Secure Me

when will i try enough
i say i do, but it doesn’t show.

only the stresses in my head let me know

i care,

but the efforts i have cease to reflect anything of the sort

no one sees

nor understands my pain

i am hurting so much inside because i have yet to become anything more than just a girl

a girl who cant live outside of home and work

do i even meet up to standards and wishes of those i love?

no.

at least not the ones who said they would always love me.

 

and i often wonder:

why is it always the struggle of love

not even lusts,

but love.

the feeling that you are wanted and deserved instead of forgotten and irrelevant

and part of me wants to believe they still love me

for more than an obligation…

they are obligated to talk to me, or respond anyway

i push things and fall

pushing on a weightless object and i fall hard.

 

and then the one i fought for,

i know the love is there, but…

my insecurity haunts me. so much

i cry!

why cant i just be secure!

not just know, but believe!

belief is so hard for me…

it requires trust and trust doesn’t come so easy…

anymore.

i don’t trust anyone or anything.

i have little to no faith and i have no idea where to go about finding it.

i pray for it, i ask for an open mind…

but i trained myself to shut that off.

fear over hope.

fear over trust.

fear over anything besides myself…

yet that’s the problem.

how can i even put faith in myself when i am weak and nothing but a girl.

i am nothing to trust

because

i don’t even believe in myself.

 

my biggest weakness has turned out to be myself.

i have no sense of security in knowing things will be okay,

i believe that God can do anything,

but “will he?” is the question…

that is my problem.

i don’t trust he will…

yet i know God has the best in mind.

i just don’t like letting go.

i want to be in control.

independent, i need help giving myself over to the right One.

the right person. the only one who will secure me.

 

Wish

My one wish is affection
i want love in a way i never had before

not just physical,

but the knowledge it will last forever, not just a season

i wish peace of mind would stay instead of coming in spurts

i want to be joy filled

forever, not a moment of happiness

i want freedom

the happiest i am is when the love of my life comes to me.

not i, him

when he takes me on an adventure

i want adventure!

i want space…

not held in the same place i been my whole life.

i wish for someone who will look to me, and ask for my love

instead of me always wanting it… i want to give it to someone who gives it back more than i

the look in my child’s eyes, when they look to me and i am their world.

and they are mine,

that. is my one wish.

someone who will take care of me and my feelings,

sweet innocence to find me the most beautiful even when there are others more beautiful than i,

someone who will look to me and ask for help and love, instead of me always asking

someone who want my attention, instead of me always wanting the attention

can i give it for once to one who wants it back??

thats my one wish.

The Common Bad

​How is it the thorns of the vine 

Are greater than the fruit

Far more important than the seeds of life

Far more abundant than riches of heavenly things.
I am choked and dry heaving 

On temporary things relieving

A craving

Please uphold Your spirit within me to surpass the common good!
The common good has become all too common

The common good has become all too bad.

The common good is nothing but bad.

Anything but good.

Lusts… the common bad.

Common man, sinful and deceitful.

And the cares of this world, the desires

They deceive even the greatest of deceivers.

We are receivers of our own deceit.
The common bad.

Liars to ourselves.

Thinking the common good is what we want,

We have misunderstood,

Snakes have lured us in.

Water moccasins

Cotton mouths

Sneaky Liars

We.
Lord restore within me anything but the common good. 

Anything but the common bad.

I don’t want anything common…

Give me a peculiar name.

The abnormal anomaly

Let me be an anomaly.

Alien to the common.

Because the common is the majority

And the majority follows.
Help me, Lord, see that being abnormal is normal in Your eyes.

And Your eyes are the only eyes i need to care about to be satisfied.

To be happy.

To be Yours.