Cards

You know something,

You can’t make people happy. No matter how much you may try, you will disappoint, anger, sadden,  and hurt people in life. The cards you play are not always right. More than not they are wrong. More than not they mess up your next move. More than not it makes moves harder for others. More than not others react and mess up your thought process to make a better move. To play with a good strategy and be tormented with an endless 

supply of bad thoughts is terrifying. It is stressful. 

I am at a loss for words as to why i am where i am in life. It really doesn’t matter what i do, i sew discord. It doesn’t matter what i say i offend. It doesn’t matter my what my opinion, stance, or conscience says it is wrong to others. I can never just do what i please without worrying about what another may say. I may never have the freedom and confidence to make a decision on my own without the opinion or ruling of another.

Opinions matter. I take tips in my play in this game called life. We all gamble. We all win, we all lose. We sometimes draw.

We make friends, we lose them. We gain trust and lose it. Love comes and goes. It flees in the time of pressure or loss.

It doesn’t matter the placement in a family. You are the bottom when it comes to an opinion. You are wrong, you are right. We always have to have the last word.

When will it end? Fighting all the time. Drama feeds on our words. Words dig into the flesh and soul of another and hurt them. Causing grudges you may never return from.

I will never have the last word. I will never have the first. I state my peace and cry as it never goes my way. Others get in and mix up emotions. My emotions are dry. I have nothing left to say. I am done. I tried. I wanted more, but i now see i will never get more. I give up. I surrender. I have forever lost this fight. So leave me alone. I am happy with the cards i have, but my opponent fails to acknowledge. I feel like i must decide which to play next. I feel pressured into playing a certain way, but my heart and gut tells me not to! Can i please play in peace?!! Can i play on my own. With your encouragement and happiness for me. I am in a rut, but success is on the way and you must stress my hands more. I cry. I wept. Shared words that i never should have, but now it is too late. I say too much.

You know too much. I can never trust anyone with the truth of what i possess in my mind because they will use it against me. Learning my moves then saying how it will and won’t work. Let me find out. I want to deal my own hand! I want to take control of my turn. My play. My cards. My life!

I don’t want my opponents to leave. I love them. But they are making it hard for me to involve them in my game. They make it hard for me to share with them my thoughts on my hand, for if i do somehow i end up giving up cards that i wished to keep. It’s pointless to talk, to explain. That is when people hurt people. That is when the dagger leaves the sleeve and one cuts another. Don’t speak. Let the anger escape. Vent it out. And be quiet. Let us play a quiet game.

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Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

The Fire

sticks and limbs gathered together

placed out of the place

but then formed the fire

sparks

started

false fires

lies blow the flames,

the fire grew

burning the surrounding grounds

dirt thrown in layers to extinguish before disaster

the smoldering ashes remained, BUT STILL

heat

stoking it more

ever more will it grow

the fire rekindles

rekindling the fire that should’ve never remained

but too short a time it ceases yet again

never to be sparked again!

buried,

beneath,

the fire is dead

Pause

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As I pause for a moment to take things in
Breathe
Relax
Realize where I am at
The buzzing of the cars and the constant chatter on the street
I realize I am in a place with out rest
Constantly moving
Always doing something
Never do I have time to just think
Deeply think
Meditate on life and life’s adjectives
That used to be my objective
And I have found it isn’t selective
I don’t have time
I miss the endless hours of pursuing my desires
And I wish that I could have just one day
To make that wish come true after this long hiatus
My mind has been so bogged down with life
That I have forgotten to focus on life!
Now
I know that may not make sense
But it is times like these that I just need to pause
Take a moment to relish the facts of life
Pause

Five Years Gone

image

Some people say that you don’t know what you got until its gone
And there is a lot of truth to that
But some people still don’t appreciate things even after they are gone because of their ignorance and unthankfulness
My eyes have been opened to that
I have been that person
But I have learned
When things go missing
It’s your job to find them
And when people grow apart
Someone has to keep that relationship fired up
Some people don’t see the importance of things until a major change takes place
One day a tree is a little sapling
And next thing you know its five years later and that tree has matured much
A lot can happen in five years
And five years is gone and I see the changes around me
I have been distracted by none other than life itself
And forgot to actually pay attention to the things in life that mean the most
I have lost precious time
However, sometimes its not what you lose but what you gain
We gain a lot from rain
Those sheets of rain that come in multiples
Hitting us hard trying to make us fall
They drench us and pound us to the ground
But when the sun comes out
The flowers bloom
And the floods dry up
The result is a beautiful painting

Five years ago I was a child and living the life
I didn’t think of anything stressful
I didn’t think of pressing things in the future
I didn’t notice the prices of everyday things escalate
I didn’t realize that the time I piddled away at every waking moment
Was not going to be brought back
And how I wish I had that relaxed life again
I am still very young
But age is but a number
I just wish I could slow life down and live life to the fullest
I feel like I am unproductive
I know that this is just a phase and it won’t last long…
But I can’t help but think of the expense of time
Time is the most valuable thing in my mind
And with another five years gone
I’m worried about the next five years approaching
Where will I be in five years?
How will I be?
What will I be?
The things around me, will they change?
Change is such a scary thing.
Change can be so depressing, because things of the past and what we look back on,
Is often times all we have to think on
Sometimes those things of the past are all we have to relate to.
It won’t be long, and another five years will be gone…

The Slumber That Never Was

We never sleep.
Sleep is for the weak.
We will never rest until we take our final breath.
The way we function has become blurred and bleak.
But instead of running this course, we crept.
We lazied around and acted like fools.
Wasted time that slipped through our fingers.
Taking advantage of the resourceful tools.
Fall and allowing our plans to linger.

The plans of today we say can wait
We put off till tomorrow what could be a mistake.
If only we knew the value of time.
And the value of lives.
They can’t be brought back.
Our life’s off track
Focusing on the here and now
The carnal desires of the human heart
The head encrypted with vulgar, profane, thinking.
Instead of things eternal
What may be infernal- never considered.
Temporary pleasures are always the winner.
You stereotypical sinner!
Repent!
Don’t be ignorant!
Naive to what’s important…
This is a wakeup call.
Meditate on things sempiternal.
Things that actually matter.
The ignorance that blankets this world, the result?-disaster.
We think “life is long enough” and ” when it’s done it’s done”
But this ludicrous thinking makes us believe in the slumber that never was.