My Heart Speaks

Show me your face

I want to see you

I want to see your glory

I want to see your power

This very hour

So do it in me

My heart speaks out right now oh God

I need more than just comfort

I need love

I need affection

I need mercy

Forgiveness and hurt my heart speaks

My heart speaks out right now oh God

I life my voice up and i sing to you in vain

My worship is not enough

My heart speaks to You

I long for Your free acceptance

Your genuine love that far that exceeds man’s character

My heart speaks Lord

I give up

I want to die forever

To this world. To myself. I want to die to everything for You.

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Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Only

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Doubts

image

Swarming in my head.
Blood curdling
Screams of the dead
And also the living
A cemetery of souls
The lost and the found
Alluring my attention
My will is the prevention
Of death.
Of falling eternally in a bottomless pit.
Who I am with
Is none other than the devil.
My skin is wrinkled,
Grey, and shrivelled.
Demons oppress me.
They tell me I am forever lost
No way to heaven
When I am bound by the chains of the devil himself.
He has bound me
Not by chains of metal,
But chains of my worst memories
All the tragedies I’ve encountered
All the decisions I made
They scream at me I will never be good enough
I can’t be saved
And will be forsaken
I will be like Satan
Damned to hell sempiternal
Damned to a place infernal
Damned to darkness so thick I can touch it
Damned to solitude, so alone its unimaginable
No one to scream to when I’m burning alive
No one around
Just me, myself, and the fire
Damned to gnashing of teeth
Damned to nightmares
Creatures to horrify me forever and ever
All my worst God forsaken dreams come to life and terrify me.
They will kill me
Over and over again
But I will never die
Only endure the torment
Swarming in my head
Doubts arouse my brain
Blood dripping from my pores
As I stress to the point of insanity
Hell will last forever
Not like the kind of hell I feel on earth
Is it worth it
To bite the bullet
And slit my throat now?
Do I want to die now?
Am I already dead now?
What is hell like?
What if it isn’t real?
Is burning alive in black fire,
The hottest fire possible
Worth these doubts?
Should I just settle it now?
What do I have to lose?
It wouldn’t hurt to believe it
Except it
And never feel the flames.
Ignoring my doubts will be the worst thing…
If hell is real…
Is it?
Is heaven real?
What is heaven like?
Is God real?
Will he save me,
After my life of unforgettable,
Unforgivable sins?
Only one way to find out…
Give my life to him.
But what about my pleasures
My favorite things to do
Yes, I live a wretched life
But I love it
I would hate to lose it…
But what I would gain, if its real, is so much more
After all my life is but a vapor
I won’t lose much
But if eternity is real
Then I would lose my golden ticket to heaven
And I would find the free ticket to hell.
Doubts are like nightmares
Because i don’t know the answer
Its like a coin…
50/50 chance of winning or losing.
Doubts.
Swarming in my head.
Blood curdling
Screams of the dead
And also the living
A cemetery of souls
The lost and the found
Alluring my attention
My will is the prevention
Of death.

Saying Goodbye

As soon as you came in my life you are leaving me.
I never really got to know you personally
But I know enough to know I love you
And I’ll miss you
And you mean so much to me
You’ve mad me who I am
You helped me overcome my insecurity
Told me I was beautiful
And helped me to believe it myself.
I’d been told that by many that my blemishes don’t matter
But its hard to believe someone when I can’t see my natural beauty myself.
And I know now,
That physical beauty isn’t all the same
Everyone looks different.
But I see that now.
And if it weren’t for you,
I would still be looking in the mirror
Hating myself.
You were the sweetest lady I have ever known.
Like a perfect angel from above.
And as I write this tears do fall.
Because I will miss you more than you will ever know.
But when you are up in heaven soon
You will look down
And I promise to make you proud.
I love you like a second mother.
You nurtured me
and put some things in me
Back together.
My biological mother has shown me the same love
But when she showers me everyday with it
I tend to forget
That what she says isn’t made up
Its not a lie
She truly means it
And you helped me understand it.
For a long time I felt like what my mother said was a lie
She spoke words of love because she loves me
And I thought she had eyes that were blind to truly see
I thought what she said all those years was just a mother to daughter compliment.
But she was just trying to give me confidence.
But it wasn’t til you were generous with love
Til I realized it wasn’t just empty words.
It was real.
And she was right.
I am beautiful.
And I believe it. And I know it. And I will shout it.
I only hope to one day
Be like you.
In all you say and do.
You are the by far
The most inspirational
Most influential
Most beautiful
Lady.
Inside and out.
You were not only a friend.
But a mother.
And a sister.
And a helper.
And a listener.
And an advisor.
My role model.
And I love you.
Truly I do.
I wish you could last forever
But truth is you will
I will see you one day soon
When I go to heaven.
This God forsaken cancer
Took you by force
And I found myself blaming God
Because he didn’t save you.
But it was wrong of me…
Because God just want to be
Closer to you
In a way he’d never been before
He wanted you to visit him.
And you will soon enough.
Until then, and after then I will cry
Tears of sorrow
Bitter sorrow…
But tears of joy for you will be in no more pain.
I love you Mrs. Barb.
I can’t wait to see you
On the other side of this life.
Goodbye. For now.

It’s For The Better

Saying goodbye to someone…
I never knew the pain.
I have never lost someone. ever.
I’ve never felt this before.
But I hate it.
And I just want to sleep and forget it.
But its there, its keeping me awake.
I am soaking my pillow,
Drenching my sheets.
Shaking my bed
From sniffling, sobbing.
Oh God,
Why did you let this happen I wonder…
Why.
But its all for the good.
Nothing that happens will always be understood…
But its for the better.
I must tell myself this.
It is for the better.

Down Or Up?

You passed the test once,
But you may not pass it again.
Better be ready when it’s time to take care of your sin.
Haunting you day and night;
Are you ready to end this life?
It takes you so fast
when its time to die.
You won’t even have to cry;
Before you know it, its that time.
Your conscience has warned you
Death is coming for you.
You have no clue
When your time is up.
That’s when you doubt your fate,
Is it down or up?