The ONE Thing


My heart
It can’t handle this
I thought I erased the pain
But it’s still there
More so than before
I thought that I had victory over this feeling
But this is more than a feeling and it is controlling my being
And my mind is screaming
My stomach is leaving
My body
From the hurt I have held
I long so much for the one thing
The one thing!
I desire so much
I can’t seem to see the light
I don’t know the reason why
It is wrong
Why is it wrong!?
That is where I belong
That is what I have needed for so long
And I love him
I need him
He needs me
He wants me
It isn’t fair
I cannot see how life can be so brutal
As to keep you from what you love so much
To the point of
Your eyes
Forgetting what it feels like to be dry
Your ears
No longer responding to reality
Your mind
So full of millions of thoughts but the only thought you keep dwelling on is the one thing
The one thing!
That you can’t have
Why do I have to be so greedy!?
Why do I have to want something so much that I would kill for it?
I would die for it
Because honestly,
Dying for it would be easier than living without it
I have bled over this for years
And when I finally see it within my reach
It disappears
It fades
But yet it’s still there
And it yells at me
‘’hey, I want you!’’
And I can’t say anything other than ‘’I want you too’’
It does me no good!
I am here
Burning alive
In my own flames of heartache
They are burning me alive!
I can’t see past the scorching torment they inflict upon me
Oh God!
Please tell me!
Help me see!
Help me understand why things are the way they are
Why do I have to be drawn to the forbidden fruit?
Must I die if I eat it?
I am considering it
I am dying without it
This thing,
I can’t live without it
You say you won’t let us go through what we can’t endure
But I don’t know if I can go on much longer
I beg of you
Rip my heart out
Steal my mind
Take away my feelings
So I don’t fall in love ever again
I don’t want to be in love
I don’t want to understand it anymore
Why did I have to fall in love?
And why… Why! did it have to be the one thing!
The one thing!!
That I didn’t know was forbidden until I reached for it
Almost as if I was teased
Like holding a steak in front of a starving and rabid wolf,
Then taking it away
Leaving the wolf to steam and fume over the lie
Leaving that wolf to moan over the hunger it has
And you took it back
Like you gave a homeless beggar
One million dollars
Changed his life
Let him dine in the finest of restaurants and buy a nice home
Buy a yacht
Travel the world
Buy a Lamborghini
Let him drive it
He spends much of his free gift
It is taken back
And he is left with nothing again
And not only that
But now,
He owes all that money back
And if he doesn’t pay it he goes to prison
That’s how I feel
I am in prison
I am in a prison called heartbreak
And there is no such escape
Nothing can describe the pain I feel
No word
No picture
No nothing
I feel so much that it can’t be comprehended
Only misunderstood
No one can possibly know what I am going through
Leave me on the train tracks
Run over my soul and leave me to be eaten
By the maggots of emptiness, and loneliness,
Leave me to my numbness.


What If


What if?

Don’t let someone determine the outcome of your life. Life knocks you down? You just get back up and move forward… A man once said, “Well what if that someone that knocked you down was the only thing you knew? And the only thing you knew wasn’t there to help you back up to your feet? Now your a changed person and it’s not a good change. Your heart is set to stone and the only place you know as home is the floor you sleep on at night. You feel like it’s the closes thing you have because your body is close to the floor.” Well where’s the man that told you life is going to knock you down, where is he now? Is he helping you back to your feet is he helping you move forward in your life. No he’s not. And sometimes the only faith you have and the only faith you believe in will leave you….. But what if this is a test? What if the man that told you “when life knocks you down to get back up”, hasn’t left your side and hasn’t forgot about you. What if, he’s seeing if your strong enough to go though the test that life gives you, even tho his people broke you down and made you feel like a misfit in this big world we call home?  What if? -by Brendan Fitzsimmons

This is one of my very best friends writing. He inspires me all the time and I hope this inspires you. He has a YouTube channel also. Subscribe to him!


Often we forget the things we should meditate on

We focus on the negative and put aside positive thoughts

Life is taken out of us

Depression takes hold of us

The murder of our happiness

Has granted our request for sadness

Pain and misery is our go to

The innocence we once had as a child is no longer new

We don’t appreciate the pure minds we once had

We don’t realize that the ignorance is what we want back

It kept us from thinking about malevolent thoughts

The dreams we had are now forgotten

The magic we once believed in is now uncommon

The curious and mischievous minds we had as a child

Has turned into wicked desires and actions that are wild

But now we endure heartbreak

Growing up and maturing causes so much mental heartache

Falling in love is the epitome of depression

Love is supposed to cure that addiction

But it feeds it

And breeds it

Forcing it in our lives

Like the tears that pour out of our eyes

We can’t stop it

Once it comes it doesn’t stop

It ends when the pain is gone

Or until the pain scorches the soul to the point of going numb

They say time heals wounds

But wounds turn into scars and scars can’t be mended or healed

So why do they falsely state that scars are easily resealed

Scars are evil

They never sleep

They bring insomnia in our lives

They bring flashbacks of pain and strife

They make it impossible to forgive and harder to forget

They make it easy for your eyes to never rest

Tears never have a break

The wetness on your sleeves and pillows are no mistake

These scars do not allow a way of escape

They grab and clench your heart

Coil themselves around your rib cage and make themselves at home

Scars are similar to love

Both are very powerful

And both are controlling

They make it hard to hide what you are truly feeling

Both are everlasting

And both can make memories

The constant reminder in our mind of things we did, thought, or said

Haunt us day and night

Ways we could’ve done things different

Ways we could’ve made things better

Ways to avoid having to beg for a second chance

And ways to forget when it isn’t given

Why do scars and love have to be so strong?

Why can’t we forgive and forget and just move on?

Why is it impossible for some and easy for others?

Why do scars exist?

I often wonder…

Moving On

Everything you’ve gone through

It’s all behind you

Its past

But no matter how hard you try to let it go

You can’t take it back

If only you knew the time you are wasting

You are blind to the fact that happiness is right in front of your eyes

Right beyond a closed door

But you notice the door is locked

So you don’t even try to find the key to unlock it

The key is moving on

Forgetting what is holding on

But you choose to stay in this cloud

This sink hole is your home now

The light is too far out of your sight

Darkness is what appears to be your only comfort at night

You cry at what things could’ve been

You beg a god to save your heart from further breaking

But this god fails

Prayers seem to go no further than the ceiling

All the wet pillows and wet sleeves

Don’t seem to reach far enough for God to see

All these setbacks

All these panic attacks

All these stones thrown at me left and right

They weigh you down

They lay you out

Flat on the ground

Like a dough ball that’s lost its form

The numbness from pain has left your with no form

No feeling


An empty hole in your heart

A piece is missing

The piece is your past

And you want it back

But it’s too much to ask

Know that all of this is to make you stronger

You may have lost the battles

But you will win the war

And I will provide the sword

I will help you thrust the dagger in the heart of your past

I will help you forget the pain

I will kill the demons that oppress you and haunt you at night

You cannot give up the fight

And am sure you won’t

You are strong

And you know you are

Because like we have heard many a time is

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

And your pain won’t last much longer

Stick it through

Your rest will come soon enough

And when it does

You will be glad you

You never gave up the fight

The Color Is No Longer Grey


I’ve seen a lot in life.
from beautiful sunsets to pain and strife.
I have been hurt.
I have been comforted.
I have been remembered.
I have been forgotten.
I have been loved.
I have been hated.
But most of all I’ve been traded.
traded by one who said they loved me.
fed to the wolves.
he no longer wants me.
I have been given to the devil.
demons have oppressed me for years
and I was convinced they are my only friends I have near
the color I knew had faded all away
no longer rainbows and sunlight
only gloomy and cloudy days
color turned to grey
black and white
and all the shades intertwined
I was incarcerated in depression
and I didn’t know why
I couldn’t move past the fact that my lover left me
I should’ve seen it coming
no one stays
everyone strays
loyalty is a forgotten trait
this world is full of one-night-stays
and I would stay up late
insomnia controlled my body
darkness was becoming my longing
I hated light and all that was there in
it was all to happy for me
being as depressed as I said I am
I was drowning in a pool of despair
a lake of pain
a sea of heartache
an ocean of scorched feelings
calloused had formed from all of the mental beatings
I was numb
I was done
love doesn’t exist i had confirmed
until I met you
until I found you
and you took me in
you held me tight
you gave me hope after I had lost all sight
I believed that love was a fairy tale
it was just another dream that couldn’t be real
and now love is all I feel
I feel high like a cloud
light like a feather
and I’m floating in the air I cant come down now
like a kite in the air you have control of me
you have taken my heart and ran
leading me to the sky
in happiness I now abide
a smile that has yet to leave my face
ever since our meeting place
if you were to ever leave me
I don’t know what I would do
life would not be worth living without you
you make me laugh
and dry my tears when I cry
you are more genuine than I can say
and your spirit lights my way
you make me look forward to another day
If it wasn’t too soon I know what I would say to you
that I love you
and I would die for you
and I would kill for you
and I would go through anything for you
as if you were me
I wish that you are always happy
I know the pain you’ve been through
and I know the scars you have on you
the burdens and pain from your past
you havent let them go
and you wont take them back
but lay them on me
let me take them from you
I will hold your weights so you can be free
all the tears
I will swallow them
all the cuts
I will sew them
all the lies
I will solve them
and all the sicknesses
I will cure them
the color that I had once before in my eyes has returned
I can see truth and love I’ve never seen before
I am no longer grey
and I hope you are here to stay

You Walked Away


Don’t worry about me
I’m a way better person than to give into irrelevant feelings
My feelings don’t matter
At least that’s how I feel sometimes
I haven’t cried in what seems like forever
Because I’m numb to the emptiness inside
Your love is like a tonic
It cures every disease in my body
I am a tarnished creature
With a wicked heart
And a dirty mind
You cleanse me and make me whole
But only lasted for a short time
You are what I relent
You made me so happy and so high
But when you left I became dead inside
You brought me so far just to drop me below
Now I am in what feels like hell
Why do you go?
I loved you!
I was there for you!
I cared for you and I carried you through disaster
When to storms came we stood like a stronghold
Nothing would overpower us
Because we were bound by the chains of eternal love
But that chain broke
My heart broke
I broke
And you didn’t care
As if we had never ever shared eye contact for the first time
You walked away
As if we never met
You walked away
As if you never loved me
You walked away
And now I am a hollow soul
Because you walked away

Saying Goodbye

As soon as you came in my life you are leaving me.
I never really got to know you personally
But I know enough to know I love you
And I’ll miss you
And you mean so much to me
You’ve mad me who I am
You helped me overcome my insecurity
Told me I was beautiful
And helped me to believe it myself.
I’d been told that by many that my blemishes don’t matter
But its hard to believe someone when I can’t see my natural beauty myself.
And I know now,
That physical beauty isn’t all the same
Everyone looks different.
But I see that now.
And if it weren’t for you,
I would still be looking in the mirror
Hating myself.
You were the sweetest lady I have ever known.
Like a perfect angel from above.
And as I write this tears do fall.
Because I will miss you more than you will ever know.
But when you are up in heaven soon
You will look down
And I promise to make you proud.
I love you like a second mother.
You nurtured me
and put some things in me
Back together.
My biological mother has shown me the same love
But when she showers me everyday with it
I tend to forget
That what she says isn’t made up
Its not a lie
She truly means it
And you helped me understand it.
For a long time I felt like what my mother said was a lie
She spoke words of love because she loves me
And I thought she had eyes that were blind to truly see
I thought what she said all those years was just a mother to daughter compliment.
But she was just trying to give me confidence.
But it wasn’t til you were generous with love
Til I realized it wasn’t just empty words.
It was real.
And she was right.
I am beautiful.
And I believe it. And I know it. And I will shout it.
I only hope to one day
Be like you.
In all you say and do.
You are the by far
The most inspirational
Most influential
Most beautiful
Inside and out.
You were not only a friend.
But a mother.
And a sister.
And a helper.
And a listener.
And an advisor.
My role model.
And I love you.
Truly I do.
I wish you could last forever
But truth is you will
I will see you one day soon
When I go to heaven.
This God forsaken cancer
Took you by force
And I found myself blaming God
Because he didn’t save you.
But it was wrong of me…
Because God just want to be
Closer to you
In a way he’d never been before
He wanted you to visit him.
And you will soon enough.
Until then, and after then I will cry
Tears of sorrow
Bitter sorrow…
But tears of joy for you will be in no more pain.
I love you Mrs. Barb.
I can’t wait to see you
On the other side of this life.
Goodbye. For now.

It’s For The Better

Saying goodbye to someone…
I never knew the pain.
I have never lost someone. ever.
I’ve never felt this before.
But I hate it.
And I just want to sleep and forget it.
But its there, its keeping me awake.
I am soaking my pillow,
Drenching my sheets.
Shaking my bed
From sniffling, sobbing.
Oh God,
Why did you let this happen I wonder…
But its all for the good.
Nothing that happens will always be understood…
But its for the better.
I must tell myself this.
It is for the better.