Tag Archives: me

Grey Space

Think deep

 

Long and hard

 

Imagine.

That you are in a grey space, nothing but time can fill

And even time, can not even fill this space.

It is never ending.

 

This space is your mind.

 

Now take this space and fill it.

With actions every day.

But not just any daily occurrence, but only the hurt and pain you been through.

 

Fill this space, your mind, this time with only the most hurtful moments in your life.

 

Anytime you were bullied, verbally or physically,

Anytime you were backstabbed.

Lied to.

Fired from a job.

Homeless… anything in your life that you wish never happened,

You wish you could redo it over.

Anything that breaks your heart to the point of the most deepest sorrow…

 

Now imagine, a small square about the size of a penny in this space.

This very large never ending space of pure hell…

 

That penny size square is all the happiness you can think of in your life.

Now, you know that penny is much bigger, but in your mind, in this space you are trapped in it appears so small..

 

Welcome to my mind.

 

The place that i cannot think of anything happy,

The space that i cannot think of anything to be thankful for because i cannot see past the negativity in my life.

 

I cannot see past the bad spots,

The jealousy,

The hurt,

The change of everything in life.

 

I dont even recognize myself anymore,

I dont know what to do with myself.

 

With no desire to live but no motivation to end life, i live in this space, and waste time.

Just waiting for the day that it all ends….

 

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Self

Being alone has become more and more accepted

I think when I finally find a good friend I won’t even accept it

I won’t want or need it because by then,

Being alone will be just enough to satisfy my self.

So, goodbye others

Hello, self

Time for me to be happy alone, because to be honest,

There is no body else.

I have my husband, and when he is gone I am lonesome,

But only his presence captivates me and makes me happy 🙂

I could be with him 24/7 and never tire.

Others however, well, let’s just say I do tire.

After 30 minutes I’m ready to leave.

After an hour I am annoyed.

And after two hours I am good for a month (time to silence the ringtone and start ignoring calls)

That is if I get calls…

So self, hello to a new me. Being happy with my own company. My own silence. No noise.

No arguing. No laughter. No shouting. No clapping. Running. Falling. Playing games. Just me, my self, and I.

Welcome, self.

The life of being alone constantly begins. Until I find a substitute for this loneliness, I am quite fine with my self.

Hurt enough

I guess I can never hurt enough

Never hurt enough for you to care enough

Never enough for you to realize to pain you bring upon me.

To me.

In me.

I could die any moment and that is when you care.

But while I am breathing you are unaware,

That I cry on the daily.

I just never let you see,

Why should I?

I don’t need sympathy.

I do t want your pity.

I don’t need anything, just empathy,

Maybe show you care a little more?

I am never good enough. I always have room for improvement, like us all of course, but for me? It’s worse.

I’m sorry I made you mad, I’m sorry I am not enough,

Im sorry that I am sensitive,

I’m sorry I cry,

I’m sorry that I ask too much of you, I’m sorry that I don’t meet your standards of what you deem ok, I’m sorry, ok?? I’m sorry.

I just wanted to take something on my shoulders, handle an adult situation and it blew up in my face.

And you were angry with me.

What you said to me hurt me, and what huts me even more, you don’t care.

You know what you said.

You know how it would be taken,

You know that I would be upset,

And you are not mistaken.

I broke down today at work.

Life is taking me out quick.

To be honest I wouldn’t mind if it ended, I would be in a better place. 

In peace.

And I wouldn’t have to worry if I meet your needs.

Fun

When can I have fun?

When will it be I am the one who goes out with friends??

I’m lonely and not even looking for a friend.

What is the point?

Just so they can hurt me against and again?

Just so I can think we will be best of friends and it will never end?

What a lie.

Why would I lie to myself, that will never​ happen.

No one thinks I meet their standards.

I’m not cool enough.

But it’s whatever,

Let me drown in a sea of hopelessness

Let me suffocate in a lonely estate.

I have a mate and a companion,

But it doesn’t even matter.

If it did, I wouldn’t feel this way.

I want to feel

To FEEL important

Not just be told, but to believe.

I want someone to express their love for me constantly

Maybe that’s annoying

Maybe even rediculous…

I am rediculous

I am weird

I am a needy insecure person

That is who I am

And I am not changing anytime soon.

Why should I?

It’s not like changing for people has helped this far…

It’s not like puting myself last in situations helped much.

When can I have fun??

I want to live and be able to go out with friends,

Party, eat, be merry and play..
Not in a bad way,

I never said I would whore around,

I wouldn’t even venture to drink, smoke or do drugs…

I just want innocent fun.

Innocent trips to the beach, park, skating, bowling, shopping, eating, you know…

Escapades 

People my age make.

I can cry but no one heard or sees me,

So what’s the point anymore.

I am tired of wasting my emotions.

I feel I am reaching an emotionless state.

Is that bad?

Well, if it is, so sad.

Time For Me To Fly…

This is where I begin. 

This is where we end

Cease fire

Hold back

Clip

Pull the trigger.

Blow.

Blown.

Blown opportunity.

I told you to back off!

I said to respect my decision!

I said respect my heart’s desires. 

Understand where my happiness lies,

And what do you do???

Ignore.

Boom.

Blow up.

Immancipate

Yes. You assassinated

Any relationship we had gained back

Just leave me alone

Don’t talk to me.

I can’t even look at you, I can’t even talk to you

I can’t even think about you!!

I will blow a fuse.

Say exactly what I don’t mean,

Lose my testimony.

Lose my dignity and maturity.

I was the bigger person.

Not you.

Age is nothing but a number. Don’t be so ignorant.

Dummy.

Think I don’t know what you think?

I heard enough. And I still cut it short.

I heard it all, and you never finished your thoughts.

You think little before you speak, same as I.

But the difference is I left just in time.

I won’t be coming back for a while.

This time you couldn’t make me leave,

I left by choice, because​your words stabbed me

I had to go to my hospital.

My love.

Who actually loved me enough to mend hurt and pain.

I don’t need you.

This is where I begin.

This is where we end!

My Independence shall glow up

My Independence shall glow up!

My dependency falls by the wayside,

And we part ways.

Stay on your side.

Don’t come in my Lane.

Stay away from me, keep your mouth to yourself.

Focus on your own problems

Worry about your own life.

Leave me be.

It’s time for me to fly…

Changed

“I am what i am because of the One who changed me.

I am what i am because i wanted to be freed.

I am what i am, because my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, died to save me.

I have only him to thank for forgiving me and fighting for me.

And now i have a journey ahead of me.

I have a long road to better myself, for Him and also for me.

To show others what Christ can do in their lives…

So that one day 

They can say,

I am what i am, because of the One who changed me…”

Sheikra

Katy Perry’s Firework and the smell of popcorn were in the air. Along with about 100 conversations. Standing in a frozen state, thinking about the mistake I was about to make, I was terrified and shaking. I didn’t know if I was sweating from fear or from the hot Florida’s summer heat. I was about 15 years old, and somehow survived without having been on one in my entire life. I wouldn’t. And no one could make me, because I was too much afraid to strap myself in a cart of death. But here I was. Listening to a supposed friend convince me I would be fine, and that I should conquer my fear with him. “Come on, you will be fine! And you won’t regret it! you will thank me afterwards. You watch and see,” He said as he grabbed my arm and led me into the waiting line. “Ok….” was all I could manage to say. A part of me hated him at that moment for low-key forcing me to do this. To ride this God-forsaken rollercoaster. Shiekra… “You know, I heard they call it Shiekra because so many people ‘shriek’ on it…” I wanted to deck him in the face, because I knew he was trying to scare me more, but I refrained. I remember that was the fastest moving hour-long line I had ever been in. It felt like only 10 minutes went by and I was about to get on it. “You want the front?” he asked me. “Whichever is least scary” he just gave me this twisted smirk and led me to the front row. I didn’t pull away or anything. It was all I could do to walk steady. I sat down in a wet seat… and I realized it hadn’t rained that day. “Did I seriously just sit in someone’s piss?” The lady checking my buckle laughed and said “you wouldn’t be the first one…” I couldn’t help but wonder why anyone would be so stupid as to let themselves get on a ride with a full bladder. But then I realized I had a full bladder, and now… I was that idiot.

I heard the buckles clicking and people starting to whistle and yell ‘woohoo!’… You idiots this is our death sentence! Please shut up and let me die in quiet, ‘cause Lord knows it won’t be peaceful. I was tensed up and gritting my teeth so bad my jaw started to hurt. Obviously my friend saw me, “You need to relax. Take a deep breath-“

“Relax???? You expect me to relax!? This is my first rollercoaster ever and you want me to relax. You need to shut up before I punch you!” he just laughed at me as the floor began to lower. I checked my feet to make sure my shoes couldn’t possibly come off. Of course if I was dying, what would that matter?

The cart swung forward and like any typical rollercoaster and began ascending in the air. I looked down… heights never bothered me before. But being strapped in this thing? I was terrified thus more. And there it was. The drop. The first one anyway. The cart reached its climax and just as it was slowly starting to descend, it stopped. Keep in mind, I am in the front. Hanging over the edge like a thrill-seeker, only… I was not a thrill seeker. “You ready?” he thought he was helping me by asking if I was ready. I couldn’t wait to get off so I could smack him into the next week. “No I am not ready. I can’t believe you got me to get on thi-“, my sentence was cut short and I was falling. Racing down the 45 degree angled drop. “HOOLLLYYY SSSHH*****!!!! AAHHHHHH!!!”  I screamed louder than my I thought my vocal chords could handle.

The ride didn’t last long. Two flips. And two ridiculous drops. I screamed the whole time and managed to cuss for the first time out loud, and I have no doubt Obama heard me from the White House. Then it was over. People were getting off, and more were racing to get on. I felt like I was in slow motion after moving so fast. “Well did you like it?” it took me a few seconds to process the question. “Um… yeah. Wanna go again!??” I loved it! And if it wasn’t for a friend convincing me to conquer my fear of rollercoasters, I would possibly still be afraid to ride little kiddy rides at Disney.