How Can It Be?

How can it be that i am still not on top

On top of life

On top of myself

 

How can it be that i am dead last

Everyone has passed

Lap after lap

 

How can it be i am never understood

Maybe because no one could possibly relate to my pain

 

My heartache is only my own,

Sometimes i wonder if ever God can understand…

 

So how can it be that i am so alone?

Despite the loneliness i know i have someone here.

 

I have my God, and my husband.

But why do i still feel this way?

 

How can it be that i feel like the only person in the world

Even tho there are millions of people here

Even tho i pass hundreds daily….

 

How can it be?

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I Found You

I will admit it

I was ready to give up

Settle for less

Just to be done

I was ready to live in an empty state

Ready to love someone I didn’t love for the rest of my life

Boy, what a mistake

 

I knew you the whole time

And I liked you in the back of my mind

from the start

But I refused to give up what I had my mind set on

I was determined to be done looking

I decided on the lesser to be done searching

 

I would twist things in my mind to make me like you less

And I would take rumors and nonsense spread

And use it to my advantage

Excuse to not like you

To not fall in love with you

 

I knew I had some feeling going on

I felt disloyal to the on I settled for

I felt like a cheater

So I distanced myself more

And I purposed to love the lesser

To forget the greater

 

 

You were the greater

You were the one I wanted from the start

But when you were taken I decided to just keep what I already knew I had

I shouldn’t have

I was just so sick of trying

Sick of aiming higher

When the arrow would just land low

 

I always heard to aim high so you don’t settle for less

But you just seemed too high

And like I said before

I gave up

I was defeated after my last breakup

I was too hurt to be broken again

 

But there I was again

Déjà vu

I reached a point where I didn’t know what to do

Other than give up completely

Drink my problems away

In apathy

I didn’t give a care anymore

I was hurt too much

I needed an escape

 

 

 

 

 

So I risked everything

And did I ever fail

I failed at my testimony

I lost it all

I lost you

And I left you

And now I am alone wishing I could just see you

Tell you in person how much I love you

Show you how much I care about you

 

But I can’t

I am enduring a trial of patience

It is so difficult to keep my head up

Hope is a hard thing for me to believe in

I have too many ups and downs

You told me to keep trying and to have faith

But I never told you these things

And I have a past in my heart

That is hard to depart

From

I would run

From God

From life

From reality

I refused to believe things that was as clear as water

So it all rushed through me

Hit every organ and left me bruised up

 

 

It was all my fault tho

I should’ve listened

I shouldn’t have settled

I shouldn’t have given up

And it this doesn’t work…

I don’t know what I will do.

But know that I love you

More than myself

I would give up anything

And I will do without

Forgive me if I doubt that you believe me when I say that

But I do

For you are my everything

And I only long for the day that I can put action to my words

And prove to you

How much I love you

Ever So Often

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

 

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

 

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

 

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

 

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

 

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

 

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Queen Bee

she sits on her throne

high and mighty

never over thrown

seemly mighty

 

lies and deception

thats her romance

her lover to be?

the next decision.

 

her organized payments

raising the charge

and requiring more

of the worker bees yards

 

she thirsts for more honey

the worker bees

breaking their backs

lending their wings

taking stings

they say “What does this bring?!”

desperation rings

causing ridiculous flings

the hive as a whole

continually down grading

but nature will forever sing

long may she live, the queen bee

Eraser

a blank page is set

then comes a sketch

one, line, then another

and mistakes shaded over

some mistakes cant be fixed, only erased

may the artist make the best of what they create

not all faults are to be embellished

stop creating

start erasing

for the blank page has its limits

one fatal mishap then shall the picture be forever scarred

lines

even the eraser fails to relinquish

could it be the eraser should meet its match?

could it be defeated by even the smallest scratch?

X Is My Name

Dreamer.
My name is dreamer because I dream;
Always trying to change things;
Having my mind set high on everything;
Thinking it will work,
But instead I’m forced to settle.

Worker.
Worker is my name
I hate playing the sitting game.
Always on the move
Getting things accomplished
However, unfortunately
People often take advantage.

Selfless.
My name is selfless.
I give until I have nothing.
A natural born giver.
Not the usual taker.
Others say that they
Would love to have this attribute,
But care too much about what they’d lose.

Original.
Original I am called.
People tend to avoid me,
Because in their mind I’m strange.
But really I am not,
I just do my own thing.
I don’t follow the trends.
I make my own choices.
What others say won’t have an effect on my way.

Honest.
I am honest and I am true.
To lie, is not what I do.
For a liar I cannot stand.
From hell their lying words came.
And to hell they will return.
I won’t give an ear to the nonsense
That pours out of them.
They will by me be spurned.

Loving.
I am a lover.
Not upfront tho
This characteristic is hidden like a treasure.
To see my loving side
Be loving to me
And there for me.
Be a true friend.
There til the end.

Understanding.
I am a very understanding person.
I feel what others feel.
Which is a good thing and a bad thing.
When someone hurts inside,
I feel their pain and with them I cry.
My compassion for those around me
Is so great sometimes I don’t count it a blessing.
I get stressed for others mental heartache
When it doesn’t involve me,
but I feel compelled to tell them
I understand
And I’m there for them.
That they won’t go through it alone,
Because I am a true friend.

Creative.
I am super creative
Give me a string and a rock and I’ll make a broomstick…
Ok that may be a stretch,
But believe me when I say
I can make stuff from what people call trash.

Sensitive.
I am a sensitive individual.
Things can break me down easily.
People can without trying truly hurt my feelings.
But maybe this is just one of my many short trees…