Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

Advertisements

Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Only

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Love Is Never Enough

We spend our time working hard just to catch another dollar

We push loved ones to the side just for our names to get larger

Gotta push another person farther

Gotta make a safe distance

Gotta make sure they dont know me Isolation is never enough,

Solitary it really dont get us enough

Time alone; is a cherished time

Because there is no one to look you in the eyes

Or see the many times you cry

No one will ever know you lied

Remember that one time you said you were just fine

But really inside, you were dying to not cry

Trying to force them tears back and lie

Care so much of them and what they think you wear a disguise

Cake it on like makeup and change your looks, you die inside your demise

Make sure no one will ever read your hook

And truly find the meaning of why you say that  its never enough

People in this world become so cold and

nothing can warm them up

Only the feeling of being loved

and cherished

But once that feeling fades,

back to the cold familiar place

I spent all this time tryna be a people pleaser

but it aint do nothing for me but made me

lose some of me

I always cared to much of what others say

Too much of what others think

And i needed long ago to learn my do’s and donts

I needed to find in myself what others wont

And i wish i didnt fall so hard to all these fakes who dont

Care about what i deserve and about my wellbeing

i will sacrifice and be giving so much

Circumstances in every hurt doesnt really matter

Because whats past is past and its never enough

It will never be enough

For you to try and please everyone

all the love, doesnt really last and it aint enough

It aint enough

You can love so hard it cant be mistaken

And it aint enough

You can try to trust all you want

It wont be enough

But in the back your head it will be thoughts you dont want

Because trust isnt real in the world anymore

Stay poppin them pills and rollin it up

Hoping to numb the pain, aint never sobbered up enough

Its not enough

Why stay in this world when the pain is so mucht to bare

Why stay alive for someone you love, when they are hurting with you

Just as much

That cant be reason enough

What is Love?

We all want to know what love is. what it feels like, what it looks like, what it smells like, and even what it sounds like.

All our senses kick in when we think about love.

what is love?

is love honesty?

Someone hurting you by letting you know you are a bitch and you need help. that you are bipolar and need medication. or maybe that you are depressed with anxiety and need a Xanex. maybe you are too sensitive and need to toughen up. you need to grow up, act your age… you know, those talks to better you…

those talks people give to someone who is always in trouble. always insecure and crying, so they find it necessary to tell us what we need to do and how we need to do it. helpful talks, yes, but is it really what we need in those dark times? is that love?

is love positivity?

is love ignoring the pain someone is going through and being rediculously positive. always laughing and smiling. the opposite of honesty. lying and saying it is all ok and you are fine… you dont need help, you just need to get out and get your mind off things. yeah, that does help! but only about 30 minutes, because the whole time you are out to forget things and relax you are exhausting your mind to forget and relax! the whole reason you get out is to relax, forget, and enjoy life and you do the opposite because you try so hard to accomplish those things. everything you do is harder than it should be. only because you make it hard. not intentionally! but you cant help it… you overthink everything and the harder you try not too, the more you overthink! so the anxiety kicks in, even when you are out for a coffee with a friend.

is love a person?

we hear that God is love, but what is love you cant feel? what if you tried your whole life to feel God but you never have. you never heard Him, you never seen Him… you know he is there because that is all you have ever known but you cant help but doubt because you never had that one on one “thing”. God is supposed to be personal, but i never had that personal connection, so i am left believing love could be a person. is it your mother? father? brother, sister, friend, lover, husband, wife? tell me…

is it that person you want to much to please. you want them to be happy with you. smile at you constantly and tell you how they appreciate you so much. that even tho you are nothing and dont meet any standards, you are perfect in their eyes. you have the perfect everything for THEM. you want to meet their needs and standards, and you try so hard to make them see you but they dont. yeah, they see you… but not your emotions. not your heart. not your desires. and most of the time when you show all these things, they are still blind to see everything there is about you. so you are left feeling alone.

I want to have love inside me. but i find myself wanting to give up constantly. i have always had love around me, but i have such a hard time actually accepting it and believing it is real! i may sound crazy, and i dont expect anyone to understand, because, lets face it, no one wants to understand anything that is difficult to understand. why try to understand anything if it doesnt make sense.

it truly is a miserable world when you think no one understands you. and whether they try or not, they just dont. they dont get it. you want to make everyone happy with you. when someone isnt happy with you it hurts you so deep. if someone talks about you badly, it hurts you so deep! if you ever let someone down, you hurt. when you make a mistake, you are scared to face it. you want perfection. they say all you see is this fairytale life, and that nothing is perfect… but all you ever known is perfect. you grew up not knowing how the world really is, and now that you see it unraveling every day before your eyes, you panic and wonder how did it come to this!? where is the love?? what is love?

 

Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Wish

My one wish is affection
i want love in a way i never had before

not just physical,

but the knowledge it will last forever, not just a season

i wish peace of mind would stay instead of coming in spurts

i want to be joy filled

forever, not a moment of happiness

i want freedom

the happiest i am is when the love of my life comes to me.

not i, him

when he takes me on an adventure

i want adventure!

i want space…

not held in the same place i been my whole life.

i wish for someone who will look to me, and ask for my love

instead of me always wanting it… i want to give it to someone who gives it back more than i

the look in my child’s eyes, when they look to me and i am their world.

and they are mine,

that. is my one wish.

someone who will take care of me and my feelings,

sweet innocence to find me the most beautiful even when there are others more beautiful than i,

someone who will look to me and ask for help and love, instead of me always asking

someone who want my attention, instead of me always wanting the attention

can i give it for once to one who wants it back??

thats my one wish.

Our Love (Part 2)

image

So you say you love me?
Wow…

I couldn’t have heard a more powerful sentence
That sentence can make a dead man smile
That sentence can make the sun reach Hell’s darkest corner
That sentence can move mountains
And that sentence can soften the hearts of those that have been hardened
But
That sentence can also ruin lives
That sentence can cause a rainy day
That sentence can cause two people their worst nightmare
Romeo and Juliet for instance
Love was a tragedy for them, for they could never be…
Love.
That word.
So powerful,
Changing lives everyday.
For the better?
Most of the time, yes
But sometimes
That is not the case.

Part 1 The Haunting Of Longwood (Short Story)

THE HAUNTING OF LONGWOOD

Odile Censura always wanted a baby girl. She remembered growing up with her best friend Eve and they would talk for hours about having children in the future. She also remembered that she was always welcomed at Eve’s house. Good thing. Because sometimes her father Charlie was often in a drunk stupor. Charlie was a marine at one time, and was an amazing person, until her mother Mildred left him. He wasn’t a bad looking guy. He loved Mildred and did everything for her. Yeah, so he lost his left leg in war, so what, that couldn’t possibly be the reason she left without as much as a goodbye. He was always wondering what he did wrong, which was the cause of his chronic anxiety. But no matter, he would fix his depression through drinking and sleeping pills. Until he died. Poor Odile… No family. Although her father was always drunk and lost in space, she still loved him. And hated her mother for not even showing at his funeral. It’s kind of good that she didn’t, Odile might have had to just slit her throat for leaving her and her father. But it all went away when she was with Eve. It was a perfect friendship, and they argued very seldom. Odile remembered when she and Eve went to college and pursued their dream of sharing a dorm together! Odile loved Eve, and Eve loved her… ’til she gave her love to someone else. Drew Parke was his name. Perfect body, and very handsome. They were the perfect couple, both were very attractive. She always envied Eve’s natural beauty. She was a beautiful flawless ivory-skinned girl with sapphire eyes and long, wavy, dark brown hair. Eve was also tall and slender, but yet curvy. She never did let her model type body and good looks go to her head though. Odile was a mutt compared to Eve. She had the acne, the pale ugly skin, and the ugliest chartreuse eyes, and the wiry, kinky, red hair. Why couldn’t she be beautiful? All of her life she had felt unloved and insecure with herself. Her mother didn’t want her and apparently neither did any of the guys at the university. Nobody wanted her. Eve did! She thought. That’s right, Eve DID… Before she met him. And she hated him for that. All she ever wanted in life was love, to be loved, to have love. Oh she loved some, but they never loved her. Otherwise they wouldn’t have left her… But that will all change soon enough, she thought to herself as she sipped her daily morning coffee, thinking about her plans later that day…