Doubts

image

Swarming in my head.
Blood curdling
Screams of the dead
And also the living
A cemetery of souls
The lost and the found
Alluring my attention
My will is the prevention
Of death.
Of falling eternally in a bottomless pit.
Who I am with
Is none other than the devil.
My skin is wrinkled,
Grey, and shrivelled.
Demons oppress me.
They tell me I am forever lost
No way to heaven
When I am bound by the chains of the devil himself.
He has bound me
Not by chains of metal,
But chains of my worst memories
All the tragedies I’ve encountered
All the decisions I made
They scream at me I will never be good enough
I can’t be saved
And will be forsaken
I will be like Satan
Damned to hell sempiternal
Damned to a place infernal
Damned to darkness so thick I can touch it
Damned to solitude, so alone its unimaginable
No one to scream to when I’m burning alive
No one around
Just me, myself, and the fire
Damned to gnashing of teeth
Damned to nightmares
Creatures to horrify me forever and ever
All my worst God forsaken dreams come to life and terrify me.
They will kill me
Over and over again
But I will never die
Only endure the torment
Swarming in my head
Doubts arouse my brain
Blood dripping from my pores
As I stress to the point of insanity
Hell will last forever
Not like the kind of hell I feel on earth
Is it worth it
To bite the bullet
And slit my throat now?
Do I want to die now?
Am I already dead now?
What is hell like?
What if it isn’t real?
Is burning alive in black fire,
The hottest fire possible
Worth these doubts?
Should I just settle it now?
What do I have to lose?
It wouldn’t hurt to believe it
Except it
And never feel the flames.
Ignoring my doubts will be the worst thing…
If hell is real…
Is it?
Is heaven real?
What is heaven like?
Is God real?
Will he save me,
After my life of unforgettable,
Unforgivable sins?
Only one way to find out…
Give my life to him.
But what about my pleasures
My favorite things to do
Yes, I live a wretched life
But I love it
I would hate to lose it…
But what I would gain, if its real, is so much more
After all my life is but a vapor
I won’t lose much
But if eternity is real
Then I would lose my golden ticket to heaven
And I would find the free ticket to hell.
Doubts are like nightmares
Because i don’t know the answer
Its like a coin…
50/50 chance of winning or losing.
Doubts.
Swarming in my head.
Blood curdling
Screams of the dead
And also the living
A cemetery of souls
The lost and the found
Alluring my attention
My will is the prevention
Of death.

Saying Goodbye

As soon as you came in my life you are leaving me.
I never really got to know you personally
But I know enough to know I love you
And I’ll miss you
And you mean so much to me
You’ve mad me who I am
You helped me overcome my insecurity
Told me I was beautiful
And helped me to believe it myself.
I’d been told that by many that my blemishes don’t matter
But its hard to believe someone when I can’t see my natural beauty myself.
And I know now,
That physical beauty isn’t all the same
Everyone looks different.
But I see that now.
And if it weren’t for you,
I would still be looking in the mirror
Hating myself.
You were the sweetest lady I have ever known.
Like a perfect angel from above.
And as I write this tears do fall.
Because I will miss you more than you will ever know.
But when you are up in heaven soon
You will look down
And I promise to make you proud.
I love you like a second mother.
You nurtured me
and put some things in me
Back together.
My biological mother has shown me the same love
But when she showers me everyday with it
I tend to forget
That what she says isn’t made up
Its not a lie
She truly means it
And you helped me understand it.
For a long time I felt like what my mother said was a lie
She spoke words of love because she loves me
And I thought she had eyes that were blind to truly see
I thought what she said all those years was just a mother to daughter compliment.
But she was just trying to give me confidence.
But it wasn’t til you were generous with love
Til I realized it wasn’t just empty words.
It was real.
And she was right.
I am beautiful.
And I believe it. And I know it. And I will shout it.
I only hope to one day
Be like you.
In all you say and do.
You are the by far
The most inspirational
Most influential
Most beautiful
Lady.
Inside and out.
You were not only a friend.
But a mother.
And a sister.
And a helper.
And a listener.
And an advisor.
My role model.
And I love you.
Truly I do.
I wish you could last forever
But truth is you will
I will see you one day soon
When I go to heaven.
This God forsaken cancer
Took you by force
And I found myself blaming God
Because he didn’t save you.
But it was wrong of me…
Because God just want to be
Closer to you
In a way he’d never been before
He wanted you to visit him.
And you will soon enough.
Until then, and after then I will cry
Tears of sorrow
Bitter sorrow…
But tears of joy for you will be in no more pain.
I love you Mrs. Barb.
I can’t wait to see you
On the other side of this life.
Goodbye. For now.

It’s For The Better

Saying goodbye to someone…
I never knew the pain.
I have never lost someone. ever.
I’ve never felt this before.
But I hate it.
And I just want to sleep and forget it.
But its there, its keeping me awake.
I am soaking my pillow,
Drenching my sheets.
Shaking my bed
From sniffling, sobbing.
Oh God,
Why did you let this happen I wonder…
Why.
But its all for the good.
Nothing that happens will always be understood…
But its for the better.
I must tell myself this.
It is for the better.

Down Or Up?

You passed the test once,
But you may not pass it again.
Better be ready when it’s time to take care of your sin.
Haunting you day and night;
Are you ready to end this life?
It takes you so fast
when its time to die.
You won’t even have to cry;
Before you know it, its that time.
Your conscience has warned you
Death is coming for you.
You have no clue
When your time is up.
That’s when you doubt your fate,
Is it down or up?

Taken By Force

Going through life not knowing the danger
Hidden onside myself; it keeps me awake at night.
Not knowing what’s next, if faith even matters,
And if I will live much longer. I have lost my sight.
My sight of hope and a cure for this cancer
I wonder “why me!??” I need an answer!
This thing engulfs me, I feel taken by force,
So why allow the devil have victory over me, Lord?
I put a smile on my face
And tell others I’m fine.
I know, dear Grace,
That I’ll be alright,
And even tho everyone has a time,
I am no where near ready to die.
So Lord, take me by force
And give me eternal peace tonight…

Lost, Found

As I journey through this thing called life,
And push away bad thoughts aside,
Morale conduct and good deeds
Doesn’t seem to satisfy me.

I feel like half of me is missing but have no clue where,
To start a search for the other pair.

My hope is shattered,
At least in my mind.
“Hope of what?”
Salvation inside.

Good deeds do not tarry far at all.
Maybe I shouldn’t be here,
Maybe hell is my home.

As I draw the knife, the noose, the gun,
And prepare to end my life for once,
I hear a voice tugging at my soul
Saying “there’s more to life! Don’t be a fool!”

This voice was so kind, yet strong and condemning
It said, ” salvation isn’t earned by trying not to be sinning,
“Salvation is earned by believing in the One on the cross,
Who was taken and beaten, and scorned for no cause.
Bloody and spat upon, bruised and hated,
By the ones who He came down to be saving.”

All this time I believed that I
Could save myself from hell, no lie.
But as quick as an eye could blink,
I looked to the sky and did think:
“Why Lord, Why? Have I been such a fool!
I have ignored the Word and made up my own rules!
I thought that I could save myself
But I was wrong oh, Lord,
Please save me from Hell.

Once Lost, now Found
Gods grace is Divine!
Thank you Jesus, I made it to Heaven on time…

When the Light Goes Out

This sin, this darkness
Engulfs the air I breathe,
No matter how hard I try, the evil binds me.
I can’t escape the sickness to this grave,
I push, I shove, I kick, I punch
I scream, I yell, this living hell!

Nothing is right,
Only wrong.
No such thing as light,
Only dark.
The walls around me, closing in
Tho I cannot see, I can’t hide my sin.
I push, I shove, I kick, I punch
I scream, I yell, this living hell!

In the darkness I saw a light
So desperate to see
I fought with all my might
To pass the dark creatures built up over time.
I pushed, I shoved, I kicked, I punched
I screamed, I yelled, but to no avail!

The light went dark,
And I was again blind
I decided from then on I would never again try to find what’s missing
In this blackened soul
This blackened soul that will never be whole.

So now I guess it is my time
To bid the darkness in the world goodbye.

No! This darkness all over again!
I thought I left behind all of the sin!
The light that I saw,
I see now was my way!
Out of the darkness and a way of escape!
But the light was too dim!
And didn’t shine bright at all!
So now I am trapped in this Hell eternal!
I push, I shove, I kick, I punch,
I scream, I yell, this flame is for real!

Why couldn’t the light save me from hell…

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Weapons Of Warfare

The Pen is Mightier Than The Sword

Breaking the Silenc3

Shattered Gold

hikaricherryblossoms

Life After The Break Up

Think Biblically!

Developing the Mind of Christ

beth tremaglio

Climbing, rock climbing, bouldering, inspire, soul

Lost in ramblings

My blog to ramble as I please.

Love Letters

Lost for Words, yet Found By Yours

Love Is Greater than all

Lost for Words, Love

PoemsFromTheHeartcom

Dive in to the deep words your heart has been suffering for.

poetry18blog

Blog Of Poetry

relatively poetic

some poems by a person who is a man.

QUOTATIONS, IDIOMS & PROVERBS

Exclusive blog about Quotations, Idioms & Proverbs, where you will find quality & class Quotations, interesting & incredible Idioms, popular yet powerful Proverbs with complete meaning. All under one roof !!

Effulgence of remnant Sunshine

Kaleidoscopic thoughts

EWIAN

Independent audiovideo artist

Vacancy in Mind

{ poetry & prose }

ChinHooi Ng's Poetic Notes

Interests & Inspiration include #ImageryPoems #FreeVerse #InnerPeace #SmallMoments #Vegetarianism #Pescatarianism #Minimalism #ASD #MemorySport #Karaoke #Multilingualism #Malaysia #Wordpress #World

365 Stagnated Love Letters

What started as a challenge to write 365 poems in a year turned into just being able to write 365 poems true to myself. This is now a quest for vulnerability at it's finest.

The Outpouring of My Heart

The Exposition From My Insomnia

Poems

Amit Rahman

Thoughts from A Rambling Psyche

Whatever is on my mind

Hums and Poetry

Create.......Write.........Express :) ^-^ ^-^ ^-^ Follow us on Twitter @HumsAndPoetry :)

bradford graham west

giving you inside looks of the creation, the musings, contemplations and other writings from bradford graham west

Angst, Love And Other Monsters Of The Mind

A place where the thoughts in my mind take the form of words and run, unfettered, across the screen. Feel free to comment.

meandthreelittles

Heartbreak and moving on as a single mom to three.

My Virtual Diary

Poem, Stories, Sarcasm and whatever else comes in my mind.

Descendant Of Solomon

Living in the world I write about

The Voiceless Heart

Exposing the Contents of My Heart Through My Pen

%d bloggers like this: