More than not.

More than not I am alone.

More than not I am hurting.

More than not you aren’t here by me…

More than not I am sad.

More than not I feel lonely.

More than not I am depressed.

More than not you can’t help me.

More than not you go with your friends.

More than not I am last.

More than not I miss you.

More than not I feel far from your thoughts.
Do you even think of me?

Miss me? Truly?

Or is that something you say to maybe make me feel better…

Don’t you realize you mean everything to me?

Don’t you realize I think of the worst with you?

Because of you?

Because of me?

I am a worry freak.

And leaving me to myself and my horrifying thoughts is what will kill me.

How could you!?

Leave me to this horror I bring upon myself…

More than not.

More than not.

More than not.

What’s inside of me…

I am going to do something I never done before… share my deepest, darkest, innermost thoughts. When you get done reading it you may think I am a whack job. Maybe an emo. Maybe a spycho. Or maybe a normal human being who hurts like everyone, loves like everyone, and breathes like everyone… but just remember we all have skeletons in the closet. 

Okay.

So to tell you how I feel I will have to dig deep. Deeper than I ever have before. Deeper than the wound of your lover cheating on you. Deeper than the trench in the ocean. Deeper than any pain or hurt you could imagine. I must go deep. 

Empty.

Have you ever felt so empty you could not begin to describe how empty you felt? So empty that not even God seems to fill you. So empty that food would never satisfy. Crazy isn’t it? How bout this.

Hurt.

You ever felt so much hurt that it felt numb. Bled so many tears you couldn’t cry anymore? Breaking down is a normal thing for you, and you literally schedule a time to cry because you know it’s time to. Not that you necessarily have a legit reason as of late, but you know deep down, “okay, time to shed the last bit of salt water in my body.” Ever felt that? 

Stress.

Ever stressed so much that your stresses turn into nightmares. That vivid scene portrayed in your mind becomes reality. For a moment. But a moment too long. Nightmares depicted so vividly you feel the pain when you wake up. I had a dream I was running, Barefoot on rocks. My feet bled and I sobbed as I tried to escape my rapist. I woke up, fists clenched and my feet aching as I got up to get ready for work. It’s becoming a normal thing for me. Yes, I will never get used to it, but it is a normal thing. It is a normal thing for me to stress so much it affects my breathing. I hyperventilate. I stare into space. Thoughtless. Motivation withered away. Apathy settled in and there I am alone.

Alone.

Have you ever felt so alone, that you don’t even acknowledge others existing around you? I walked the street and didn’t see people. Or cars. Not houses… I saw nature. Cows and birds chirping. Horses and an occasional squirrel… but no one else but me around. God was there, but I couldn’t feel Him. I felt alone. So lonely you cry yourself to a panic. Ever felt that? Knowing you have absolutely no one to talk to. No one cares to understand you, only to give you there opinion on why you feel alone, and what you should do to fix it. They don’t bother to help you, or comfort you. They don’t bother to understand… just tell you what they think. Well, here’s what I think. I think suicide.

Suicide.

You ever thought about after life? How amazing heaven must be. And how, if it’s so perfect, why are we still here. What’s the point to live if living isn’t even living. I feel like I am surviving. I can’t even make it on my own, how is life worth living if I can’t live. But as soon as you prepare to take your life you think of those who love you… your husband. Your wife. Your brother. Sister. Mother. Father. Friend. Co-worker. How many people would I affect? Am I even that important to this world? How would I be missed. Would it? How long? How long till they’d move on…

Trapped.

Ever felt trapped? Take a wrong turn but there’s no uturns. No way to turn back around and make the right turn. No way to get those around you to understand that your GPS lost signal. Time to recalculate. Time to reboot my friendship… is it even worth it? 

I am depressed. I have anxiety. And the doctors have told me to take the meds, but I don’t want to! I am not a loony person. I am in no need of something to alter my personality… I rather feel nothing. And that’s what I am is nothing. I can’t say everything I feel, words can’t describe sometimes. If you feel nothing, how can it be compared to anything? If you feel a deep hurt, how will anyone know unless they are you? How will anyone know things people have said about you? And how being called easy by your own father hurt you so much. That being called a whore by numerous people changed you. That being called ditsy made you feel like you couldn’t accomplish much. That words cut like knives. Or maybe even machetes. Words completely cut off my life. I feel kinda dead inside. Ever been called a bitch? Or a f****** b****? yeah. It doesn’t feel good. Especially when you been sheltered your whole life. You know nothing. Nothing about paying bills, social life, work, or, you know… life. It’s all so knew I am I am screwed. I am done with life. And to be honest if I didn’t live another day it may be better for everyone.

Fun

When can I have fun?

When will it be I am the one who goes out with friends??

I’m lonely and not even looking for a friend.

What is the point?

Just so they can hurt me against and again?

Just so I can think we will be best of friends and it will never end?

What a lie.

Why would I lie to myself, that will never​ happen.

No one thinks I meet their standards.

I’m not cool enough.

But it’s whatever,

Let me drown in a sea of hopelessness

Let me suffocate in a lonely estate.

I have a mate and a companion,

But it doesn’t even matter.

If it did, I wouldn’t feel this way.

I want to feel

To FEEL important

Not just be told, but to believe.

I want someone to express their love for me constantly

Maybe that’s annoying

Maybe even rediculous…

I am rediculous

I am weird

I am a needy insecure person

That is who I am

And I am not changing anytime soon.

Why should I?

It’s not like changing for people has helped this far…

It’s not like puting myself last in situations helped much.

When can I have fun??

I want to live and be able to go out with friends,

Party, eat, be merry and play..
Not in a bad way,

I never said I would whore around,

I wouldn’t even venture to drink, smoke or do drugs…

I just want innocent fun.

Innocent trips to the beach, park, skating, bowling, shopping, eating, you know…

Escapades 

People my age make.

I can cry but no one heard or sees me,

So what’s the point anymore.

I am tired of wasting my emotions.

I feel I am reaching an emotionless state.

Is that bad?

Well, if it is, so sad.

Time For Me To Fly…

This is where I begin. 

This is where we end

Cease fire

Hold back

Clip

Pull the trigger.

Blow.

Blown.

Blown opportunity.

I told you to back off!

I said to respect my decision!

I said respect my heart’s desires. 

Understand where my happiness lies,

And what do you do???

Ignore.

Boom.

Blow up.

Immancipate

Yes. You assassinated

Any relationship we had gained back

Just leave me alone

Don’t talk to me.

I can’t even look at you, I can’t even talk to you

I can’t even think about you!!

I will blow a fuse.

Say exactly what I don’t mean,

Lose my testimony.

Lose my dignity and maturity.

I was the bigger person.

Not you.

Age is nothing but a number. Don’t be so ignorant.

Dummy.

Think I don’t know what you think?

I heard enough. And I still cut it short.

I heard it all, and you never finished your thoughts.

You think little before you speak, same as I.

But the difference is I left just in time.

I won’t be coming back for a while.

This time you couldn’t make me leave,

I left by choice, because​your words stabbed me

I had to go to my hospital.

My love.

Who actually loved me enough to mend hurt and pain.

I don’t need you.

This is where I begin.

This is where we end!

My Independence shall glow up

My Independence shall glow up!

My dependency falls by the wayside,

And we part ways.

Stay on your side.

Don’t come in my Lane.

Stay away from me, keep your mouth to yourself.

Focus on your own problems

Worry about your own life.

Leave me be.

It’s time for me to fly…

Enough

Am i good enough?
A question that haunts my every thought…

Every day i wonder if i am what you always wanted. 

Am i good enough?

For you?

I never feel like i am… i guess that’s where my insecurity reaches out to infinity.
So am i?

Am i enough?

Do you have to look elsewhere to another to feed your fantasies?

To meet your standards?

Do i meet your desires?

Grant them with one wish if i could.

I beg to God i am sufficient. 

That i am enough.

That me as a person, growing each day, is enough for you.
I make mistakes.

I say stupid things…

But is it too late? 

To ask, am i enough?

Was i enough for a while and now empty?

Do i fill the void you have?

Am i enough?

Is what i have… enough?

😦

I hope you aren’t pretending.

Anxiety 

The Voiceless Heart

It’s a cold-blooded weapon

Implosive thoughts

Self-mutilation of my thoughts

There is no color

When it’s always dark in here

And as my cold glare

Faces my fears

The depressing assailants

That

Seem to seek placement in my psyche

Attack me

And pain spreads through my chest

Like wildfire

And I’m defenseless

Begging for someone to pay the penance

That frees me from a painful purgatory

Worst than any American Horror Story

Freddie Krueger couldn’t be this gory

Mental deconstruction tells its story

And on these stormy banks

I attempt my slumber

My thoughts? Or thunder?

It’s no wonder I keep going under

Pain grimaces on the face of my

Pursuit of happiness

The audacity in clapping is

I’m pouring out impassionate

Poetic prayers precisely preceding

The emotional banishment

That seems to riddle me with a physical pain

Oh, boy, what an ailment!

How can I

Dark as ivory

Possess…

View original post 107 more words

Underlying

image
What it is?
Why?
How?
I try.
I been trying so hard!
Why wont it die!?
I can do all these things
But i still end up with the same plight
Depression
Anxiety
Misery
Negativity
Oh my God.
Help me. Please
I know You are my strength
My security
But it never settles in!
There’s something underlying.
Something that keeps me from having a peace
Im crying
Begging for a cure
An antidote
But i dont have a clue where
But this is killing me softly
The devil is using me to fight me
At least thats what i been told
And the logic to that
Well
It makes sense
So what is underlying…
Myself.
My weakness
My addiction that i have
And the guilt i can’t free
God
Save me
From what’s underlying…

Depression

image

Depression is like a hallucinogenic drug.

It makes you see things that aren’t really there.

You see things that appear bad,

But really it’s all in your head.

A depressed person never sees the positive,

They never focus on the good things in life.

Pessimistic…

Sometimes, without realizing it;

They are their own antagonist.

They are the ones that bring themselves down

They beat themselves up

They say they aren’t good enough

And as if they are blind to anything good

They ignore the words of the ones trying to help them

Breathe Again

image

Water gulped through her lungs
She comes up spewing
Coughing

Eyes bloodshot and burning
The breath of air would be like a glimpse of heaven
Paralysis from the whirlpool of sin
Controlled by the currents that kept her in

She swam with her uttermost strength
But nothing happened
Just loss of energy

The humiliation of her own weakness
Seemed to drown her continually
The air she grasped for
Too far from her reach

The crowds laughter
Like the jaws of sharks teeth
Chewing her up
Eating her soul
Ripping her heart apart

Tears hidden
By the water she’s trapped in

She just wants to breathe again.
One breath.
For one second.
Then back in to the torment of life.
Life had become an overwhelming whirlpool.
Holding her
Keeping her from leaving it
No freedom
No happiness
Just incarceration
Just depression

The chasm that separates
The sea from the sky
Can only be crossed with someone on the other side
Not by one’s power alone

Who will pull her through?
Who will reach down to drag her up?
She is drowning
Who will dive in to save her?
Who will catch her and
Be her hero,
Be her rescuer,
Be her safety,
The love of her life,
Her security,
Her husband,
Her friend;
Until the end?

Who will let her breathe again?

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