My Heart Speaks

Show me your face

I want to see you

I want to see your glory

I want to see your power

This very hour

So do it in me

My heart speaks out right now oh God

I need more than just comfort

I need love

I need affection

I need mercy

Forgiveness and hurt my heart speaks

My heart speaks out right now oh God

I life my voice up and i sing to you in vain

My worship is not enough

My heart speaks to You

I long for Your free acceptance

Your genuine love that far that exceeds man’s character

My heart speaks Lord

I give up

I want to die forever

To this world. To myself. I want to die to everything for You.

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Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Only

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Territory

Hello sunshine 🙂

Can I call you that, love?

When the rain of every day irritations

Cause a drought in my appreciation

of life

I know

I can count on you

to be my sunlight.

You’ll pull me through.

You make me a better person.

You light up the darkness around me;

Help me clean up the dirtiness inside me.

Babe.

You are my sunshine.

I carry you with me everywhere i go.

In my heart,

If you must know,

You stay;

Never to stray.

You take my breath away.

You stole my heart,

But thats fine.

You can keep it,

I trust you with it ;

To treasure it and to treat it,

With care

And protection,

With love

And devotion.

And sunshine

As you do with mine

I will with yours,

Lord willing.

I will hold your heart close.

I will love it daily, and more that most.

I will treasure it… well

I already do.

I will protect it from harm too.

And sunshine,

If ever a time it gets hurt

It will be because of someone else’s dirt,

But they will have had to gone through me first.

I will fight with all my might

To protect what is mine and what i cherish

For baby

I claim you

You are mine.

I hope you dont mind

That statement sounds controlling…

But i rather think of it as territorial

Im like a wolf in sheeps clothing

I am territorial

And anything or anyone that comes close to you

Let it be known

I wil raise my guard

And fight to defend your heart

This sheep is delicate

But this sheep can be a rabid wolf

Dont be afraid…

Im not too crazy

I just know to find a treasure like you is nothing to take lightly

So i am careful not to lose you

Jealousy?

Not really.

Being jealous is when you want something that is someone else’s.

You shouldn’t be jealous.

Because i am not anyone else’s.

Only yours.

Forever.

So territorial…? let it be so.

You are my territory.

And i yours.

For You I Will

For you, i will give up anything.

For you, i will follow your dreams.

For you i will give up mine, and i will make yours mine.

Would that make you smile?

i love your smile, your laugh and your eyes.

the way you look at me tells me your thoughts.

sad? happy? lost? angry? confused? amused? proud?

hmm.. those expressions either make me or break me.

oh yeah, and bring on the football baby.

let me learn, for you i will, to make you happy 🙂

i want to be your best friend, who is by your side through anything.

regardless if something isn’t my forte, i will make it mine,

for you i will.

for you i will give up my biggest desire.

i will swallow the pills through tears and sadness.

your happiness and satisfactions is all i need to get through life and its struggles.

you make me feel my best, you make me feel my worst,

and even when i am hurt so much, i cant bear being away from you!

so how does it feel, love?

to know that you got me wrapped around your finger so tightly.

you know that you practically own me… for you have my heart.

for you i will.

so this Sunday you had plans? well now they are mine too!

lets do this baby

for you i will 🙂

new_england-28681481-3ad8-354d-9b09-73301fdcd481

lets go Patriots! 😉

Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Fun

When can I have fun?

When will it be I am the one who goes out with friends??

I’m lonely and not even looking for a friend.

What is the point?

Just so they can hurt me against and again?

Just so I can think we will be best of friends and it will never end?

What a lie.

Why would I lie to myself, that will never​ happen.

No one thinks I meet their standards.

I’m not cool enough.

But it’s whatever,

Let me drown in a sea of hopelessness

Let me suffocate in a lonely estate.

I have a mate and a companion,

But it doesn’t even matter.

If it did, I wouldn’t feel this way.

I want to feel

To FEEL important

Not just be told, but to believe.

I want someone to express their love for me constantly

Maybe that’s annoying

Maybe even rediculous…

I am rediculous

I am weird

I am a needy insecure person

That is who I am

And I am not changing anytime soon.

Why should I?

It’s not like changing for people has helped this far…

It’s not like puting myself last in situations helped much.

When can I have fun??

I want to live and be able to go out with friends,

Party, eat, be merry and play..
Not in a bad way,

I never said I would whore around,

I wouldn’t even venture to drink, smoke or do drugs…

I just want innocent fun.

Innocent trips to the beach, park, skating, bowling, shopping, eating, you know…

Escapades 

People my age make.

I can cry but no one heard or sees me,

So what’s the point anymore.

I am tired of wasting my emotions.

I feel I am reaching an emotionless state.

Is that bad?

Well, if it is, so sad.

Never Forget

Never forget where you come from

Never forget where you are going

As soon as time comes, it goes

So never waste a moment.
Spend time caring,

Spend time loving,

Spend time playing,

Spend time resting,

Spend time alone,

Spend time working,

Spend time with close ones

Spend time learning,

But never forget to spend time with God above

The one who supplied you everything.
Bad moments come,

Good moments go,

We oft’ forget the special things

For time is never slow.

Please hold on to the future,

Let go of the past,

Never forget it tho, 

For that is how we last.

Stay positive and always upbeat

Don’t depress and stay down

Losers stay down and winners stay up

Leah, you’ll win the crown.

Be an inspiration,

You already are to some,

Don’t lose that respect from others

It is easy to lose and hard the gain back.

Never waste precious time,

Time is of the essence…