when will i try enough
i say i do, but it doesn’t show.
only the stresses in my head let me know
but the efforts i have cease to reflect anything of the sort
no one sees
nor understands my pain
i am hurting so much inside because i have yet to become anything more than just a girl
a girl who cant live outside of home and work
do i even meet up to standards and wishes of those i love?
at least not the ones who said they would always love me.
and i often wonder:
why is it always the struggle of love
not even lusts,
the feeling that you are wanted and deserved instead of forgotten and irrelevant
and part of me wants to believe they still love me
for more than an obligation…
they are obligated to talk to me, or respond anyway
i push things and fall
pushing on a weightless object and i fall hard.
and then the one i fought for,
i know the love is there, but…
my insecurity haunts me. so much
why cant i just be secure!
not just know, but believe!
belief is so hard for me…
it requires trust and trust doesn’t come so easy…
i don’t trust anyone or anything.
i have little to no faith and i have no idea where to go about finding it.
i pray for it, i ask for an open mind…
but i trained myself to shut that off.
fear over hope.
fear over trust.
fear over anything besides myself…
yet that’s the problem.
how can i even put faith in myself when i am weak and nothing but a girl.
i am nothing to trust
i don’t even believe in myself.
my biggest weakness has turned out to be myself.
i have no sense of security in knowing things will be okay,
i believe that God can do anything,
but “will he?” is the question…
that is my problem.
i don’t trust he will…
yet i know God has the best in mind.
i just don’t like letting go.
i want to be in control.
independent, i need help giving myself over to the right One.
the right person. the only one who will secure me.