Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Territory

Hello sunshine 🙂

Can I call you that, love?

When the rain of every day irritations

Cause a drought in my appreciation

of life

I know

I can count on you

to be my sunlight.

You’ll pull me through.

You make me a better person.

You light up the darkness around me;

Help me clean up the dirtiness inside me.

Babe.

You are my sunshine.

I carry you with me everywhere i go.

In my heart,

If you must know,

You stay;

Never to stray.

You take my breath away.

You stole my heart,

But thats fine.

You can keep it,

I trust you with it ;

To treasure it and to treat it,

With care

And protection,

With love

And devotion.

And sunshine

As you do with mine

I will with yours,

Lord willing.

I will hold your heart close.

I will love it daily, and more that most.

I will treasure it… well

I already do.

I will protect it from harm too.

And sunshine,

If ever a time it gets hurt

It will be because of someone else’s dirt,

But they will have had to gone through me first.

I will fight with all my might

To protect what is mine and what i cherish

For baby

I claim you

You are mine.

I hope you dont mind

That statement sounds controlling…

But i rather think of it as territorial

Im like a wolf in sheeps clothing

I am territorial

And anything or anyone that comes close to you

Let it be known

I wil raise my guard

And fight to defend your heart

This sheep is delicate

But this sheep can be a rabid wolf

Dont be afraid…

Im not too crazy

I just know to find a treasure like you is nothing to take lightly

So i am careful not to lose you

Jealousy?

Not really.

Being jealous is when you want something that is someone else’s.

You shouldn’t be jealous.

Because i am not anyone else’s.

Only yours.

Forever.

So territorial…? let it be so.

You are my territory.

And i yours.

I remember

I remember the feelings i first got,

the first few nights we would talk to each other,

i remember thinking, is this turning into something deep?

a deeper love than i want to tread?

i remember the butterflies that began, the gut wrenching feeling that i couldnt contain.

i remember the pounding of my heart, that i could feel throughout my body as you would say you love me.

i remember it all,

like it was just last week.

the first time we kissed

it was magical.

i remember the first time we took it to the next level, and i didnt care.

i wasnt scared… because i knew you werent a theif in the night.

trying to steal my treasure then leave

i knew who i was surrendering my heart to.

i knew exactly why i did, because i wanted to be with you.

 

i remember it all.

the warmth of your humid breath on my nose.

with the 43 degree weather, it was cold.

i remember your leather jacket you let me wear, and i remember your cologne you wore,

oh, it smelled so good.

i remember when you picked me up and i felt like a princess,

i remember when i was holding your cold hand, and we were walking.

i remember loving every picture you hated most.

i remember wanting to talk to you more but you would have to go

i remember when i finally had enough and i weeped

i hadn’t seen you for weeks, so you came to see me.

the long distance thing… it was hard

here we are now, and we can say we passed a chasm.

the chasm that separated us from being with each other.

here we are now, and we can say love truly conquers all.

here we are now,and we can now say, im taken, im married.

here we are now, and nothing can stop us from fulfilling what road God has mapped out for us,

let us embark on this journey of marriage.

He Doesn’t Know

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And his words were as velvet
Filling my ears with an addictive vibration
My mind spins as I find myself in a state of being unaware
Blank
And under a spell
If those lips met mine I would melt
If those hands held mine
I would surely get weak
Because his everything is as electricity
He sends electric currents through the air with his voice
That leave me in shock
And I freeze
I burn
The tables are turned
I am no longer single
For my heart has been taken by him
But he doesn’t know…

Part 1 The Haunting Of Longwood (Short Story)

THE HAUNTING OF LONGWOOD

Odile Censura always wanted a baby girl. She remembered growing up with her best friend Eve and they would talk for hours about having children in the future. She also remembered that she was always welcomed at Eve’s house. Good thing. Because sometimes her father Charlie was often in a drunk stupor. Charlie was a marine at one time, and was an amazing person, until her mother Mildred left him. He wasn’t a bad looking guy. He loved Mildred and did everything for her. Yeah, so he lost his left leg in war, so what, that couldn’t possibly be the reason she left without as much as a goodbye. He was always wondering what he did wrong, which was the cause of his chronic anxiety. But no matter, he would fix his depression through drinking and sleeping pills. Until he died. Poor Odile… No family. Although her father was always drunk and lost in space, she still loved him. And hated her mother for not even showing at his funeral. It’s kind of good that she didn’t, Odile might have had to just slit her throat for leaving her and her father. But it all went away when she was with Eve. It was a perfect friendship, and they argued very seldom. Odile remembered when she and Eve went to college and pursued their dream of sharing a dorm together! Odile loved Eve, and Eve loved her… ’til she gave her love to someone else. Drew Parke was his name. Perfect body, and very handsome. They were the perfect couple, both were very attractive. She always envied Eve’s natural beauty. She was a beautiful flawless ivory-skinned girl with sapphire eyes and long, wavy, dark brown hair. Eve was also tall and slender, but yet curvy. She never did let her model type body and good looks go to her head though. Odile was a mutt compared to Eve. She had the acne, the pale ugly skin, and the ugliest chartreuse eyes, and the wiry, kinky, red hair. Why couldn’t she be beautiful? All of her life she had felt unloved and insecure with herself. Her mother didn’t want her and apparently neither did any of the guys at the university. Nobody wanted her. Eve did! She thought. That’s right, Eve DID… Before she met him. And she hated him for that. All she ever wanted in life was love, to be loved, to have love. Oh she loved some, but they never loved her. Otherwise they wouldn’t have left her… But that will all change soon enough, she thought to herself as she sipped her daily morning coffee, thinking about her plans later that day…

Butterflies

image

You give me butterflies that flutter in my stomach
The thought of being with you is all I could ask for

The way you gaze at me
I know you like what you see
But she’s got you wrapped up so tight you barely breathe
Much less be with me

We’ve known each other for quite some time
Matter of fact
Our entire lives
The flirting moments we had when we were young
Have faded away
But my memory of it isn’t gone

Oh how I wish to pour my heart out to you
I think you know how I feel
And I know your feeling too
These butterflies aren’t here for no reason
We’ve had them for years
And you are committing treason
Against yourself
You know you love me
I am constantly there penetrating your thinking

Maybe it’s all in my head
Maybe these butterflies are misleading…

Prince Charming

I hope you can’t see me
I am looking at you
Across this boring room
I hope I don’t appear
Like some whacked out girl who stares
But
My eyes are addicted
And I can’t peal them away
Don’t worry I will be okay
But, you see,
You are everything
I’ve ever dreamed
The real life version of Prince Charming
You’re exactly what I need
You would make me complete

Oh, I hope you can’t see me…