Come Home, Please?

And i can still feel your lips
That last time before you left.
You gently resting your strong hands on my waist and hugging me
Your strength is what helped me say good bye.

By far the biggest decision i ever made was being with you
And now the biggest decision as of now is being apart from you.
I cant sleep well again.
For you calmed the storms that flooded my mind.
My nightmares come and go, but no one can help calm them in this cold bed.

I slept with more layers than normal to stay warm.
Its cold.
I miss your body heat.
I want to hug you so bad right now.
Kiss you.
Hold your hand.
I want to take you to work.
I want to pick you up, as you walk to the car with this smile that says “i love my baby”
But i cant. And wont.
For a while.
This short time will be the longest in my mind.

I cant bare to think of another night without you, but i must learn to live with that thought.

I thought getting up early would be hard,
But i see it wont be, for i cannot sleep.
I love you
And i miss you…
Please come home soon. 😦

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Write

You never write for me anymore…

Have you lost inspiration from me?

Do I not inspire you anymore?

Am I boring​?

No longer at a distance so the love is different…

I see. 😦

I miss you writing for me. About me. To me. With me.

I miss it.

It breaks my heart I don’t cover your mind enough to be written about…

You know I love it!

You know it makes me smile.

So why?

Write for me my love, I beg for your words of encouragement and romance to light my day.

To lighten my nights!

Give me something to sleep on to make me have the best of dreams.

I need help, I need your writings…

Please my love, write.

Alone

I always am alone

No one to talk to

But what’s weird is when I get around people, I want to go home and be alone…

So why do I feel so lonely?

Company doesn’t appeal to me.

People betray,

People hate,

People lie, and back stab…

I can’t trust anyone,

And every time​I do I get hurt.

Maybe that is why I don’t want company.

Maybe that is why I don’t want Friends..

But at the same time I do, I want Friends.

So which is it?

I don’t even know.

Do I want friends? And risk getting hurt over and over again like always…

Or do I want to be alone, like I always feel. Always have felt. And come to think of it, when I have friends, it lasts for such a short time, that I still feel lonely. Probably because I know that they aren’t there for me. 

Probably because I know that in only a matter of time they will drop me.

Forgive me for this self pity,

But I am saddened by the fact I can’t keep anybody…

And I don’t want to. I am afraid to. 

I am deathly afraid of being alone, but

I am Also terrified of being with others.

I feel perplexed, and I am lost for words of how to explain it other than I am lonely.

More than not.

More than not I am alone.

More than not I am hurting.

More than not you aren’t here by me…

More than not I am sad.

More than not I feel lonely.

More than not I am depressed.

More than not you can’t help me.

More than not you go with your friends.

More than not I am last.

More than not I miss you.

More than not I feel far from your thoughts.
Do you even think of me?

Miss me? Truly?

Or is that something you say to maybe make me feel better…

Don’t you realize you mean everything to me?

Don’t you realize I think of the worst with you?

Because of you?

Because of me?

I am a worry freak.

And leaving me to myself and my horrifying thoughts is what will kill me.

How could you!?

Leave me to this horror I bring upon myself…

More than not.

More than not.

More than not.

Fun

When can I have fun?

When will it be I am the one who goes out with friends??

I’m lonely and not even looking for a friend.

What is the point?

Just so they can hurt me against and again?

Just so I can think we will be best of friends and it will never end?

What a lie.

Why would I lie to myself, that will never​ happen.

No one thinks I meet their standards.

I’m not cool enough.

But it’s whatever,

Let me drown in a sea of hopelessness

Let me suffocate in a lonely estate.

I have a mate and a companion,

But it doesn’t even matter.

If it did, I wouldn’t feel this way.

I want to feel

To FEEL important

Not just be told, but to believe.

I want someone to express their love for me constantly

Maybe that’s annoying

Maybe even rediculous…

I am rediculous

I am weird

I am a needy insecure person

That is who I am

And I am not changing anytime soon.

Why should I?

It’s not like changing for people has helped this far…

It’s not like puting myself last in situations helped much.

When can I have fun??

I want to live and be able to go out with friends,

Party, eat, be merry and play..
Not in a bad way,

I never said I would whore around,

I wouldn’t even venture to drink, smoke or do drugs…

I just want innocent fun.

Innocent trips to the beach, park, skating, bowling, shopping, eating, you know…

Escapades 

People my age make.

I can cry but no one heard or sees me,

So what’s the point anymore.

I am tired of wasting my emotions.

I feel I am reaching an emotionless state.

Is that bad?

Well, if it is, so sad.

Missing Us

All I want right now is to lay my head on your chest, 

I am tired, lonely, I need to rest

But I can’t get the thought of how much I miss you out of my mind.

I feel we never spend any quality time…

Life has been pushing us around. Schedules have been controlling our life.

Family devotion I been working towards, but it seems one on one for more than 5 minutes is never an option.

I want to cry, but I am going to be strong…

Maybe my hormones are unbalanced, maybe there’s nothing wrong…

But I just miss you! I miss the times we used to have walking down the road. Hand in hand. 

Sitting on the grass watching the water.

You taking pictures of me, even tho I didn’t really like it… 

I miss it.

I want to go back to it.

The newness I guess has worn off, and I am left missing you…

Missing us. 

Prayer of Forgiveness

image

Sometimes

God allows loneliness in our lives

For us to see He has been there the whole time

He never left us

He never forgot us

But we did Him

We left Him

We forgot Him

We ignored Him

And when we lose what we left Him for

We see what terrible wretches we were

We ask for forgiveness and hope to get a peace

And when it doesn’t happen we are ready to give up

But that’s the last thing we should do

Because the loneliness we feel

Is only a small percent of what Jesus went through

For God turned his back on Him

Because he held our sin

So why do we expect God to look upon us when we left Him for sinful men?

But God’s grace allows us this prayer of forgiveness

This attempt

To repent

To turn back to Him

But we never make it permanent

Breathe Again

image

Water gulped through her lungs
She comes up spewing
Coughing

Eyes bloodshot and burning
The breath of air would be like a glimpse of heaven
Paralysis from the whirlpool of sin
Controlled by the currents that kept her in

She swam with her uttermost strength
But nothing happened
Just loss of energy

The humiliation of her own weakness
Seemed to drown her continually
The air she grasped for
Too far from her reach

The crowds laughter
Like the jaws of sharks teeth
Chewing her up
Eating her soul
Ripping her heart apart

Tears hidden
By the water she’s trapped in

She just wants to breathe again.
One breath.
For one second.
Then back in to the torment of life.
Life had become an overwhelming whirlpool.
Holding her
Keeping her from leaving it
No freedom
No happiness
Just incarceration
Just depression

The chasm that separates
The sea from the sky
Can only be crossed with someone on the other side
Not by one’s power alone

Who will pull her through?
Who will reach down to drag her up?
She is drowning
Who will dive in to save her?
Who will catch her and
Be her hero,
Be her rescuer,
Be her safety,
The love of her life,
Her security,
Her husband,
Her friend;
Until the end?

Who will let her breathe again?

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