Tag Archives: friends

Grey Space

Think deep

 

Long and hard

 

Imagine.

That you are in a grey space, nothing but time can fill

And even time, can not even fill this space.

It is never ending.

 

This space is your mind.

 

Now take this space and fill it.

With actions every day.

But not just any daily occurrence, but only the hurt and pain you been through.

 

Fill this space, your mind, this time with only the most hurtful moments in your life.

 

Anytime you were bullied, verbally or physically,

Anytime you were backstabbed.

Lied to.

Fired from a job.

Homeless… anything in your life that you wish never happened,

You wish you could redo it over.

Anything that breaks your heart to the point of the most deepest sorrow…

 

Now imagine, a small square about the size of a penny in this space.

This very large never ending space of pure hell…

 

That penny size square is all the happiness you can think of in your life.

Now, you know that penny is much bigger, but in your mind, in this space you are trapped in it appears so small..

 

Welcome to my mind.

 

The place that i cannot think of anything happy,

The space that i cannot think of anything to be thankful for because i cannot see past the negativity in my life.

 

I cannot see past the bad spots,

The jealousy,

The hurt,

The change of everything in life.

 

I dont even recognize myself anymore,

I dont know what to do with myself.

 

With no desire to live but no motivation to end life, i live in this space, and waste time.

Just waiting for the day that it all ends….

 

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Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Enough, one day…

One day I will be enough.

Enough for you.

Enough for me.

And maybe enough for God.

Until then I fall short every day and I fail.

I don’t think you realize how much I wish to meet your needs, standards, expectations, and I don’t.

I am told I need to grow.

I am told not to do this.

I am told to stop worrying.

I am told to calm down…

Why is it I am changing everything, or told to change everything about myself​.

I feel like I am being shaped, molded, sculped, but I want to be myself.

I have not even found my true self yet and I am Fighting to protect myself.

Inside and out I am Fighting.

Warfare at every turn.

I can’t defeat this on my own, and support is hard to come by but for only a moment.

Patience is great, but not enough.

I need space. Time. And patience.

Your words hurt me, and I don’t think you realize.

But that is you. 

And you tell me that I am too sensitive.

But you aren’t enough.

You aren’t sensitive enough.

If you could for only a moment dive into my brain and my constant thoughts, you would go crazy.

Maybe I am crazy. I don’t know, I just wish things would let up and life was a little bit easier for only a moment. 😦

Alone

I always am alone

No one to talk to

But what’s weird is when I get around people, I want to go home and be alone…

So why do I feel so lonely?

Company doesn’t appeal to me.

People betray,

People hate,

People lie, and back stab…

I can’t trust anyone,

And every time​I do I get hurt.

Maybe that is why I don’t want company.

Maybe that is why I don’t want Friends..

But at the same time I do, I want Friends.

So which is it?

I don’t even know.

Do I want friends? And risk getting hurt over and over again like always…

Or do I want to be alone, like I always feel. Always have felt. And come to think of it, when I have friends, it lasts for such a short time, that I still feel lonely. Probably because I know that they aren’t there for me. 

Probably because I know that in only a matter of time they will drop me.

Forgive me for this self pity,

But I am saddened by the fact I can’t keep anybody…

And I don’t want to. I am afraid to. 

I am deathly afraid of being alone, but

I am Also terrified of being with others.

I feel perplexed, and I am lost for words of how to explain it other than I am lonely.

Fun

When can I have fun?

When will it be I am the one who goes out with friends??

I’m lonely and not even looking for a friend.

What is the point?

Just so they can hurt me against and again?

Just so I can think we will be best of friends and it will never end?

What a lie.

Why would I lie to myself, that will never​ happen.

No one thinks I meet their standards.

I’m not cool enough.

But it’s whatever,

Let me drown in a sea of hopelessness

Let me suffocate in a lonely estate.

I have a mate and a companion,

But it doesn’t even matter.

If it did, I wouldn’t feel this way.

I want to feel

To FEEL important

Not just be told, but to believe.

I want someone to express their love for me constantly

Maybe that’s annoying

Maybe even rediculous…

I am rediculous

I am weird

I am a needy insecure person

That is who I am

And I am not changing anytime soon.

Why should I?

It’s not like changing for people has helped this far…

It’s not like puting myself last in situations helped much.

When can I have fun??

I want to live and be able to go out with friends,

Party, eat, be merry and play..
Not in a bad way,

I never said I would whore around,

I wouldn’t even venture to drink, smoke or do drugs…

I just want innocent fun.

Innocent trips to the beach, park, skating, bowling, shopping, eating, you know…

Escapades 

People my age make.

I can cry but no one heard or sees me,

So what’s the point anymore.

I am tired of wasting my emotions.

I feel I am reaching an emotionless state.

Is that bad?

Well, if it is, so sad.

The Fire

sticks and limbs gathered together

placed out of the place

but then formed the fire

sparks

started

false fires

lies blow the flames,

the fire grew

burning the surrounding grounds

dirt thrown in layers to extinguish before disaster

the smoldering ashes remained, BUT STILL

heat

stoking it more

ever more will it grow

the fire rekindles

rekindling the fire that should’ve never remained

but too short a time it ceases yet again

never to be sparked again!

buried,

beneath,

the fire is dead