Losing

Losing something you never got to even hold

The worst pain that can’t be explained only comprehended

Just within reach and then one day flies away to a stream of blood and waste

I try to have faith

But it feels at the moment it was all a waste

So i remind myself it was never in vain

Never give up

Dont have hate

Just faith

Faith faith faith

Continue to believe that this just isnt time and place

I will never forget my first time

And as soon as it came it went

Every ache pain and discomfort i have had

Cannot amount to the pain i feel now

First thing on my mind is to give up

Why am i so weak!

God didn’t give a life to take it so i lose my belief

He is just testing me i guess

A life full of nothing but tests

All i can hope and pray for is that it all will soon end

Im exhausted

Life gets too good and i get too happy

Surreal long enough to where reality sets in

Then it happens

I start losing the faith again. 😦

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Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Anomaly

whats tradition?

glorified repetition?

i want a new way of life

something that i can be proud of

more than holding a heritage

more like past generation wishes

past generation dirty dishes

hold me back and i am likely to become vicious

im sick of this

rabid

i attack

back track

im a train derailed

unstoppable

i hold a truth that shall prevail

invincible

tradition?

fallible opinions

i cant take anymore of the status quo

why are we held to a tradition to follow?

this new what of life isn’t a heartbeat.

change it up, live it up

don’t give a thought to a repeated cycle

be an anomaly…

Time For Me To Fly…

This is where I begin. 

This is where we end

Cease fire

Hold back

Clip

Pull the trigger.

Blow.

Blown.

Blown opportunity.

I told you to back off!

I said to respect my decision!

I said respect my heart’s desires. 

Understand where my happiness lies,

And what do you do???

Ignore.

Boom.

Blow up.

Immancipate

Yes. You assassinated

Any relationship we had gained back

Just leave me alone

Don’t talk to me.

I can’t even look at you, I can’t even talk to you

I can’t even think about you!!

I will blow a fuse.

Say exactly what I don’t mean,

Lose my testimony.

Lose my dignity and maturity.

I was the bigger person.

Not you.

Age is nothing but a number. Don’t be so ignorant.

Dummy.

Think I don’t know what you think?

I heard enough. And I still cut it short.

I heard it all, and you never finished your thoughts.

You think little before you speak, same as I.

But the difference is I left just in time.

I won’t be coming back for a while.

This time you couldn’t make me leave,

I left by choice, because​your words stabbed me

I had to go to my hospital.

My love.

Who actually loved me enough to mend hurt and pain.

I don’t need you.

This is where I begin.

This is where we end!

My Independence shall glow up

My Independence shall glow up!

My dependency falls by the wayside,

And we part ways.

Stay on your side.

Don’t come in my Lane.

Stay away from me, keep your mouth to yourself.

Focus on your own problems

Worry about your own life.

Leave me be.

It’s time for me to fly…

Never Forget

Never forget where you come from

Never forget where you are going

As soon as time comes, it goes

So never waste a moment.
Spend time caring,

Spend time loving,

Spend time playing,

Spend time resting,

Spend time alone,

Spend time working,

Spend time with close ones

Spend time learning,

But never forget to spend time with God above

The one who supplied you everything.
Bad moments come,

Good moments go,

We oft’ forget the special things

For time is never slow.

Please hold on to the future,

Let go of the past,

Never forget it tho, 

For that is how we last.

Stay positive and always upbeat

Don’t depress and stay down

Losers stay down and winners stay up

Leah, you’ll win the crown.

Be an inspiration,

You already are to some,

Don’t lose that respect from others

It is easy to lose and hard the gain back.

Never waste precious time,

Time is of the essence…

Secure Me

when will i try enough
i say i do, but it doesn’t show.

only the stresses in my head let me know

i care,

but the efforts i have cease to reflect anything of the sort

no one sees

nor understands my pain

i am hurting so much inside because i have yet to become anything more than just a girl

a girl who cant live outside of home and work

do i even meet up to standards and wishes of those i love?

no.

at least not the ones who said they would always love me.

 

and i often wonder:

why is it always the struggle of love

not even lusts,

but love.

the feeling that you are wanted and deserved instead of forgotten and irrelevant

and part of me wants to believe they still love me

for more than an obligation…

they are obligated to talk to me, or respond anyway

i push things and fall

pushing on a weightless object and i fall hard.

 

and then the one i fought for,

i know the love is there, but…

my insecurity haunts me. so much

i cry!

why cant i just be secure!

not just know, but believe!

belief is so hard for me…

it requires trust and trust doesn’t come so easy…

anymore.

i don’t trust anyone or anything.

i have little to no faith and i have no idea where to go about finding it.

i pray for it, i ask for an open mind…

but i trained myself to shut that off.

fear over hope.

fear over trust.

fear over anything besides myself…

yet that’s the problem.

how can i even put faith in myself when i am weak and nothing but a girl.

i am nothing to trust

because

i don’t even believe in myself.

 

my biggest weakness has turned out to be myself.

i have no sense of security in knowing things will be okay,

i believe that God can do anything,

but “will he?” is the question…

that is my problem.

i don’t trust he will…

yet i know God has the best in mind.

i just don’t like letting go.

i want to be in control.

independent, i need help giving myself over to the right One.

the right person. the only one who will secure me.

 

Strength By Weakness

Bring the rain.
Bring the pain and sorrow,
To make us stronger, and truly see your grace and mercy.
When all is well, and we live on not knowing
That what we have you gave.
You bestowed by the power of  your grace.
Its when we hit our darkest places, we truly see the light
Its when we have fallen so far, we finally give up the fight
Giving you the perfect moment to pull us up
To show us your grace and mercy
To show us your love
So here I am in a messy place
Here I am needing your mercy and grace.
So bring the rain
Bring the pain and sorrow,
Show me your grace and mercy
Give me strength by weakness

Prove

The 15th of April…

that marks the ending

the beginning of the end.

the end of the beginning.

saying vows… that should and would last eternity.

vowing my allegiance to a man i barely know, now thats security

for what is love that isn’t ever lasting?

who says time is what it takes to truly love someone?

time for me to take up my words,

put them to use

to prove them.

to prove myself.

to prove.

Free

The ultimate nirvana… freedom.

being free from yourself.

i have been my own worst enemy.

and the thing is, i acknowledged that ages ago,

but i just now truly understood it.

i just now truly seen what i have been doing to myself.

i have just now truly seen the harm i was inflicting upon myself. and i am ending it now.

thats what freedom is.

letting go of what things used to be.

things of the past that caused harm…

thats what freedom is.

i can honestly say, that now, i am free.

free of the chains and baggage, holding me back of my full potential.

i am feeling of good courage, to share who i am with the world.

and TELL THE WORLD about what has changed my life.

my testimony.

my freedom.

 

Being the Example

It’s amazing how people can act. One thing you say or do, will throw them off.

One thing you say or do, and your friendship is lost.

its amazing how juvenile thinking can ruin your relationships

patience is to come in from one side and the other, but what if one side it doesn’t come?

does that then mean that patience is a one-sided thing? almost like a one-sided friendship…

not very genuine. not very considerate.

where has consideration gone these days?

why is it non-existent??

no one understand that you should hold the door for the one behind you. or put your turn signal on to let those behind you have a head’s up what your planning to do.

but NO. no one lets people know their plans, or anything… why?

pure selfishness.

 

its amazing what is considered selfish these days. its amazing how people can call others selfish for not putting themselves out for others, but yet. they do worse. they are more selfish than any other.

hypocrites rule the world.

in the highest places hypocrites dwell.

I’m sick of it, and I am supposed to deal with it??

I am to “turn the other cheek,”

I am to “have patience for them who know not…”

well, when will things turn around?

I wonder things. maybe I shouldn’t.

I think too much. thinking turns into actions…

maybe the more I think on things that work me up, maybe one day I will act on it.

try to make a difference myself…

but not with myself. that’s the dangerous part.

I am to be an example… that’s how I should be making a difference…

but if I am not careful. I will set another example that is much easier to follow. a bad example.

and that isn’t what I want.