lane.

Stay away from me, keep your mouth to yourself.

Focus on your own problems

Worry about your own life.

Leave me be.

It’s time for me to fly…

Mistake

image

Okay

So you’ve had some rough times

So you’ve broken some bones and made some scars

Haven’t we all?

Some more than others

But ultimately it’s all the same

One may have more mistakes than another

But the other may have made a mistake that in their mind

Is the greatest mistake of all time

But really it’s not

Mistakes and mishaps are all equal in the Fathers eyes

Because he took the blow of all of our mistakes and he paid the ultimate price

He took the hit so that we could be free

So that we could let go and let God kill misery

But yet we still find ourselves in this prison called depression

We still find ourselves living in sorrow and pain because of things in the past

Nothing haunts a soul more than the past

And ever since that mistake you made your depression has progressed

Because it is something that can’t be given back

That funeral that you missed

That affair you had

That person you fell in love with

That tongue you used to back stab

That mind you used in a terrible way

Those feet you used to take you to a bad place

Those hands you used to turn thoughts into actions

Those eyes you used when you saw the reaction

Of the ones you loved hurt

They cried because of your dirt

You let them down

You tore them apart

Killed them inside

And watched them cry

But there was nothing you could do

You made the decision and didn’t think it through

If only you knew hindsight what would happen

You would have never even crossed that fence

You would’ve stayed in your small corner of happiness that lasted for only a short while

For when you grew older you began to taste independence

And you felt like you could handle it

Being on your own

Making decisions and being an adult

Well

Now you know

That being and adult is more than just making decisions and being ‘’free’’

You know now that being an adult is everything but free

You are held to a higher standard that is almost impossible to reach

People tell you can do this

You will get through it

But you beat yourself up and ignore their words of encouragement

You choose to stay in this holding cell that has you trapped

You are overwhelmed by the pain you hold inside

Like a piece of you is missing

You feel swamped with this burden that won’t leave your shoulders

Don’t let this control you anymore!

You have much more things to be thankful for

Than to be sullen and broken

Exemplifying your life has been stolen

By the devil himself

He has brought the memories back

Because he wants you to be upset

He doesn’t want you to move on

He wants you to back step

And relive your past

He gets a kick out of it

And you are letting him win!

Don’t let him have his way

Don’t let him tell you it’s not ok

And that it’s too late to resuscitate

Hand in hand I will help you through

I will drag you out of this hell pit you were thrown into

Smile

Know that you have your whole life in front of you

The time you are using now

To be empty inside

You could be using to better yourself

To further yourself and build yourself back up

You are not alone in this fight

I am here for you

And I’m not the only one

There are many others that also love you

And it doesn’t matter what things you do

We will forgive you

And we will still love you

And we will never give up on you

You can do this

You WILL get through it

And no matter how many times life throws things your way to bring you down

You will in the end wear the crown

This fight seems to be a losing battle

But the war isn’t over until your last breath

And when you collapse from exhaustion from the brutal beatings reality gives you

You will have a hand there waiting for you

So reach for it

Don’t doubt the strength in it

Because that hand isn’t the one who is fallen and can’t get up

That hand is your chance to get back up

But one day that hand will need someone to pick them up

Because everyone makes mistakes and needs help along the way

Will you be there when that hand needs you?

Or will you still be on the ground heaving

Don’t let this mistake get to you

Because one day

You will be needed to help someone who is going what you are going through

Scars

Often we forget the things we should meditate on

We focus on the negative and put aside positive thoughts

Life is taken out of us

Depression takes hold of us

The murder of our happiness

Has granted our request for sadness

Pain and misery is our go to

The innocence we once had as a child is no longer new

We don’t appreciate the pure minds we once had

We don’t realize that the ignorance is what we want back

It kept us from thinking about malevolent thoughts

The dreams we had are now forgotten

The magic we once believed in is now uncommon

The curious and mischievous minds we had as a child

Has turned into wicked desires and actions that are wild

But now we endure heartbreak

Growing up and maturing causes so much mental heartache

Falling in love is the epitome of depression

Love is supposed to cure that addiction

But it feeds it

And breeds it

Forcing it in our lives

Like the tears that pour out of our eyes

We can’t stop it

Once it comes it doesn’t stop

It ends when the pain is gone

Or until the pain scorches the soul to the point of going numb

They say time heals wounds

But wounds turn into scars and scars can’t be mended or healed

So why do they falsely state that scars are easily resealed

Scars are evil

They never sleep

They bring insomnia in our lives

They bring flashbacks of pain and strife

They make it impossible to forgive and harder to forget

They make it easy for your eyes to never rest

Tears never have a break

The wetness on your sleeves and pillows are no mistake

These scars do not allow a way of escape

They grab and clench your heart

Coil themselves around your rib cage and make themselves at home

Scars are similar to love

Both are very powerful

And both are controlling

They make it hard to hide what you are truly feeling

Both are everlasting

And both can make memories

The constant reminder in our mind of things we did, thought, or said

Haunt us day and night

Ways we could’ve done things different

Ways we could’ve made things better

Ways to avoid having to beg for a second chance

And ways to forget when it isn’t given

Why do scars and love have to be so strong?

Why can’t we forgive and forget and just move on?

Why is it impossible for some and easy for others?

Why do scars exist?

I often wonder…

Saying Goodbye

As soon as you came in my life you are leaving me.
I never really got to know you personally
But I know enough to know I love you
And I’ll miss you
And you mean so much to me
You’ve mad me who I am
You helped me overcome my insecurity
Told me I was beautiful
And helped me to believe it myself.
I’d been told that by many that my blemishes don’t matter
But its hard to believe someone when I can’t see my natural beauty myself.
And I know now,
That physical beauty isn’t all the same
Everyone looks different.
But I see that now.
And if it weren’t for you,
I would still be looking in the mirror
Hating myself.
You were the sweetest lady I have ever known.
Like a perfect angel from above.
And as I write this tears do fall.
Because I will miss you more than you will ever know.
But when you are up in heaven soon
You will look down
And I promise to make you proud.
I love you like a second mother.
You nurtured me
and put some things in me
Back together.
My biological mother has shown me the same love
But when she showers me everyday with it
I tend to forget
That what she says isn’t made up
Its not a lie
She truly means it
And you helped me understand it.
For a long time I felt like what my mother said was a lie
She spoke words of love because she loves me
And I thought she had eyes that were blind to truly see
I thought what she said all those years was just a mother to daughter compliment.
But she was just trying to give me confidence.
But it wasn’t til you were generous with love
Til I realized it wasn’t just empty words.
It was real.
And she was right.
I am beautiful.
And I believe it. And I know it. And I will shout it.
I only hope to one day
Be like you.
In all you say and do.
You are the by far
The most inspirational
Most influential
Most beautiful
Lady.
Inside and out.
You were not only a friend.
But a mother.
And a sister.
And a helper.
And a listener.
And an advisor.
My role model.
And I love you.
Truly I do.
I wish you could last forever
But truth is you will
I will see you one day soon
When I go to heaven.
This God forsaken cancer
Took you by force
And I found myself blaming God
Because he didn’t save you.
But it was wrong of me…
Because God just want to be
Closer to you
In a way he’d never been before
He wanted you to visit him.
And you will soon enough.
Until then, and after then I will cry
Tears of sorrow
Bitter sorrow…
But tears of joy for you will be in no more pain.
I love you Mrs. Barb.
I can’t wait to see you
On the other side of this life.
Goodbye. For now.

I’m Trapped

This poem is dedicated to someone in my life who has made many bad decisions pertaining to men in her life. Its a sad but true kinda story. She brought a lot of things on herself, but I still feel burdened about it. So here is the outpouring of my heart…
Continue reading I’m Trapped

Hearts That Crumble

As an earthquake that shakes the ground,
Sad and lonely feelings control the hearts and minds that abound.
Our souls that long for an eternal happiness,
And something that quenches the thirst from loneliness,
We shake from the misery
But ignore the cure, unfortunately.
The cure is a being,
That will never leave us weeping.
Invisible but assuring.
It will keep us believing:
In our future, in our relationship,
In our marriage, in our academics.
It keeps us going
Encouraging us to keep pressing on
To never give up
even when times are hard
It gives us a satisfaction that can’t be comprehended
Until it is accepted.
That’s when hearts are mended.
Hearts that crumble from exposure to the brutal hell on earth
If they don’t accept this being,
Will be doomed to eternal hell unbelievably worse.