What is Love?

We all want to know what love is. what it feels like, what it looks like, what it smells like, and even what it sounds like.

All our senses kick in when we think about love.

what is love?

is love honesty?

Someone hurting you by letting you know you are a bitch and you need help. that you are bipolar and need medication. or maybe that you are depressed with anxiety and need a Xanex. maybe you are too sensitive and need to toughen up. you need to grow up, act your age… you know, those talks to better you…

those talks people give to someone who is always in trouble. always insecure and crying, so they find it necessary to tell us what we need to do and how we need to do it. helpful talks, yes, but is it really what we need in those dark times? is that love?

is love positivity?

is love ignoring the pain someone is going through and being rediculously positive. always laughing and smiling. the opposite of honesty. lying and saying it is all ok and you are fine… you dont need help, you just need to get out and get your mind off things. yeah, that does help! but only about 30 minutes, because the whole time you are out to forget things and relax you are exhausting your mind to forget and relax! the whole reason you get out is to relax, forget, and enjoy life and you do the opposite because you try so hard to accomplish those things. everything you do is harder than it should be. only because you make it hard. not intentionally! but you cant help it… you overthink everything and the harder you try not too, the more you overthink! so the anxiety kicks in, even when you are out for a coffee with a friend.

is love a person?

we hear that God is love, but what is love you cant feel? what if you tried your whole life to feel God but you never have. you never heard Him, you never seen Him… you know he is there because that is all you have ever known but you cant help but doubt because you never had that one on one “thing”. God is supposed to be personal, but i never had that personal connection, so i am left believing love could be a person. is it your mother? father? brother, sister, friend, lover, husband, wife? tell me…

is it that person you want to much to please. you want them to be happy with you. smile at you constantly and tell you how they appreciate you so much. that even tho you are nothing and dont meet any standards, you are perfect in their eyes. you have the perfect everything for THEM. you want to meet their needs and standards, and you try so hard to make them see you but they dont. yeah, they see you… but not your emotions. not your heart. not your desires. and most of the time when you show all these things, they are still blind to see everything there is about you. so you are left feeling alone.

I want to have love inside me. but i find myself wanting to give up constantly. i have always had love around me, but i have such a hard time actually accepting it and believing it is real! i may sound crazy, and i dont expect anyone to understand, because, lets face it, no one wants to understand anything that is difficult to understand. why try to understand anything if it doesnt make sense.

it truly is a miserable world when you think no one understands you. and whether they try or not, they just dont. they dont get it. you want to make everyone happy with you. when someone isnt happy with you it hurts you so deep. if someone talks about you badly, it hurts you so deep! if you ever let someone down, you hurt. when you make a mistake, you are scared to face it. you want perfection. they say all you see is this fairytale life, and that nothing is perfect… but all you ever known is perfect. you grew up not knowing how the world really is, and now that you see it unraveling every day before your eyes, you panic and wonder how did it come to this!? where is the love?? what is love?

 

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Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Wish

My one wish is affection
i want love in a way i never had before

not just physical,

but the knowledge it will last forever, not just a season

i wish peace of mind would stay instead of coming in spurts

i want to be joy filled

forever, not a moment of happiness

i want freedom

the happiest i am is when the love of my life comes to me.

not i, him

when he takes me on an adventure

i want adventure!

i want space…

not held in the same place i been my whole life.

i wish for someone who will look to me, and ask for my love

instead of me always wanting it… i want to give it to someone who gives it back more than i

the look in my child’s eyes, when they look to me and i am their world.

and they are mine,

that. is my one wish.

someone who will take care of me and my feelings,

sweet innocence to find me the most beautiful even when there are others more beautiful than i,

someone who will look to me and ask for help and love, instead of me always asking

someone who want my attention, instead of me always wanting the attention

can i give it for once to one who wants it back??

thats my one wish.

Our Love (Part 2)

image

So you say you love me?
Wow…

I couldn’t have heard a more powerful sentence
That sentence can make a dead man smile
That sentence can make the sun reach Hell’s darkest corner
That sentence can move mountains
And that sentence can soften the hearts of those that have been hardened
But
That sentence can also ruin lives
That sentence can cause a rainy day
That sentence can cause two people their worst nightmare
Romeo and Juliet for instance
Love was a tragedy for them, for they could never be…
Love.
That word.
So powerful,
Changing lives everyday.
For the better?
Most of the time, yes
But sometimes
That is not the case.

Part 1 The Haunting Of Longwood (Short Story)

THE HAUNTING OF LONGWOOD

Odile Censura always wanted a baby girl. She remembered growing up with her best friend Eve and they would talk for hours about having children in the future. She also remembered that she was always welcomed at Eve’s house. Good thing. Because sometimes her father Charlie was often in a drunk stupor. Charlie was a marine at one time, and was an amazing person, until her mother Mildred left him. He wasn’t a bad looking guy. He loved Mildred and did everything for her. Yeah, so he lost his left leg in war, so what, that couldn’t possibly be the reason she left without as much as a goodbye. He was always wondering what he did wrong, which was the cause of his chronic anxiety. But no matter, he would fix his depression through drinking and sleeping pills. Until he died. Poor Odile… No family. Although her father was always drunk and lost in space, she still loved him. And hated her mother for not even showing at his funeral. It’s kind of good that she didn’t, Odile might have had to just slit her throat for leaving her and her father. But it all went away when she was with Eve. It was a perfect friendship, and they argued very seldom. Odile remembered when she and Eve went to college and pursued their dream of sharing a dorm together! Odile loved Eve, and Eve loved her… ’til she gave her love to someone else. Drew Parke was his name. Perfect body, and very handsome. They were the perfect couple, both were very attractive. She always envied Eve’s natural beauty. She was a beautiful flawless ivory-skinned girl with sapphire eyes and long, wavy, dark brown hair. Eve was also tall and slender, but yet curvy. She never did let her model type body and good looks go to her head though. Odile was a mutt compared to Eve. She had the acne, the pale ugly skin, and the ugliest chartreuse eyes, and the wiry, kinky, red hair. Why couldn’t she be beautiful? All of her life she had felt unloved and insecure with herself. Her mother didn’t want her and apparently neither did any of the guys at the university. Nobody wanted her. Eve did! She thought. That’s right, Eve DID… Before she met him. And she hated him for that. All she ever wanted in life was love, to be loved, to have love. Oh she loved some, but they never loved her. Otherwise they wouldn’t have left her… But that will all change soon enough, she thought to herself as she sipped her daily morning coffee, thinking about her plans later that day…

Stand

The wind:
A friend but also an enemy;
A natural disaster in the making;
In the end brings out the best of things.
Refreshing to see,
And marvelous to feel.
Heat from the rays, a temporary heal.

The beautiful sight
Of branches swaying
In the sky,
As if saying:
“Blow wind! Blow! Shape me, break me!
“Make me something better! Mold me! Make me!”
Pain at first, and ugly ness and shame,
But in the end pride from scars and victory remain.

Overcoming the wind
That blew from all sides,
Fought against me to make me fall,
But my roots are stronger, stronger than all!
All the temptations to give up
And lack of the desire to stay up.

My roots never gave up on me,
Despite the pain and sorrow from my suffering.
The wind may blow my branches
And the wind may blow my stem,
But the roots is have that grip the earth
Are what make me continue to stand.

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