I Found You

I will admit it

I was ready to give up

Settle for less

Just to be done

I was ready to live in an empty state

Ready to love someone I didn’t love for the rest of my life

Boy, what a mistake

 

I knew you the whole time

And I liked you in the back of my mind

from the start

But I refused to give up what I had my mind set on

I was determined to be done looking

I decided on the lesser to be done searching

 

I would twist things in my mind to make me like you less

And I would take rumors and nonsense spread

And use it to my advantage

Excuse to not like you

To not fall in love with you

 

I knew I had some feeling going on

I felt disloyal to the on I settled for

I felt like a cheater

So I distanced myself more

And I purposed to love the lesser

To forget the greater

 

 

You were the greater

You were the one I wanted from the start

But when you were taken I decided to just keep what I already knew I had

I shouldn’t have

I was just so sick of trying

Sick of aiming higher

When the arrow would just land low

 

I always heard to aim high so you don’t settle for less

But you just seemed too high

And like I said before

I gave up

I was defeated after my last breakup

I was too hurt to be broken again

 

But there I was again

Déjà vu

I reached a point where I didn’t know what to do

Other than give up completely

Drink my problems away

In apathy

I didn’t give a care anymore

I was hurt too much

I needed an escape

 

 

 

 

 

So I risked everything

And did I ever fail

I failed at my testimony

I lost it all

I lost you

And I left you

And now I am alone wishing I could just see you

Tell you in person how much I love you

Show you how much I care about you

 

But I can’t

I am enduring a trial of patience

It is so difficult to keep my head up

Hope is a hard thing for me to believe in

I have too many ups and downs

You told me to keep trying and to have faith

But I never told you these things

And I have a past in my heart

That is hard to depart

From

I would run

From God

From life

From reality

I refused to believe things that was as clear as water

So it all rushed through me

Hit every organ and left me bruised up

 

 

It was all my fault tho

I should’ve listened

I shouldn’t have settled

I shouldn’t have given up

And it this doesn’t work…

I don’t know what I will do.

But know that I love you

More than myself

I would give up anything

And I will do without

Forgive me if I doubt that you believe me when I say that

But I do

For you are my everything

And I only long for the day that I can put action to my words

And prove to you

How much I love you

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Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Enough, one day…

One day I will be enough.

Enough for you.

Enough for me.

And maybe enough for God.

Until then I fall short every day and I fail.

I don’t think you realize how much I wish to meet your needs, standards, expectations, and I don’t.

I am told I need to grow.

I am told not to do this.

I am told to stop worrying.

I am told to calm down…

Why is it I am changing everything, or told to change everything about myself​.

I feel like I am being shaped, molded, sculped, but I want to be myself.

I have not even found my true self yet and I am Fighting to protect myself.

Inside and out I am Fighting.

Warfare at every turn.

I can’t defeat this on my own, and support is hard to come by but for only a moment.

Patience is great, but not enough.

I need space. Time. And patience.

Your words hurt me, and I don’t think you realize.

But that is you. 

And you tell me that I am too sensitive.

But you aren’t enough.

You aren’t sensitive enough.

If you could for only a moment dive into my brain and my constant thoughts, you would go crazy.

Maybe I am crazy. I don’t know, I just wish things would let up and life was a little bit easier for only a moment. 😦

I remember

I remember the feelings i first got,

the first few nights we would talk to each other,

i remember thinking, is this turning into something deep?

a deeper love than i want to tread?

i remember the butterflies that began, the gut wrenching feeling that i couldnt contain.

i remember the pounding of my heart, that i could feel throughout my body as you would say you love me.

i remember it all,

like it was just last week.

the first time we kissed

it was magical.

i remember the first time we took it to the next level, and i didnt care.

i wasnt scared… because i knew you werent a theif in the night.

trying to steal my treasure then leave

i knew who i was surrendering my heart to.

i knew exactly why i did, because i wanted to be with you.

 

i remember it all.

the warmth of your humid breath on my nose.

with the 43 degree weather, it was cold.

i remember your leather jacket you let me wear, and i remember your cologne you wore,

oh, it smelled so good.

i remember when you picked me up and i felt like a princess,

i remember when i was holding your cold hand, and we were walking.

i remember loving every picture you hated most.

i remember wanting to talk to you more but you would have to go

i remember when i finally had enough and i weeped

i hadn’t seen you for weeks, so you came to see me.

the long distance thing… it was hard

here we are now, and we can say we passed a chasm.

the chasm that separated us from being with each other.

here we are now, and we can say love truly conquers all.

here we are now,and we can now say, im taken, im married.

here we are now, and nothing can stop us from fulfilling what road God has mapped out for us,

let us embark on this journey of marriage.

Prove

The 15th of April…

that marks the ending

the beginning of the end.

the end of the beginning.

saying vows… that should and would last eternity.

vowing my allegiance to a man i barely know, now thats security

for what is love that isn’t ever lasting?

who says time is what it takes to truly love someone?

time for me to take up my words,

put them to use

to prove them.

to prove myself.

to prove.

As Life Now Begins

I have reached a new checkpoint in life

and

people are already challenging me

expecting me to fall

to fail

to mess up and “prove” i made a mistake

well, all i can say…

“As life now begins

i feel a little scared,

but i know that with the faith i have gained,

God will always be there.

as life now begins,

i know that times will be hard,

but even if i never made any distance,

there would still be obstacles.

as life now begins,

all the doubters can doubt,

but they will see in a few years,

that their doubt is what sprung a fire in me to succeed.

as life now begins, i want nothing but to prove them wrong.

show them, its possible, and that i am not crazy.

show them that even tho i hit a downfall,

i am treading up hill, at an enduring speed.

i feel God’s hand upon me.

yes, there are those that feel different.

think that because they have a spiritual authority,

that my calling and what i feel is God,

is nothing.

well,

to them i say, hah hah

think what you like.

say what you like.

hate on me.

prey on me.

but i will pray for you, because you are being led astray by your own pride…

as life now begins,

i am slow to make friends.

friends turn into enemies quickly.

when big things come in life,

friends should never leave your side.

friends should never talk bad about you,

talk down to you,

make you feel lesser…

but many times do.

and it is then that i realize how much of a friend they truly are.

they like many in the world, out for themselves

looking out for themselves.

“what will i look like…” and the like.

i dont have time for those who second guess my friendship.

its as genuine as it can come.

but only to some.

those who dont truly understand a true friendship, arent true friends.

they dont comprehend what they once had.

but it is now lost,

second chances are a downgrade.

things will NEVER be the same.

but nevertheless i will always be a friend.

as life now begins,

i am learning every day,

things that i shouldve known for years,

that i never had the chance.

being held back has made things different.

not just hard,

but different.

the embarrassment…

being humbled at common sense things…

as life now begins,

i have found a new me.

taking on life,

head-on, full force, bring the rain

i fight through pain

as life now begins.

Anxiety 

The Voiceless Heart

It’s a cold-blooded weapon

Implosive thoughts

Self-mutilation of my thoughts

There is no color

When it’s always dark in here

And as my cold glare

Faces my fears

The depressing assailants

That

Seem to seek placement in my psyche

Attack me

And pain spreads through my chest

Like wildfire

And I’m defenseless

Begging for someone to pay the penance

That frees me from a painful purgatory

Worst than any American Horror Story

Freddie Krueger couldn’t be this gory

Mental deconstruction tells its story

And on these stormy banks

I attempt my slumber

My thoughts? Or thunder?

It’s no wonder I keep going under

Pain grimaces on the face of my

Pursuit of happiness

The audacity in clapping is

I’m pouring out impassionate

Poetic prayers precisely preceding

The emotional banishment

That seems to riddle me with a physical pain

Oh, boy, what an ailment!

How can I

Dark as ivory

Possess…

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In Secret

image

You take me to a faraway place
I often times can’t think straight
My words will slur as if drunken
And my mind goes blank and freezes

My thoughts ran together
Electricity raced through my veins and I was shocked.
I couldn’t move
For if I did I would surely fall
Unstable knees
Your kiss was intoxicatingly amazing
And I would give anything to endure it again
First time
Shocked and astounded
Rushed
But the feeling never wore off
Second time great
But not long enough
Third time smooth
Longer yet short
As soon as it begun
We were stopped by the noise above

Two lovers that meet in secret
Are the two that will forever be changed.

Never

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Never did I think I would say that I like him
Never did I think I would want things to happen
Never did I think I could see us together
But here I am now
Contemplating
Wondering why”I love you” is part of my thinking
And I am always saying
Not right now
No
Wait
Now’s not the time
I need to focus
Get myself straight
I tried so hard and I blocked out my emotions
And then like a tsunami the waves of love came
Rolling
Crashing
Thundering towards me
And drowning my heart
I wish I had an oxygen mask
Or a vaccine against love’s air
because love is in the air
The aura of loveliness about him speaks volumes
I am in over my head
I need saving
I write and I write
To free my mind
Let go of my spirit
Not to pass the time
I barely have anytime
Which makes me wonder
When did I have time to fall so hard?
When I did realize I had this feeling
I gasped for air
And something settled into my lungs
A ball formed in my throat
I am not ready for this
No matter how hard I try
And I don’t want to fight the temptations
They are already showing themselves
I think of when we can rendezvous
Sneak a kiss and maybe two
Taste the love on our lips and know that it isn’t through
We can fight for things to be
And we can pray that it will happen
But we take the chance of a broken heart
That will suffocate like quick sand
Suck us in
Spit us out
And say to our faces
Never