Losing

Losing something you never got to even hold

The worst pain that can’t be explained only comprehended

Just within reach and then one day flies away to a stream of blood and waste

I try to have faith

But it feels at the moment it was all a waste

So i remind myself it was never in vain

Never give up

Dont have hate

Just faith

Faith faith faith

Continue to believe that this just isnt time and place

I will never forget my first time

And as soon as it came it went

Every ache pain and discomfort i have had

Cannot amount to the pain i feel now

First thing on my mind is to give up

Why am i so weak!

God didn’t give a life to take it so i lose my belief

He is just testing me i guess

A life full of nothing but tests

All i can hope and pray for is that it all will soon end

Im exhausted

Life gets too good and i get too happy

Surreal long enough to where reality sets in

Then it happens

I start losing the faith again. 😦

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Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Only

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Territory

Hello sunshine 🙂

Can I call you that, love?

When the rain of every day irritations

Cause a drought in my appreciation

of life

I know

I can count on you

to be my sunlight.

You’ll pull me through.

You make me a better person.

You light up the darkness around me;

Help me clean up the dirtiness inside me.

Babe.

You are my sunshine.

I carry you with me everywhere i go.

In my heart,

If you must know,

You stay;

Never to stray.

You take my breath away.

You stole my heart,

But thats fine.

You can keep it,

I trust you with it ;

To treasure it and to treat it,

With care

And protection,

With love

And devotion.

And sunshine

As you do with mine

I will with yours,

Lord willing.

I will hold your heart close.

I will love it daily, and more that most.

I will treasure it… well

I already do.

I will protect it from harm too.

And sunshine,

If ever a time it gets hurt

It will be because of someone else’s dirt,

But they will have had to gone through me first.

I will fight with all my might

To protect what is mine and what i cherish

For baby

I claim you

You are mine.

I hope you dont mind

That statement sounds controlling…

But i rather think of it as territorial

Im like a wolf in sheeps clothing

I am territorial

And anything or anyone that comes close to you

Let it be known

I wil raise my guard

And fight to defend your heart

This sheep is delicate

But this sheep can be a rabid wolf

Dont be afraid…

Im not too crazy

I just know to find a treasure like you is nothing to take lightly

So i am careful not to lose you

Jealousy?

Not really.

Being jealous is when you want something that is someone else’s.

You shouldn’t be jealous.

Because i am not anyone else’s.

Only yours.

Forever.

So territorial…? let it be so.

You are my territory.

And i yours.

Ever So Often

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

 

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

 

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

 

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

 

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

 

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

 

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Cards

You know something,

You can’t make people happy. No matter how much you may try, you will disappoint, anger, sadden,  and hurt people in life. The cards you play are not always right. More than not they are wrong. More than not they mess up your next move. More than not it makes moves harder for others. More than not others react and mess up your thought process to make a better move. To play with a good strategy and be tormented with an endless 

supply of bad thoughts is terrifying. It is stressful. 

I am at a loss for words as to why i am where i am in life. It really doesn’t matter what i do, i sew discord. It doesn’t matter what i say i offend. It doesn’t matter my what my opinion, stance, or conscience says it is wrong to others. I can never just do what i please without worrying about what another may say. I may never have the freedom and confidence to make a decision on my own without the opinion or ruling of another.

Opinions matter. I take tips in my play in this game called life. We all gamble. We all win, we all lose. We sometimes draw.

We make friends, we lose them. We gain trust and lose it. Love comes and goes. It flees in the time of pressure or loss.

It doesn’t matter the placement in a family. You are the bottom when it comes to an opinion. You are wrong, you are right. We always have to have the last word.

When will it end? Fighting all the time. Drama feeds on our words. Words dig into the flesh and soul of another and hurt them. Causing grudges you may never return from.

I will never have the last word. I will never have the first. I state my peace and cry as it never goes my way. Others get in and mix up emotions. My emotions are dry. I have nothing left to say. I am done. I tried. I wanted more, but i now see i will never get more. I give up. I surrender. I have forever lost this fight. So leave me alone. I am happy with the cards i have, but my opponent fails to acknowledge. I feel like i must decide which to play next. I feel pressured into playing a certain way, but my heart and gut tells me not to! Can i please play in peace?!! Can i play on my own. With your encouragement and happiness for me. I am in a rut, but success is on the way and you must stress my hands more. I cry. I wept. Shared words that i never should have, but now it is too late. I say too much.

You know too much. I can never trust anyone with the truth of what i possess in my mind because they will use it against me. Learning my moves then saying how it will and won’t work. Let me find out. I want to deal my own hand! I want to take control of my turn. My play. My cards. My life!

I don’t want my opponents to leave. I love them. But they are making it hard for me to involve them in my game. They make it hard for me to share with them my thoughts on my hand, for if i do somehow i end up giving up cards that i wished to keep. It’s pointless to talk, to explain. That is when people hurt people. That is when the dagger leaves the sleeve and one cuts another. Don’t speak. Let the anger escape. Vent it out. And be quiet. Let us play a quiet game.

Enough, one day…

One day I will be enough.

Enough for you.

Enough for me.

And maybe enough for God.

Until then I fall short every day and I fail.

I don’t think you realize how much I wish to meet your needs, standards, expectations, and I don’t.

I am told I need to grow.

I am told not to do this.

I am told to stop worrying.

I am told to calm down…

Why is it I am changing everything, or told to change everything about myself​.

I feel like I am being shaped, molded, sculped, but I want to be myself.

I have not even found my true self yet and I am Fighting to protect myself.

Inside and out I am Fighting.

Warfare at every turn.

I can’t defeat this on my own, and support is hard to come by but for only a moment.

Patience is great, but not enough.

I need space. Time. And patience.

Your words hurt me, and I don’t think you realize.

But that is you. 

And you tell me that I am too sensitive.

But you aren’t enough.

You aren’t sensitive enough.

If you could for only a moment dive into my brain and my constant thoughts, you would go crazy.

Maybe I am crazy. I don’t know, I just wish things would let up and life was a little bit easier for only a moment. 😦

Time For Me To Fly…

This is where I begin. 

This is where we end

Cease fire

Hold back

Clip

Pull the trigger.

Blow.

Blown.

Blown opportunity.

I told you to back off!

I said to respect my decision!

I said respect my heart’s desires. 

Understand where my happiness lies,

And what do you do???

Ignore.

Boom.

Blow up.

Immancipate

Yes. You assassinated

Any relationship we had gained back

Just leave me alone

Don’t talk to me.

I can’t even look at you, I can’t even talk to you

I can’t even think about you!!

I will blow a fuse.

Say exactly what I don’t mean,

Lose my testimony.

Lose my dignity and maturity.

I was the bigger person.

Not you.

Age is nothing but a number. Don’t be so ignorant.

Dummy.

Think I don’t know what you think?

I heard enough. And I still cut it short.

I heard it all, and you never finished your thoughts.

You think little before you speak, same as I.

But the difference is I left just in time.

I won’t be coming back for a while.

This time you couldn’t make me leave,

I left by choice, because​your words stabbed me

I had to go to my hospital.

My love.

Who actually loved me enough to mend hurt and pain.

I don’t need you.

This is where I begin.

This is where we end!

My Independence shall glow up

My Independence shall glow up!

My dependency falls by the wayside,

And we part ways.

Stay on your side.

Don’t come in my Lane.

Stay away from me, keep your mouth to yourself.

Focus on your own problems

Worry about your own life.

Leave me be.

It’s time for me to fly…