Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

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Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Only

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Love Is Never Enough

We spend our time working hard just to catch another dollar

We push loved ones to the side just for our names to get larger

Gotta push another person farther

Gotta make a safe distance

Gotta make sure they dont know me Isolation is never enough,

Solitary it really dont get us enough

Time alone; is a cherished time

Because there is no one to look you in the eyes

Or see the many times you cry

No one will ever know you lied

Remember that one time you said you were just fine

But really inside, you were dying to not cry

Trying to force them tears back and lie

Care so much of them and what they think you wear a disguise

Cake it on like makeup and change your looks, you die inside your demise

Make sure no one will ever read your hook

And truly find the meaning of why you say that  its never enough

People in this world become so cold and

nothing can warm them up

Only the feeling of being loved

and cherished

But once that feeling fades,

back to the cold familiar place

I spent all this time tryna be a people pleaser

but it aint do nothing for me but made me

lose some of me

I always cared to much of what others say

Too much of what others think

And i needed long ago to learn my do’s and donts

I needed to find in myself what others wont

And i wish i didnt fall so hard to all these fakes who dont

Care about what i deserve and about my wellbeing

i will sacrifice and be giving so much

Circumstances in every hurt doesnt really matter

Because whats past is past and its never enough

It will never be enough

For you to try and please everyone

all the love, doesnt really last and it aint enough

It aint enough

You can love so hard it cant be mistaken

And it aint enough

You can try to trust all you want

It wont be enough

But in the back your head it will be thoughts you dont want

Because trust isnt real in the world anymore

Stay poppin them pills and rollin it up

Hoping to numb the pain, aint never sobbered up enough

Its not enough

Why stay in this world when the pain is so mucht to bare

Why stay alive for someone you love, when they are hurting with you

Just as much

That cant be reason enough

Queen Bee

she sits on her throne

high and mighty

never over thrown

seemly mighty

 

lies and deception

thats her romance

her lover to be?

the next decision.

 

her organized payments

raising the charge

and requiring more

of the worker bees yards

 

she thirsts for more honey

the worker bees

breaking their backs

lending their wings

taking stings

they say “What does this bring?!”

desperation rings

causing ridiculous flings

the hive as a whole

continually down grading

but nature will forever sing

long may she live, the queen bee

Eraser

a blank page is set

then comes a sketch

one, line, then another

and mistakes shaded over

some mistakes cant be fixed, only erased

may the artist make the best of what they create

not all faults are to be embellished

stop creating

start erasing

for the blank page has its limits

one fatal mishap then shall the picture be forever scarred

lines

even the eraser fails to relinquish

could it be the eraser should meet its match?

could it be defeated by even the smallest scratch?

Addiction

How is it that it controls my being?
Why is it that I can’t survive a day without it?
Why is it so much a part of me?
Like it’s my heartbeat
A required part for my breathing
I dread the days it leaves me
Gasping for air
Heaving
It is my drug
If it dissipates
Withdrawals run through my veins
It’s in my blood
It is a part of my soul
It is me
It completes me and makes me whole
It soothes my anger
It calms me in disaster
It takes me away when I don’t want to live any longer
It pumps me up when times are rough and I need a boost
What would I do?
Without this addiction?
My mood may never be soothed,
Smoothed,
Renewed…
From the ruffles
And struggles
That form over time
That come into my life
When I am overcome with the nostalgia of the past
Things I don’t want to remember that can’t be taken back
Things that I wish never crossed my mind
And things that I know will fade over time
But I can’t help but relinquish the fact it can’t be taken back
And that regret and pain is where it’s at
That’s where the struggles are
It’s from those things that I have my scars
And even though I am bound by chains of penance
This thing
This addiction
Cures it
It makes me forget why I relent it
But it is a temporary heal
It only last for a few minutes
So the need for more and more of this drug
Has become more and more a necessity
I can’t stop now
It is a part of me
And I wish that others can see
That I am not crazy
And this thing isn’t a monste
It is something that I am attached to
Like a bear cub and its mother
When predators attack and that cub is hurt
That mother comes and violently kills all the perverts
That spit at the cub
And give their hate speech
Leaving that cub to fall on its back
Losing a grip of the earth under its feet
When will it end?
All the torment
When will I live again?
Without having to shoot this drug into my body
When will I breathe again?
Without a cord running into me
When will I begin to be happy? When?
When!?
Today?
No.
Today is gone and over with?
Tomorrow?
No. I am too addicted
Next week?
Next month?
Next year?
When?
Never…
Because that drug is what keeps me alive

Why I Write

So you wonder why I write?
Well I will tell you all about it tonight.
I will tell you
Why I have a blog for poetry
And why I write it on paper before typing
I will tell you why every poem I have I post
And alongside that I will explain what party I will host
You will hear that my favorite app is called WordPress
Easy and quick to upload my rhymes from my creativeness
You will learn why I play my guitar everyday
And why Call Of Duty is one of my favorite games to play
Why potatoes make me sick
And why I can easily get carsick
Potatoes and peas alone will make me want throw up
But mix them together and I’m guaranteed to upchuck.
Just some random stuff about me I will tell you tonight
And when I’m through speaking you will find out why I write.

Notebook & Phone

me and my best friend were talking the other night. i remember the question popped up “if your house caught on fire, what would you grab?”. she said her notebook and phone. i said the same thing. then we agreed on why we’d grab those first, because of our writings. our poems and ideas, journal entries, songs and short stories. i have a special notebook that i write all my drafts in. and my phone i use to publish and save them. with my jotterpad app, and my wordpress app, having my notebook and phone i will be set.

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