Come Home, Please?

And i can still feel your lips
That last time before you left.
You gently resting your strong hands on my waist and hugging me
Your strength is what helped me say good bye.

By far the biggest decision i ever made was being with you
And now the biggest decision as of now is being apart from you.
I cant sleep well again.
For you calmed the storms that flooded my mind.
My nightmares come and go, but no one can help calm them in this cold bed.

I slept with more layers than normal to stay warm.
Its cold.
I miss your body heat.
I want to hug you so bad right now.
Kiss you.
Hold your hand.
I want to take you to work.
I want to pick you up, as you walk to the car with this smile that says “i love my baby”
But i cant. And wont.
For a while.
This short time will be the longest in my mind.

I cant bare to think of another night without you, but i must learn to live with that thought.

I thought getting up early would be hard,
But i see it wont be, for i cannot sleep.
I love you
And i miss you…
Please come home soon. 😦

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Ready, Set, GO!!

Should i just stop trying?

just live?

should i just stop caring?

just go with the flow?

im not what i used to be,

and sadly i dont know what that was.

i just know nothing feels the same anymore.

im ready to just do whatever i want,

free spirit.

i dont want boundaries.

i want to do whatever i please.

if that means leaving all ive ever known,

then ready, set, GO!

im gone.

What is Love?

We all want to know what love is. what it feels like, what it looks like, what it smells like, and even what it sounds like.

All our senses kick in when we think about love.

what is love?

is love honesty?

Someone hurting you by letting you know you are a bitch and you need help. that you are bipolar and need medication. or maybe that you are depressed with anxiety and need a Xanex. maybe you are too sensitive and need to toughen up. you need to grow up, act your age… you know, those talks to better you…

those talks people give to someone who is always in trouble. always insecure and crying, so they find it necessary to tell us what we need to do and how we need to do it. helpful talks, yes, but is it really what we need in those dark times? is that love?

is love positivity?

is love ignoring the pain someone is going through and being rediculously positive. always laughing and smiling. the opposite of honesty. lying and saying it is all ok and you are fine… you dont need help, you just need to get out and get your mind off things. yeah, that does help! but only about 30 minutes, because the whole time you are out to forget things and relax you are exhausting your mind to forget and relax! the whole reason you get out is to relax, forget, and enjoy life and you do the opposite because you try so hard to accomplish those things. everything you do is harder than it should be. only because you make it hard. not intentionally! but you cant help it… you overthink everything and the harder you try not too, the more you overthink! so the anxiety kicks in, even when you are out for a coffee with a friend.

is love a person?

we hear that God is love, but what is love you cant feel? what if you tried your whole life to feel God but you never have. you never heard Him, you never seen Him… you know he is there because that is all you have ever known but you cant help but doubt because you never had that one on one “thing”. God is supposed to be personal, but i never had that personal connection, so i am left believing love could be a person. is it your mother? father? brother, sister, friend, lover, husband, wife? tell me…

is it that person you want to much to please. you want them to be happy with you. smile at you constantly and tell you how they appreciate you so much. that even tho you are nothing and dont meet any standards, you are perfect in their eyes. you have the perfect everything for THEM. you want to meet their needs and standards, and you try so hard to make them see you but they dont. yeah, they see you… but not your emotions. not your heart. not your desires. and most of the time when you show all these things, they are still blind to see everything there is about you. so you are left feeling alone.

I want to have love inside me. but i find myself wanting to give up constantly. i have always had love around me, but i have such a hard time actually accepting it and believing it is real! i may sound crazy, and i dont expect anyone to understand, because, lets face it, no one wants to understand anything that is difficult to understand. why try to understand anything if it doesnt make sense.

it truly is a miserable world when you think no one understands you. and whether they try or not, they just dont. they dont get it. you want to make everyone happy with you. when someone isnt happy with you it hurts you so deep. if someone talks about you badly, it hurts you so deep! if you ever let someone down, you hurt. when you make a mistake, you are scared to face it. you want perfection. they say all you see is this fairytale life, and that nothing is perfect… but all you ever known is perfect. you grew up not knowing how the world really is, and now that you see it unraveling every day before your eyes, you panic and wonder how did it come to this!? where is the love?? what is love?

 

Back in the Beginning

You can’t always follow your heart, for it leads to destruction.

However, I followed mine,and it lead to happiness and love.

Still protected, still held close, my heart is big enough, yet taken for granted.

I give and give, piece by piece,

To be kept forever.

“Forgive and forget”, “turn the other cheek”,

“Remember what God did for you and do the same, for where would you be without His forgiving name?” No shame, no shame, 

No pain no gain,

Take all the blame.

Love everything and everyone the same.

Want to gain a friend?

Take a risk.

Want to gain trust?

Take the punch.

Want to gain freedom?

Leave all you ever known.

And I once again, I am, back in the beginning.

Write

You never write for me anymore…

Have you lost inspiration from me?

Do I not inspire you anymore?

Am I boring​?

No longer at a distance so the love is different…

I see. 😦

I miss you writing for me. About me. To me. With me.

I miss it.

It breaks my heart I don’t cover your mind enough to be written about…

You know I love it!

You know it makes me smile.

So why?

Write for me my love, I beg for your words of encouragement and romance to light my day.

To lighten my nights!

Give me something to sleep on to make me have the best of dreams.

I need help, I need your writings…

Please my love, write.

Alone

I always am alone

No one to talk to

But what’s weird is when I get around people, I want to go home and be alone…

So why do I feel so lonely?

Company doesn’t appeal to me.

People betray,

People hate,

People lie, and back stab…

I can’t trust anyone,

And every time​I do I get hurt.

Maybe that is why I don’t want company.

Maybe that is why I don’t want Friends..

But at the same time I do, I want Friends.

So which is it?

I don’t even know.

Do I want friends? And risk getting hurt over and over again like always…

Or do I want to be alone, like I always feel. Always have felt. And come to think of it, when I have friends, it lasts for such a short time, that I still feel lonely. Probably because I know that they aren’t there for me. 

Probably because I know that in only a matter of time they will drop me.

Forgive me for this self pity,

But I am saddened by the fact I can’t keep anybody…

And I don’t want to. I am afraid to. 

I am deathly afraid of being alone, but

I am Also terrified of being with others.

I feel perplexed, and I am lost for words of how to explain it other than I am lonely.

More than not.

More than not I am alone.

More than not I am hurting.

More than not you aren’t here by me…

More than not I am sad.

More than not I feel lonely.

More than not I am depressed.

More than not you can’t help me.

More than not you go with your friends.

More than not I am last.

More than not I miss you.

More than not I feel far from your thoughts.
Do you even think of me?

Miss me? Truly?

Or is that something you say to maybe make me feel better…

Don’t you realize you mean everything to me?

Don’t you realize I think of the worst with you?

Because of you?

Because of me?

I am a worry freak.

And leaving me to myself and my horrifying thoughts is what will kill me.

How could you!?

Leave me to this horror I bring upon myself…

More than not.

More than not.

More than not.

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