My Heart Speaks

Show me your face

I want to see you

I want to see your glory

I want to see your power

This very hour

So do it in me

My heart speaks out right now oh God

I need more than just comfort

I need love

I need affection

I need mercy

Forgiveness and hurt my heart speaks

My heart speaks out right now oh God

I life my voice up and i sing to you in vain

My worship is not enough

My heart speaks to You

I long for Your free acceptance

Your genuine love that far that exceeds man’s character

My heart speaks Lord

I give up

I want to die forever

To this world. To myself. I want to die to everything for You.

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Losing

Losing something you never got to even hold

The worst pain that can’t be explained only comprehended

Just within reach and then one day flies away to a stream of blood and waste

I try to have faith

But it feels at the moment it was all a waste

So i remind myself it was never in vain

Never give up

Dont have hate

Just faith

Faith faith faith

Continue to believe that this just isnt time and place

I will never forget my first time

And as soon as it came it went

Every ache pain and discomfort i have had

Cannot amount to the pain i feel now

First thing on my mind is to give up

Why am i so weak!

God didn’t give a life to take it so i lose my belief

He is just testing me i guess

A life full of nothing but tests

All i can hope and pray for is that it all will soon end

Im exhausted

Life gets too good and i get too happy

Surreal long enough to where reality sets in

Then it happens

I start losing the faith again. 😦

Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Only

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Love Is Never Enough

We spend our time working hard just to catch another dollar

We push loved ones to the side just for our names to get larger

Gotta push another person farther

Gotta make a safe distance

Gotta make sure they dont know me Isolation is never enough,

Solitary it really dont get us enough

Time alone; is a cherished time

Because there is no one to look you in the eyes

Or see the many times you cry

No one will ever know you lied

Remember that one time you said you were just fine

But really inside, you were dying to not cry

Trying to force them tears back and lie

Care so much of them and what they think you wear a disguise

Cake it on like makeup and change your looks, you die inside your demise

Make sure no one will ever read your hook

And truly find the meaning of why you say that  its never enough

People in this world become so cold and

nothing can warm them up

Only the feeling of being loved

and cherished

But once that feeling fades,

back to the cold familiar place

I spent all this time tryna be a people pleaser

but it aint do nothing for me but made me

lose some of me

I always cared to much of what others say

Too much of what others think

And i needed long ago to learn my do’s and donts

I needed to find in myself what others wont

And i wish i didnt fall so hard to all these fakes who dont

Care about what i deserve and about my wellbeing

i will sacrifice and be giving so much

Circumstances in every hurt doesnt really matter

Because whats past is past and its never enough

It will never be enough

For you to try and please everyone

all the love, doesnt really last and it aint enough

It aint enough

You can love so hard it cant be mistaken

And it aint enough

You can try to trust all you want

It wont be enough

But in the back your head it will be thoughts you dont want

Because trust isnt real in the world anymore

Stay poppin them pills and rollin it up

Hoping to numb the pain, aint never sobbered up enough

Its not enough

Why stay in this world when the pain is so mucht to bare

Why stay alive for someone you love, when they are hurting with you

Just as much

That cant be reason enough

The ONE Thing

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My heart
It can’t handle this
I thought I erased the pain
But it’s still there
More so than before
I thought that I had victory over this feeling
But this is more than a feeling and it is controlling my being
And my mind is screaming
My stomach is leaving
My body
Aching
From the hurt I have held
I long so much for the one thing
The one thing!
I desire so much
I can’t seem to see the light
I don’t know the reason why
It is wrong
Why is it wrong!?
That is where I belong
That is what I have needed for so long
And I love him
I need him
He needs me
He wants me
It isn’t fair
I cannot see how life can be so brutal
As to keep you from what you love so much
To the point of
Your eyes
Forgetting what it feels like to be dry
Your ears
No longer responding to reality
Your mind
So full of millions of thoughts but the only thought you keep dwelling on is the one thing
The one thing!
That you can’t have
Why do I have to be so greedy!?
Why do I have to want something so much that I would kill for it?
I would die for it
Because honestly,
Dying for it would be easier than living without it
I have bled over this for years
And when I finally see it within my reach
It disappears
It fades
But yet it’s still there
And it yells at me
‘’hey, I want you!’’
And I can’t say anything other than ‘’I want you too’’
It does me no good!
I am here
Dying
Inside
Burning alive
In my own flames of heartache
They are burning me alive!
I can’t see past the scorching torment they inflict upon me
Oh God!
Please tell me!
Help me see!
Help me understand why things are the way they are
Why do I have to be drawn to the forbidden fruit?
Must I die if I eat it?
I am considering it
I am dying without it
This thing,
This ONE THING!!
I can’t live without it
God,
You say you won’t let us go through what we can’t endure
But I don’t know if I can go on much longer
Please
I beg of you
Rip my heart out
Steal my mind
Take away my feelings
So I don’t fall in love ever again
I don’t want to be in love
I don’t want to understand it anymore
Why did I have to fall in love?
And why… Why! did it have to be the one thing!
The one thing!!
That I didn’t know was forbidden until I reached for it
Almost as if I was teased
Like holding a steak in front of a starving and rabid wolf,
Then taking it away
Leaving the wolf to steam and fume over the lie
Leaving that wolf to moan over the hunger it has
And you took it back
Like you gave a homeless beggar
One million dollars
Changed his life
Let him dine in the finest of restaurants and buy a nice home
Buy a yacht
Travel the world
Buy a Lamborghini
Let him drive it
He spends much of his free gift
Then…
It is taken back
And he is left with nothing again
And not only that
But now,
He owes all that money back
And if he doesn’t pay it he goes to prison
Well,
That’s how I feel
I am in prison
I am in a prison called heartbreak
And there is no such escape
Nothing can describe the pain I feel
No word
No picture
No nothing
I feel so much that it can’t be comprehended
Only misunderstood
No one can possibly know what I am going through
Leave me on the train tracks
Run over my soul and leave me to be eaten
By the maggots of emptiness, and loneliness,
Leave me to my numbness.

What If

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What if?

Don’t let someone determine the outcome of your life. Life knocks you down? You just get back up and move forward… A man once said, “Well what if that someone that knocked you down was the only thing you knew? And the only thing you knew wasn’t there to help you back up to your feet? Now your a changed person and it’s not a good change. Your heart is set to stone and the only place you know as home is the floor you sleep on at night. You feel like it’s the closes thing you have because your body is close to the floor.” Well where’s the man that told you life is going to knock you down, where is he now? Is he helping you back to your feet is he helping you move forward in your life. No he’s not. And sometimes the only faith you have and the only faith you believe in will leave you….. But what if this is a test? What if the man that told you “when life knocks you down to get back up”, hasn’t left your side and hasn’t forgot about you. What if, he’s seeing if your strong enough to go though the test that life gives you, even tho his people broke you down and made you feel like a misfit in this big world we call home?  What if? -by Brendan Fitzsimmons

This is one of my very best friends writing. He inspires me all the time and I hope this inspires you. He has a YouTube channel also. Subscribe to him! https://youtu.be/i-7c43cVFWQ

Scars

Often we forget the things we should meditate on

We focus on the negative and put aside positive thoughts

Life is taken out of us

Depression takes hold of us

The murder of our happiness

Has granted our request for sadness

Pain and misery is our go to

The innocence we once had as a child is no longer new

We don’t appreciate the pure minds we once had

We don’t realize that the ignorance is what we want back

It kept us from thinking about malevolent thoughts

The dreams we had are now forgotten

The magic we once believed in is now uncommon

The curious and mischievous minds we had as a child

Has turned into wicked desires and actions that are wild

But now we endure heartbreak

Growing up and maturing causes so much mental heartache

Falling in love is the epitome of depression

Love is supposed to cure that addiction

But it feeds it

And breeds it

Forcing it in our lives

Like the tears that pour out of our eyes

We can’t stop it

Once it comes it doesn’t stop

It ends when the pain is gone

Or until the pain scorches the soul to the point of going numb

They say time heals wounds

But wounds turn into scars and scars can’t be mended or healed

So why do they falsely state that scars are easily resealed

Scars are evil

They never sleep

They bring insomnia in our lives

They bring flashbacks of pain and strife

They make it impossible to forgive and harder to forget

They make it easy for your eyes to never rest

Tears never have a break

The wetness on your sleeves and pillows are no mistake

These scars do not allow a way of escape

They grab and clench your heart

Coil themselves around your rib cage and make themselves at home

Scars are similar to love

Both are very powerful

And both are controlling

They make it hard to hide what you are truly feeling

Both are everlasting

And both can make memories

The constant reminder in our mind of things we did, thought, or said

Haunt us day and night

Ways we could’ve done things different

Ways we could’ve made things better

Ways to avoid having to beg for a second chance

And ways to forget when it isn’t given

Why do scars and love have to be so strong?

Why can’t we forgive and forget and just move on?

Why is it impossible for some and easy for others?

Why do scars exist?

I often wonder…