What is Love?

We all want to know what love is. what it feels like, what it looks like, what it smells like, and even what it sounds like.

All our senses kick in when we think about love.

what is love?

is love honesty?

Someone hurting you by letting you know you are a bitch and you need help. that you are bipolar and need medication. or maybe that you are depressed with anxiety and need a Xanex. maybe you are too sensitive and need to toughen up. you need to grow up, act your age… you know, those talks to better you…

those talks people give to someone who is always in trouble. always insecure and crying, so they find it necessary to tell us what we need to do and how we need to do it. helpful talks, yes, but is it really what we need in those dark times? is that love?

is love positivity?

is love ignoring the pain someone is going through and being rediculously positive. always laughing and smiling. the opposite of honesty. lying and saying it is all ok and you are fine… you dont need help, you just need to get out and get your mind off things. yeah, that does help! but only about 30 minutes, because the whole time you are out to forget things and relax you are exhausting your mind to forget and relax! the whole reason you get out is to relax, forget, and enjoy life and you do the opposite because you try so hard to accomplish those things. everything you do is harder than it should be. only because you make it hard. not intentionally! but you cant help it… you overthink everything and the harder you try not too, the more you overthink! so the anxiety kicks in, even when you are out for a coffee with a friend.

is love a person?

we hear that God is love, but what is love you cant feel? what if you tried your whole life to feel God but you never have. you never heard Him, you never seen Him… you know he is there because that is all you have ever known but you cant help but doubt because you never had that one on one “thing”. God is supposed to be personal, but i never had that personal connection, so i am left believing love could be a person. is it your mother? father? brother, sister, friend, lover, husband, wife? tell me…

is it that person you want to much to please. you want them to be happy with you. smile at you constantly and tell you how they appreciate you so much. that even tho you are nothing and dont meet any standards, you are perfect in their eyes. you have the perfect everything for THEM. you want to meet their needs and standards, and you try so hard to make them see you but they dont. yeah, they see you… but not your emotions. not your heart. not your desires. and most of the time when you show all these things, they are still blind to see everything there is about you. so you are left feeling alone.

I want to have love inside me. but i find myself wanting to give up constantly. i have always had love around me, but i have such a hard time actually accepting it and believing it is real! i may sound crazy, and i dont expect anyone to understand, because, lets face it, no one wants to understand anything that is difficult to understand. why try to understand anything if it doesnt make sense.

it truly is a miserable world when you think no one understands you. and whether they try or not, they just dont. they dont get it. you want to make everyone happy with you. when someone isnt happy with you it hurts you so deep. if someone talks about you badly, it hurts you so deep! if you ever let someone down, you hurt. when you make a mistake, you are scared to face it. you want perfection. they say all you see is this fairytale life, and that nothing is perfect… but all you ever known is perfect. you grew up not knowing how the world really is, and now that you see it unraveling every day before your eyes, you panic and wonder how did it come to this!? where is the love?? what is love?

 

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The Cure

alive and well is the beast in this land

this cursed land, in which we dwell.

ignorance is bliss, we say

but the knowledge of such danger is necessity.

 

preying and feasting

on all the living and breathing,

no matter what

we hold ourselves accountable.

 

when we face the beast and lose all our strength

“where is the hand?” we say,

when things don’t go our way.

when trials come,

desperation seeks

for the risen help our souls need.

but shall it grant the favor?

bestow grace on the ungrateful fakes?

God help us.

lord have mercy on us

for asking in time of need,

but giving a blind eye,

turning the cold shoulder

when life is just fine…

we all deserve the worst.

hell at its finest is all too good for me.

i deserve the bottom of the pit

even when it cant be reached.

i should go there.

dwell there.

 

i deserve the worst.

but then came the blood!

thicker than any other!

stronger than any antidote!

the Cure.

the thing that saves…

 

the desperate and wicked,

this cure is the salvation of the beast

and his venom.

the poison it injects in each and every victim…

but i wont be that victim any longer!

 

for the blood that was spilt offered me more than a death sentence!

but a life sentence!

to freedom in eternal love,

and hope,

peace and joy.

 

the one thing that the beast is vulnerable,

the Blood

the Cure.

Rose

the fertilization of the fullness thereof

the sun

its rays abundant

breaking the surface

building each vine, each and every vein

one day at a time

then comes the rain.

shall it wilt?

shall it grow?

will the rose hold up of fall?

the suns rays,

the surface in which the rose stays up

has it granted it enough?

doth the rose remain?

the endurance of the rose is only as strong as the foundation from whence it has grown.

The Sea

i awoke again

to the smell of salt and fresh air

the faint odor of sea weed

itching on the surface of the sand

ever so slightly the smell of fish

from the catch of the fishermen

each grain and particle of rock under my body

my sun-baked body

absorbing the rays of the sun

the sight of the billows that roll

from the oceans breeze

the off-white sea foam

expands…

back and forth

back and forth

the notion of the miniature waves…

never ending

coming and going

the rise and decline of the sea’s tide

climbing the beach until riding high

pushing children further in to land

sand buckets and sand castles covered

never to be seen again.

the sea

swallowing

consuming everything

i hear the call of the seagull

the patter of the crabs scatter

and of course the chatter

of the hotel guests,

the tourists

running through the walkways

down the wooden planks

skipping playfully, kicking sand behind them

blown up

from being tossed by their feet

they call one to another

lovers walk hand in hand

imprints left in the wet sand

fading with each wave

swimmers take further out

flowing parallel with the land

with the rip current

the ocassional spray of the salty water

burning the eyes

and the sun staying strong…

draining the energy of the many beach goers

drugging

but calming

my home, the beach

where i stay

daily,

morning, noon, and night…

 

Greater Reason

A fruit stays ripe only for a moment in time, 

Before it rots and turns to a darkened slime.

The rode stays bright and crisp for a while,

But soon fades away and falls to the ground, 

Petal by petal, til nothing stands.

We as humans are no more than fruit

Provide seeds, the rotting away.

Keeping the species replenished and active.

But inside we are dormant.

Dead and nothing but a shell.

Flesh with a soul, an empty soul only one thing can fill..

We can’t buy this thing. 

Only believe it to be true,

And one day when our bodies rot and fade away,

As we will we see the light at the end

We know then,

It’s true…

This repetitive life we live as a rose,

Is possible because of a Greater reason.

The Common Bad

​How is it the thorns of the vine 

Are greater than the fruit

Far more important than the seeds of life

Far more abundant than riches of heavenly things.
I am choked and dry heaving 

On temporary things relieving

A craving

Please uphold Your spirit within me to surpass the common good!
The common good has become all too common

The common good has become all too bad.

The common good is nothing but bad.

Anything but good.

Lusts… the common bad.

Common man, sinful and deceitful.

And the cares of this world, the desires

They deceive even the greatest of deceivers.

We are receivers of our own deceit.
The common bad.

Liars to ourselves.

Thinking the common good is what we want,

We have misunderstood,

Snakes have lured us in.

Water moccasins

Cotton mouths

Sneaky Liars

We.
Lord restore within me anything but the common good. 

Anything but the common bad.

I don’t want anything common…

Give me a peculiar name.

The abnormal anomaly

Let me be an anomaly.

Alien to the common.

Because the common is the majority

And the majority follows.
Help me, Lord, see that being abnormal is normal in Your eyes.

And Your eyes are the only eyes i need to care about to be satisfied.

To be happy.

To be Yours.

Changed

“I am what i am because of the One who changed me.

I am what i am because i wanted to be freed.

I am what i am, because my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, died to save me.

I have only him to thank for forgiving me and fighting for me.

And now i have a journey ahead of me.

I have a long road to better myself, for Him and also for me.

To show others what Christ can do in their lives…

So that one day 

They can say,

I am what i am, because of the One who changed me…”

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