Deja Vu

Deja vu

Can’t escape this deja vu

Cant make something of myself

I don’t know what i want to do

Much less what i need

I am so lost for words

I have no answers

Ready to give up trying

Tired of shape shifting

Confusion is an epidemic

My brain can’t take all these thoughts

Memories flood my mind

They always are nonstop

I cant forget what i want

Hurting so much, in my mental

My only salvation is physical pain

Blood doesnt have to surface

Who says i have to create scars

Punch my fist so hard

Anger boils insides

Because im so screwed up in my mind

I wish i could be dead

And never come back to this world

Why start over, when it will all be the same

Life sucks and to me life isnt worth anything

Who is actually happy and satisfied?

I cant imagine that contentment in life…

She say its selfish to take my life

And leave all those who love me behind

What are you even talking about

Love is support

Love isnt turning a blind eye

To the mentally unstable

To the mentally hurting

Just because i want something else for my life

Support is hard to come by

Love isn’t a freaking title

Mother or not

Love is not just a word

Married or not

Love is pain

And i dont want to feel it anymore

Praise Turned To Bless

Blessed

No other word can express

The love God has shown

He has bestowed His grace.

His unfailing love.

Where can one find this kind of love?

Nowhere but from Heaven above.

Doors open and doors close,

God has opened so many lately i dont know where to go!

Open doors with endless possibilities,

To serve Him and Him only!

I know He has and will continue to bless

I just pray that i dont let bad times get the best of me

I tend to get down easy

My spirit is set on nothing but pleasing

Everyone around me!

God is the only person i should worry about tho.

God is the only one being i should set my heart on.

Oh how i am blessed.

For God loves me so!

Oh how i am blessed,

God will never let me go!

I am in his hands! I am in his safety!

Praise His name! His is so great!

For he blesses without fail

He comforts without fail!

Good, Bad, and the Ugly

You ask me what i feel

And i can’t tell you now

Because i change my mind, Like the wind

You should know by now

That somehow I, have more than words to say

But they always change

Indecisive plays in games

You ask me what i feel

And i cant tell you now

It is too soon to tell

How far i will get from here

If i continue down this path

I wonder if i will regret

Or maybe not I wont know until then

You ask me what i feel

And i cannot tell you now

I been fighting myself

Trying to learn how

To move on from my mistakes

fighting long and hard All the way

And im too the point Words cant explain

So dont bother asking me!

You ask me how i deal

With all this in my head

I said I dont know how but sometimes i want to be dead

Instead, of alive because Death is quick

But misery is long

And i cant keep going on

Life is way too hard

And when it isnt easy we give up

You ask me what do i feel

Well I don’t really know right now

I just keep making plans and i hope that somehow

That i accomplish them

And get motivation

To change the world

To make it a better place

At least not for them but me

Because we all gotta fight for ourselves

And no one will save you but yourself

You ask me what do i feel

Well i think i know now

This world is unbalanced and it wont balance itself

We gotta experience to be smarter

Stronger And wiser

Consider the factors that decipher

Where we will be in the future

gotta live life fuller

With good, bad, and ugly

I can make this life worth living

with the good bad and ugly

I can make life what i want it to be

With the good bad and ugly

I can change the world without it changing me

I can make my reality

With the Good bad and ugly

Only

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Love Is Never Enough

We spend our time working hard just to catch another dollar

We push loved ones to the side just for our names to get larger

Gotta push another person farther

Gotta make a safe distance

Gotta make sure they dont know me Isolation is never enough,

Solitary it really dont get us enough

Time alone; is a cherished time

Because there is no one to look you in the eyes

Or see the many times you cry

No one will ever know you lied

Remember that one time you said you were just fine

But really inside, you were dying to not cry

Trying to force them tears back and lie

Care so much of them and what they think you wear a disguise

Cake it on like makeup and change your looks, you die inside your demise

Make sure no one will ever read your hook

And truly find the meaning of why you say that  its never enough

People in this world become so cold and

nothing can warm them up

Only the feeling of being loved

and cherished

But once that feeling fades,

back to the cold familiar place

I spent all this time tryna be a people pleaser

but it aint do nothing for me but made me

lose some of me

I always cared to much of what others say

Too much of what others think

And i needed long ago to learn my do’s and donts

I needed to find in myself what others wont

And i wish i didnt fall so hard to all these fakes who dont

Care about what i deserve and about my wellbeing

i will sacrifice and be giving so much

Circumstances in every hurt doesnt really matter

Because whats past is past and its never enough

It will never be enough

For you to try and please everyone

all the love, doesnt really last and it aint enough

It aint enough

You can love so hard it cant be mistaken

And it aint enough

You can try to trust all you want

It wont be enough

But in the back your head it will be thoughts you dont want

Because trust isnt real in the world anymore

Stay poppin them pills and rollin it up

Hoping to numb the pain, aint never sobbered up enough

Its not enough

Why stay in this world when the pain is so mucht to bare

Why stay alive for someone you love, when they are hurting with you

Just as much

That cant be reason enough

Little

Little do they know i think of them daily

little do they know i pray for them daily

little to they know i care for them still

little do they know that i miss them still

little do they know i look at their pictures

little do they know i have had nightmares of loosing them forever

little do they know i do actually love them

little do they know…

 

do they even understand?

i feel if they did, they wouldn’t hold me at a distance

i feel they would at least hold a phone call for more than 3 minutes

little do they know, they have hurt me

little do they know that they have hurt themselves the most tho

not i,

not i.

 

damage has been done from both sides

not just mine, little do they know.

little do they know i am not struggling as bad as they wished i would

little do they know, i am happier than i was back then

that isnt to say i dont miss them

i wish things didnt happen the way they did.

i look back and wish they had just accepted him.

accepted my life, my love. who i was…

but tradition stepped in the way.

taking

words out of context

abusing them

throwing words around like dirt in the air

causing me to sputter and cough

burning my eyes, from the tears that resulted

as i would go to sleep at night wishing things were different

wishing that they would just see things from my view

little do they know, i was struggling so much internally

suicidal thoughts were prevalent, like i was out of my mind.

i hated life

i wanted to waste life and be wasted

drunk

escape

thats what i attempted that one time… little do they know

i drank to escape. i was miserable little do they know

little do they know, i came back, with more apathy than i can even explain

little do they now, he, my love, was the reason i got better.

encouragement daily he gave me. telling me to keep in trying

negativity should be ignored

let it roll off of me…

i struggled. boy i did. i still do at times

 

all my life i been susceptible to critical negativity

not intentionally, but it did affect me

it did make me what i was

stressing constantly about relatively everything…

but

i realize that that isnt the way life should be lived

fearing anything and everything

because if something is perfect, then it is wrong

and if its wrong, then disaster could happen…

that kind of thinking is what got me where i was

 

i was ready to give up… matter of fact i did

i gave up completely

i decided never to try again. ever

little do they know…

 

But little do they know, my well-being was saved by him.

he led me to the One above who saved me and made me whole…

he led me to the right path again.

and once i fell, hard, i knew he was the one.

not just because of the attention, little do they know

not just because of the sweet words he spoke, little do they know…

but because of the example he set for me, the model i wanted to be

a strong person

a faithful person

someone who desires God’s will for their life…

i wanted that. i fell in love with that… little do they know

little do they know, i was attracted from the start.

before i even knew him, before i even gave him a chance…

when i would talk about him, negatively, influenced by negativity around me there…

i allowed myself to get sucked in. follow the crowd and speak their language…

little do they know, before i was taken, i noticed him, above all.

attraction at the first, but it didnt go anywhere for i was distracted with a more forward one, that through their eyes was a better guy

well, little do they know, he wasnt by far

worst mistake of my life… little do they know.

 

but they wouldnt know

i never would let them

for one thing would lead to another and i couldnt trust them

they would force the issue

force things their way in MY life

so i unfortunately had to take matters into mine own hands

and here i am…

reaping what we all sowed

little do they know.

it isnt just me

that sowed this seed.

Pessimism or Realism??

image

I am not a pessimistic person.
I am a realist.
Even though the bad spots and blemishes are the first thing i notice,
I cant help but see things for what they actually are,
I can follow up with what is polished and pretty,
And i can point out the picture’s good qualities,
but you most likely will never see me point them out first.
being realistic here,
there is no such thing as optimism
its more like oblivion
optimists can be liars
lying to themselves
saying its better than what it really is
and pessimism
that another issue
there is no such thing
they are liars as well
saying things are worse than they are
How can someone be completely open to the fact that what is truly bad
Can be turned into good?
Likewise,
How can someone be completely close minded
To what is good and positive?
This world needs some balance.
We need some smarter people.
Come on, think
Unplug your ears, put your devices down,
Open your eyes and mind to what is around.
Understand that you are not the only human being in the world,
Stop acting like the world is against you
Stop acting like the world isn’t full of wickedness
Don’t be ignorant to reality
There are good things
There are bad things
The truth hurts
We live on
Life is what it is
So move on

Eighteen

Eighteen.
Some people think freedom.
Freedom of an adult…ahh…freedom…
Nice right?
Wrong.
I’m not one if these people who think once you’re eighteen
Its time to party
And move out…no.
I actually think responsibility,
Career,
Maturity…
I think of things that are nerve wrecking.
I’m kind of a pessimist, so bear with me,
But this is what I’m thinking…
College.
I think “freedom” isn’t gonna happen anytime soon for me,
Because I’m not through yet with my schooling.
If I go to college I have more of a chance of prosperity.
Family.
I am assuming
That here soon I will meet who God has for me, (God willing…)
And its exciting!
And its not normal for me to be sappy
But I can’t wait for love,
And who God has for me!
He will sweep me off my feet,
And tell me how much he adores me,
And tell me how much he loves me,
And hugs me warmly and tightly,
And kisses me softly,
Oh, that would be lovely…
And a family.
Little childrens running around my cottage-style dream house
And of course we’d have a puppy!
Now that’s enticing!
But enough of the dreaming.
There will be time for that tonight.
I need to focus on what will affect me in the future of my life.
So back to the daily stresses
Ever since I turned eighteen…

My Poetry

My heart is like a rose petal
Soft and delicate to the touch
Rare and effulgent and overflowing with love
But as I lay here agazed
At this open page
I second guess writing about love and kindness
This society lacks so much of it
If I were to write about it
It’s unrealistic
I like to face things head-on
Straight, to-the-point and blunt
I like to be the one to smack people’s faces
And tell them to wake up
My poetry is a little more than some language of love
My poetry is like a spotlight that exposes what people cover up
All this “treasure” or should I say fool’s gold is what people need to dig up
Put aside all foolish things
Don’t look behind at immature flings
And one more last thing…
This may not be one of my “top rated” poems
It make not be accepted, liked, or even read
But I needed to get that out of my head
And I feel better now that I said what I said.