Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

What The Mind Sees

Drifting off to sleep
Eyes closing
Darkness evolves into light
Shining bright to reveal a dream
About anything the mind wonders off to
Daisies and pastures
Or the ocean and its creatures
Quite possibly death and torture
Or Hell with no rapture
Happy things can become a nightmare
When the mind is numb
To lighthearted things,
Positive and good things

A nightmare is like prison
Entrapment and hell
Not seeing a way out
No control over your fate
You just know that at some point
death will find you
And you can scream
but find you voice is silent
You can punch
but find your strength is gone
You can run
but never fast enough to escape your nightmare
It controls you
The nightmare controls your fate
It controls when you will awake

Shaking and trembling often follows
With tears from fear that death could’ve swallowed
You whole
Could’ve killed you
With no way out
It had no better victim than you
But it set you free
It awoke you from your dream
To have a better fight
In real life
Death didn’t want to take you out when you were asleep
That would be too easy
So it crossed over the dimension
Between what is real and what is in the mind
It could all just be an illusion
But the mind is so powerful it tells you otherwise
Death in human form
Standing at the end of your bed
Looking down at you with a knife in hand
You swallow hard
The rock the formed in your throat
Sharp as the razor blade you will be sliced with
You hear a gravelly voice saying to close your eyes
That you don’t want to see death end your life
Close your eyes
Think of a better place
The mind is powerful
And is your way of escape.

Doubts

Swarming in my head.
Blood curdling
Screams of the dead
And also the living
A cemetery of souls
The lost and the found
Alluring my attention
My will is the prevention
Of death.
Of falling eternally in a bottomless pit.
Who I am with
Is none other than the devil.
My skin is wrinkled,
Grey, and shrivelled.
Demons oppress me.
They tell me I am forever lost
No way to heaven
When I am bound by the chains of the devil himself.
He has bound me
Not by chains of metal,
But chains of my worst memories
All the tragedies I’ve encountered
All the decisions I made
They scream at me I will never be good enough
I can’t be saved
And will be forsaken
I will be like Satan
Damned to hell sempiternal
Damned to a place infernal
Damned to darkness so thick I can touch it
Damned to solitude, so alone its unimaginable
No one to scream to when I’m burning alive
No one around
Just me, myself, and the fire
Damned to gnashing of teeth
Damned to nightmares
Creatures to horrify me forever and ever
All my worst God forsaken dreams come to life and terrify me.
They will kill me
Over and over again
But I will never die
Only endure the torment
Swarming in my head
Doubts arouse my brain
Blood dripping from my pores
As I stress to the point of insanity
Hell will last forever
Not like the kind of hell I feel on earth
Is it worth it
To bite the bullet
And slit my throat now?
Do I want to die now?
Am I already dead now?
What is hell like?
What if it isn’t real?
Is burning alive in black fire,
The hottest fire possible
Worth these doubts?
Should I just settle it now?
What do I have to lose?
It wouldn’t hurt to believe it
Except it
And never feel the flames.
Ignoring my doubts will be the worst thing…
If hell is real…
Is it?
Is heaven real?
What is heaven like?
Is God real?
Will he save me,
After my life of unforgettable,
Unforgivable sins?
Only one way to find out…
Give my life to him.
But what about my pleasures
My favorite things to do
Yes, I live a wretched life
But I love it
I would hate to lose it…
But what I would gain, if its real, is so much more
After all my life is but a vapor
I won’t lose much
But if eternity is real
Then I would lose my golden ticket to heaven
And I would find the free ticket to hell.
Doubts are like nightmares
Because i don’t know the answer
Its like a coin…
50/50 chance of winning or losing.
Doubts.
Swarming in my head.
Blood curdling
Screams of the dead
And also the living
A cemetery of souls
The lost and the found
Alluring my attention
My will is the prevention
Of death.

Down Or Up?

You passed the test once,
But you may not pass it again.
Better be ready when it’s time to take care of your sin.
Haunting you day and night;
Are you ready to end this life?
It takes you so fast
when its time to die.
You won’t even have to cry;
Before you know it, its that time.
Your conscience has warned you
Death is coming for you.
You have no clue
When your time is up.
That’s when you doubt your fate,
Is it down or up?

Hearts That Crumble

As an earthquake that shakes the ground,
Sad and lonely feelings control the hearts and minds that abound.
Our souls that long for an eternal happiness,
And something that quenches the thirst from loneliness,
We shake from the misery
But ignore the cure, unfortunately.
The cure is a being,
That will never leave us weeping.
Invisible but assuring.
It will keep us believing:
In our future, in our relationship,
In our marriage, in our academics.
It keeps us going
Encouraging us to keep pressing on
To never give up
even when times are hard
It gives us a satisfaction that can’t be comprehended
Until it is accepted.
That’s when hearts are mended.
Hearts that crumble from exposure to the brutal hell on earth
If they don’t accept this being,
Will be doomed to eternal hell unbelievably worse.

Lost, Found

As I journey through this thing called life,
And push away bad thoughts aside,
Morale conduct and good deeds
Doesn’t seem to satisfy me.

I feel like half of me is missing but have no clue where,
To start a search for the other pair.

My hope is shattered,
At least in my mind.
“Hope of what?”
Salvation inside.

Good deeds do not tarry far at all.
Maybe I shouldn’t be here,
Maybe hell is my home.

As I draw the knife, the noose, the gun,
And prepare to end my life for once,
I hear a voice tugging at my soul
Saying “there’s more to life! Don’t be a fool!”

This voice was so kind, yet strong and condemning
It said, ” salvation isn’t earned by trying not to be sinning,
“Salvation is earned by believing in the One on the cross,
Who was taken and beaten, and scorned for no cause.
Bloody and spat upon, bruised and hated,
By the ones who He came down to be saving.”

All this time I believed that I
Could save myself from hell, no lie.
But as quick as an eye could blink,
I looked to the sky and did think:
“Why Lord, Why? Have I been such a fool!
I have ignored the Word and made up my own rules!
I thought that I could save myself
But I was wrong oh, Lord,
Please save me from Hell.

Once Lost, now Found
Gods grace is Divine!
Thank you Jesus, I made it to Heaven on time…

When the Light Goes Out

This sin, this darkness
Engulfs the air I breathe,
No matter how hard I try, the evil binds me.
I can’t escape the sickness to this grave,
I push, I shove, I kick, I punch
I scream, I yell, this living hell!

Nothing is right,
Only wrong.
No such thing as light,
Only dark.
The walls around me, closing in
Tho I cannot see, I can’t hide my sin.
I push, I shove, I kick, I punch
I scream, I yell, this living hell!

In the darkness I saw a light
So desperate to see
I fought with all my might
To pass the dark creatures built up over time.
I pushed, I shoved, I kicked, I punched
I screamed, I yelled, but to no avail!

The light went dark,
And I was again blind
I decided from then on I would never again try to find what’s missing
In this blackened soul
This blackened soul that will never be whole.

So now I guess it is my time
To bid the darkness in the world goodbye.

No! This darkness all over again!
I thought I left behind all of the sin!
The light that I saw,
I see now was my way!
Out of the darkness and a way of escape!
But the light was too dim!
And didn’t shine bright at all!
So now I am trapped in this Hell eternal!
I push, I shove, I kick, I punch,
I scream, I yell, this flame is for real!

Why couldn’t the light save me from hell…