Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

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Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Only

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Ever So Often

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

 

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

 

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

 

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

 

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

 

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

 

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Cards

You know something,

You can’t make people happy. No matter how much you may try, you will disappoint, anger, sadden,  and hurt people in life. The cards you play are not always right. More than not they are wrong. More than not they mess up your next move. More than not it makes moves harder for others. More than not others react and mess up your thought process to make a better move. To play with a good strategy and be tormented with an endless 

supply of bad thoughts is terrifying. It is stressful. 

I am at a loss for words as to why i am where i am in life. It really doesn’t matter what i do, i sew discord. It doesn’t matter what i say i offend. It doesn’t matter my what my opinion, stance, or conscience says it is wrong to others. I can never just do what i please without worrying about what another may say. I may never have the freedom and confidence to make a decision on my own without the opinion or ruling of another.

Opinions matter. I take tips in my play in this game called life. We all gamble. We all win, we all lose. We sometimes draw.

We make friends, we lose them. We gain trust and lose it. Love comes and goes. It flees in the time of pressure or loss.

It doesn’t matter the placement in a family. You are the bottom when it comes to an opinion. You are wrong, you are right. We always have to have the last word.

When will it end? Fighting all the time. Drama feeds on our words. Words dig into the flesh and soul of another and hurt them. Causing grudges you may never return from.

I will never have the last word. I will never have the first. I state my peace and cry as it never goes my way. Others get in and mix up emotions. My emotions are dry. I have nothing left to say. I am done. I tried. I wanted more, but i now see i will never get more. I give up. I surrender. I have forever lost this fight. So leave me alone. I am happy with the cards i have, but my opponent fails to acknowledge. I feel like i must decide which to play next. I feel pressured into playing a certain way, but my heart and gut tells me not to! Can i please play in peace?!! Can i play on my own. With your encouragement and happiness for me. I am in a rut, but success is on the way and you must stress my hands more. I cry. I wept. Shared words that i never should have, but now it is too late. I say too much.

You know too much. I can never trust anyone with the truth of what i possess in my mind because they will use it against me. Learning my moves then saying how it will and won’t work. Let me find out. I want to deal my own hand! I want to take control of my turn. My play. My cards. My life!

I don’t want my opponents to leave. I love them. But they are making it hard for me to involve them in my game. They make it hard for me to share with them my thoughts on my hand, for if i do somehow i end up giving up cards that i wished to keep. It’s pointless to talk, to explain. That is when people hurt people. That is when the dagger leaves the sleeve and one cuts another. Don’t speak. Let the anger escape. Vent it out. And be quiet. Let us play a quiet game.

Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

The Fire

sticks and limbs gathered together

placed out of the place

but then formed the fire

sparks

started

false fires

lies blow the flames,

the fire grew

burning the surrounding grounds

dirt thrown in layers to extinguish before disaster

the smoldering ashes remained, BUT STILL

heat

stoking it more

ever more will it grow

the fire rekindles

rekindling the fire that should’ve never remained

but too short a time it ceases yet again

never to be sparked again!

buried,

beneath,

the fire is dead

Pause

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As I pause for a moment to take things in
Breathe
Relax
Realize where I am at
The buzzing of the cars and the constant chatter on the street
I realize I am in a place with out rest
Constantly moving
Always doing something
Never do I have time to just think
Deeply think
Meditate on life and life’s adjectives
That used to be my objective
And I have found it isn’t selective
I don’t have time
I miss the endless hours of pursuing my desires
And I wish that I could have just one day
To make that wish come true after this long hiatus
My mind has been so bogged down with life
That I have forgotten to focus on life!
Now
I know that may not make sense
But it is times like these that I just need to pause
Take a moment to relish the facts of life
Pause

Five Years Gone

image

Some people say that you don’t know what you got until its gone
And there is a lot of truth to that
But some people still don’t appreciate things even after they are gone because of their ignorance and unthankfulness
My eyes have been opened to that
I have been that person
But I have learned
When things go missing
It’s your job to find them
And when people grow apart
Someone has to keep that relationship fired up
Some people don’t see the importance of things until a major change takes place
One day a tree is a little sapling
And next thing you know its five years later and that tree has matured much
A lot can happen in five years
And five years is gone and I see the changes around me
I have been distracted by none other than life itself
And forgot to actually pay attention to the things in life that mean the most
I have lost precious time
However, sometimes its not what you lose but what you gain
We gain a lot from rain
Those sheets of rain that come in multiples
Hitting us hard trying to make us fall
They drench us and pound us to the ground
But when the sun comes out
The flowers bloom
And the floods dry up
The result is a beautiful painting

Five years ago I was a child and living the life
I didn’t think of anything stressful
I didn’t think of pressing things in the future
I didn’t notice the prices of everyday things escalate
I didn’t realize that the time I piddled away at every waking moment
Was not going to be brought back
And how I wish I had that relaxed life again
I am still very young
But age is but a number
I just wish I could slow life down and live life to the fullest
I feel like I am unproductive
I know that this is just a phase and it won’t last long…
But I can’t help but think of the expense of time
Time is the most valuable thing in my mind
And with another five years gone
I’m worried about the next five years approaching
Where will I be in five years?
How will I be?
What will I be?
The things around me, will they change?
Change is such a scary thing.
Change can be so depressing, because things of the past and what we look back on,
Is often times all we have to think on
Sometimes those things of the past are all we have to relate to.
It won’t be long, and another five years will be gone…