Cards

You know something,

You can’t make people happy. No matter how much you may try, you will disappoint, anger, sadden,  and hurt people in life. The cards you play are not always right. More than not they are wrong. More than not they mess up your next move. More than not it makes moves harder for others. More than not others react and mess up your thought process to make a better move. To play with a good strategy and be tormented with an endless 

supply of bad thoughts is terrifying. It is stressful. 

I am at a loss for words as to why i am where i am in life. It really doesn’t matter what i do, i sew discord. It doesn’t matter what i say i offend. It doesn’t matter my what my opinion, stance, or conscience says it is wrong to others. I can never just do what i please without worrying about what another may say. I may never have the freedom and confidence to make a decision on my own without the opinion or ruling of another.

Opinions matter. I take tips in my play in this game called life. We all gamble. We all win, we all lose. We sometimes draw.

We make friends, we lose them. We gain trust and lose it. Love comes and goes. It flees in the time of pressure or loss.

It doesn’t matter the placement in a family. You are the bottom when it comes to an opinion. You are wrong, you are right. We always have to have the last word.

When will it end? Fighting all the time. Drama feeds on our words. Words dig into the flesh and soul of another and hurt them. Causing grudges you may never return from.

I will never have the last word. I will never have the first. I state my peace and cry as it never goes my way. Others get in and mix up emotions. My emotions are dry. I have nothing left to say. I am done. I tried. I wanted more, but i now see i will never get more. I give up. I surrender. I have forever lost this fight. So leave me alone. I am happy with the cards i have, but my opponent fails to acknowledge. I feel like i must decide which to play next. I feel pressured into playing a certain way, but my heart and gut tells me not to! Can i please play in peace?!! Can i play on my own. With your encouragement and happiness for me. I am in a rut, but success is on the way and you must stress my hands more. I cry. I wept. Shared words that i never should have, but now it is too late. I say too much.

You know too much. I can never trust anyone with the truth of what i possess in my mind because they will use it against me. Learning my moves then saying how it will and won’t work. Let me find out. I want to deal my own hand! I want to take control of my turn. My play. My cards. My life!

I don’t want my opponents to leave. I love them. But they are making it hard for me to involve them in my game. They make it hard for me to share with them my thoughts on my hand, for if i do somehow i end up giving up cards that i wished to keep. It’s pointless to talk, to explain. That is when people hurt people. That is when the dagger leaves the sleeve and one cuts another. Don’t speak. Let the anger escape. Vent it out. And be quiet. Let us play a quiet game.

Advertisements

Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Anomaly

whats tradition?

glorified repetition?

i want a new way of life

something that i can be proud of

more than holding a heritage

more like past generation wishes

past generation dirty dishes

hold me back and i am likely to become vicious

im sick of this

rabid

i attack

back track

im a train derailed

unstoppable

i hold a truth that shall prevail

invincible

tradition?

fallible opinions

i cant take anymore of the status quo

why are we held to a tradition to follow?

this new what of life isn’t a heartbeat.

change it up, live it up

don’t give a thought to a repeated cycle

be an anomaly…

Time For Me To Fly…

This is where I begin. 

This is where we end

Cease fire

Hold back

Clip

Pull the trigger.

Blow.

Blown.

Blown opportunity.

I told you to back off!

I said to respect my decision!

I said respect my heart’s desires. 

Understand where my happiness lies,

And what do you do???

Ignore.

Boom.

Blow up.

Immancipate

Yes. You assassinated

Any relationship we had gained back

Just leave me alone

Don’t talk to me.

I can’t even look at you, I can’t even talk to you

I can’t even think about you!!

I will blow a fuse.

Say exactly what I don’t mean,

Lose my testimony.

Lose my dignity and maturity.

I was the bigger person.

Not you.

Age is nothing but a number. Don’t be so ignorant.

Dummy.

Think I don’t know what you think?

I heard enough. And I still cut it short.

I heard it all, and you never finished your thoughts.

You think little before you speak, same as I.

But the difference is I left just in time.

I won’t be coming back for a while.

This time you couldn’t make me leave,

I left by choice, because​your words stabbed me

I had to go to my hospital.

My love.

Who actually loved me enough to mend hurt and pain.

I don’t need you.

This is where I begin.

This is where we end!

My Independence shall glow up

My Independence shall glow up!

My dependency falls by the wayside,

And we part ways.

Stay on your side.

Don’t come in my Lane.

Stay away from me, keep your mouth to yourself.

Focus on your own problems

Worry about your own life.

Leave me be.

It’s time for me to fly…

Bullied

I am socially awkward
And I am overweight
I don’t have any friends
And my hygiene isn’t that great

I am the one sitting alone
At the lunch table at school
Waiting on someone to come over and talk to me

All my life I have seen hate;
Pain and suffering.
Something has always hurt me.
I am not normal,
I’ve been told,
I’ve also been told I should’ve died long ago.

I trust no one;
I’ve learned I can’t
Because people bail on you,
And fail you,
Time and time again.

My whole life I’ve been bullied;
All I’ve ever wanted is to feel loved, cherished, and
To know someone will care about me.

Since I was born I’ve been treated awful
And until I die I will endure a struggle.

I’m always on the move
Each place I live is only temporary
And besides my mother who smokes and drinks every day
I don’t have any family.

All of this I felt until I met someone
Who fulfilled my desire to be loved;
And he even died for me at one point.

I’ve talked to him ever since I met him,
And even tho I can’t see him
I feel his presence.

He really changed every part about me,
Now when people bully me,
I feel bad for where they are heading.

My destination is heaven,
And theirs is nowhere.

They are going nowhere in life,
They live in the moment,
But when they are dead they will
look back at all the times
I witnessed to them,
And they will ask for help.

But it will be too late.

They all think I am ignorant
But really I am much smarter than them.
I think in the long run where my life will be
And I don’t want to head down the road of misery.
I am the bullied christian and this is my story.