Addiction

How is it that it controls my being?
Why is it that I can’t survive a day without it?
Why is it so much a part of me?
Like it’s my heartbeat
A required part for my breathing
I dread the days it leaves me
Gasping for air
Heaving
It is my drug
If it dissipates
Withdrawals run through my veins
It’s in my blood
It is a part of my soul
It is me
It completes me and makes me whole
It soothes my anger
It calms me in disaster
It takes me away when I don’t want to live any longer
It pumps me up when times are rough and I need a boost
What would I do?
Without this addiction?
My mood may never be soothed,
Smoothed,
Renewed…
From the ruffles
And struggles
That form over time
That come into my life
When I am overcome with the nostalgia of the past
Things I don’t want to remember that can’t be taken back
Things that I wish never crossed my mind
And things that I know will fade over time
But I can’t help but relinquish the fact it can’t be taken back
And that regret and pain is where it’s at
That’s where the struggles are
It’s from those things that I have my scars
And even though I am bound by chains of penance
This thing
This addiction
Cures it
It makes me forget why I relent it
But it is a temporary heal
It only last for a few minutes
So the need for more and more of this drug
Has become more and more a necessity
I can’t stop now
It is a part of me
And I wish that others can see
That I am not crazy
And this thing isn’t a monste
It is something that I am attached to
Like a bear cub and its mother
When predators attack and that cub is hurt
That mother comes and violently kills all the perverts
That spit at the cub
And give their hate speech
Leaving that cub to fall on its back
Losing a grip of the earth under its feet
When will it end?
All the torment
When will I live again?
Without having to shoot this drug into my body
When will I breathe again?
Without a cord running into me
When will I begin to be happy? When?
When!?
Today?
No.
Today is gone and over with?
Tomorrow?
No. I am too addicted
Next week?
Next month?
Next year?
When?
Never…
Because that drug is what keeps me alive

Restored

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I was hoping this would be easier

But it is harder than swallowing a serrated knife to force these words out of my mouth

It’s like I can’t speak

Speechless

It’s like I can’t breathe

Breathless

It’s like I can’t move

Frozen

When our eyes first met time stopped

And we looked into each other’s souls

What I found about you

You found about me

After we stared into each other’s eyes deeply

Was that we were a broken piece

We were not a whole

We were like

A frame without the picture

A door without the handle

A drum without a beat

A living people who couldn’t breathe

We were hopeless and ending in despair

We had nothing to lose

Because nothing had been gained

Except pain

But all that soon changed

When you took one step

And I followed the lead and took one also

We walked toward each other

As if hypnotized to do so

We were lost in the crowd

But found ourselves in each other’s eyes

Who knew that one glance at a person could change a person’s life

What I saw in you was the same hurt that I had inside

And I knew that you were the one I needed in my life

We connected in a way that I never thought possible

And when it was time to depart felt the unimaginable

I felt hope again

After losing the love of my life before

I thought I’d never get over him

But you revived me

And woke me up

I was restored

What If

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What if?

Don’t let someone determine the outcome of your life. Life knocks you down? You just get back up and move forward… A man once said, “Well what if that someone that knocked you down was the only thing you knew? And the only thing you knew wasn’t there to help you back up to your feet? Now your a changed person and it’s not a good change. Your heart is set to stone and the only place you know as home is the floor you sleep on at night. You feel like it’s the closes thing you have because your body is close to the floor.” Well where’s the man that told you life is going to knock you down, where is he now? Is he helping you back to your feet is he helping you move forward in your life. No he’s not. And sometimes the only faith you have and the only faith you believe in will leave you….. But what if this is a test? What if the man that told you “when life knocks you down to get back up”, hasn’t left your side and hasn’t forgot about you. What if, he’s seeing if your strong enough to go though the test that life gives you, even tho his people broke you down and made you feel like a misfit in this big world we call home?  What if? -by Brendan Fitzsimmons

This is one of my very best friends writing. He inspires me all the time and I hope this inspires you. He has a YouTube channel also. Subscribe to him! https://youtu.be/i-7c43cVFWQ

Mistake

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Okay

So you’ve had some rough times

So you’ve broken some bones and made some scars

Haven’t we all?

Some more than others

But ultimately it’s all the same

One may have more mistakes than another

But the other may have made a mistake that in their mind

Is the greatest mistake of all time

But really it’s not

Mistakes and mishaps are all equal in the Fathers eyes

Because he took the blow of all of our mistakes and he paid the ultimate price

He took the hit so that we could be free

So that we could let go and let God kill misery

But yet we still find ourselves in this prison called depression

We still find ourselves living in sorrow and pain because of things in the past

Nothing haunts a soul more than the past

And ever since that mistake you made your depression has progressed

Because it is something that can’t be given back

That funeral that you missed

That affair you had

That person you fell in love with

That tongue you used to back stab

That mind you used in a terrible way

Those feet you used to take you to a bad place

Those hands you used to turn thoughts into actions

Those eyes you used when you saw the reaction

Of the ones you loved hurt

They cried because of your dirt

You let them down

You tore them apart

Killed them inside

And watched them cry

But there was nothing you could do

You made the decision and didn’t think it through

If only you knew hindsight what would happen

You would have never even crossed that fence

You would’ve stayed in your small corner of happiness that lasted for only a short while

For when you grew older you began to taste independence

And you felt like you could handle it

Being on your own

Making decisions and being an adult

Well

Now you know

That being and adult is more than just making decisions and being ‘’free’’

You know now that being an adult is everything but free

You are held to a higher standard that is almost impossible to reach

People tell you can do this

You will get through it

But you beat yourself up and ignore their words of encouragement

You choose to stay in this holding cell that has you trapped

You are overwhelmed by the pain you hold inside

Like a piece of you is missing

You feel swamped with this burden that won’t leave your shoulders

Don’t let this control you anymore!

You have much more things to be thankful for

Than to be sullen and broken

Exemplifying your life has been stolen

By the devil himself

He has brought the memories back

Because he wants you to be upset

He doesn’t want you to move on

He wants you to back step

And relive your past

He gets a kick out of it

And you are letting him win!

Don’t let him have his way

Don’t let him tell you it’s not ok

And that it’s too late to resuscitate

Hand in hand I will help you through

I will drag you out of this hell pit you were thrown into

Smile

Know that you have your whole life in front of you

The time you are using now

To be empty inside

You could be using to better yourself

To further yourself and build yourself back up

You are not alone in this fight

I am here for you

And I’m not the only one

There are many others that also love you

And it doesn’t matter what things you do

We will forgive you

And we will still love you

And we will never give up on you

You can do this

You WILL get through it

And no matter how many times life throws things your way to bring you down

You will in the end wear the crown

This fight seems to be a losing battle

But the war isn’t over until your last breath

And when you collapse from exhaustion from the brutal beatings reality gives you

You will have a hand there waiting for you

So reach for it

Don’t doubt the strength in it

Because that hand isn’t the one who is fallen and can’t get up

That hand is your chance to get back up

But one day that hand will need someone to pick them up

Because everyone makes mistakes and needs help along the way

Will you be there when that hand needs you?

Or will you still be on the ground heaving

Don’t let this mistake get to you

Because one day

You will be needed to help someone who is going what you are going through

Scars

Often we forget the things we should meditate on

We focus on the negative and put aside positive thoughts

Life is taken out of us

Depression takes hold of us

The murder of our happiness

Has granted our request for sadness

Pain and misery is our go to

The innocence we once had as a child is no longer new

We don’t appreciate the pure minds we once had

We don’t realize that the ignorance is what we want back

It kept us from thinking about malevolent thoughts

The dreams we had are now forgotten

The magic we once believed in is now uncommon

The curious and mischievous minds we had as a child

Has turned into wicked desires and actions that are wild

But now we endure heartbreak

Growing up and maturing causes so much mental heartache

Falling in love is the epitome of depression

Love is supposed to cure that addiction

But it feeds it

And breeds it

Forcing it in our lives

Like the tears that pour out of our eyes

We can’t stop it

Once it comes it doesn’t stop

It ends when the pain is gone

Or until the pain scorches the soul to the point of going numb

They say time heals wounds

But wounds turn into scars and scars can’t be mended or healed

So why do they falsely state that scars are easily resealed

Scars are evil

They never sleep

They bring insomnia in our lives

They bring flashbacks of pain and strife

They make it impossible to forgive and harder to forget

They make it easy for your eyes to never rest

Tears never have a break

The wetness on your sleeves and pillows are no mistake

These scars do not allow a way of escape

They grab and clench your heart

Coil themselves around your rib cage and make themselves at home

Scars are similar to love

Both are very powerful

And both are controlling

They make it hard to hide what you are truly feeling

Both are everlasting

And both can make memories

The constant reminder in our mind of things we did, thought, or said

Haunt us day and night

Ways we could’ve done things different

Ways we could’ve made things better

Ways to avoid having to beg for a second chance

And ways to forget when it isn’t given

Why do scars and love have to be so strong?

Why can’t we forgive and forget and just move on?

Why is it impossible for some and easy for others?

Why do scars exist?

I often wonder…

Moving On

Everything you’ve gone through

It’s all behind you

Its past

But no matter how hard you try to let it go

You can’t take it back

If only you knew the time you are wasting

You are blind to the fact that happiness is right in front of your eyes

Right beyond a closed door

But you notice the door is locked

So you don’t even try to find the key to unlock it

The key is moving on

Forgetting what is holding on

But you choose to stay in this cloud

This sink hole is your home now

The light is too far out of your sight

Darkness is what appears to be your only comfort at night

You cry at what things could’ve been

You beg a god to save your heart from further breaking

But this god fails

Prayers seem to go no further than the ceiling

All the wet pillows and wet sleeves

Don’t seem to reach far enough for God to see

All these setbacks

All these panic attacks

All these stones thrown at me left and right

They weigh you down

They lay you out

Flat on the ground

Like a dough ball that’s lost its form

The numbness from pain has left your with no form

No feeling

Nothing

An empty hole in your heart

A piece is missing

The piece is your past

And you want it back

But it’s too much to ask

Know that all of this is to make you stronger

You may have lost the battles

But you will win the war

And I will provide the sword

I will help you thrust the dagger in the heart of your past

I will help you forget the pain

I will kill the demons that oppress you and haunt you at night

You cannot give up the fight

And am sure you won’t

You are strong

And you know you are

Because like we have heard many a time is

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

And your pain won’t last much longer

Stick it through

Your rest will come soon enough

And when it does

You will be glad you

You never gave up the fight

Why

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Why

Why do I have doubts?

Why do I cry sometimes?

For no reason whatsoever

Why do I want attention so much?

But hide in a corner when I receive it

Why when things are ok do I want things to go south again?

Why do I want a happy story to turn sad?

Why do I gravitate towards negativity?

Why do sad songs and minor chords satisfy my hunger and thirst?

Why is it that everything I set my eyes to an impossibility?

Why do I set my eyes so high when I know I may end in disappointment?

Why

Why do I do these things?

Why do I ask for an opinion and then do the opposite

Why do I say I’m ok when I’m not?

Why do I laugh when I don’t find something comical?

Why do I tell the truth when I know it will hurt someone?

Why do I hold my feelings so deep inside but grasp for everyone else’s

Why do want others to open up but I won’t open up to them

Why do I lock my heart in a box and throw away the key

Why am I afraid to expose my heart to my close ones?

Why

Why is music and poetry the only thing that speaks to me?

Why is music and poetry the only things that I care about?

Why is it that when I put myself last others allow it

Why is it that when I try so hard to fix people they don’t let me?

Why do I try when I know it is cut that can’t be mended

Why do I not give up when someone has been hurt so many times?

Why do I love the broken so much?

Why do I want to be with the ones who are depressed and hurt?

Why do I surround myself with blankets of sadness and pain?

Why do I allow myself to fall into an emotional state that I can’t be pulled out of without writing

Why do I do these things to myself?

Why do I allow myself to fall in love with ones who will never love me the same?

Why do to put forth that much effort

Why?

All 

This is a good friend of mine. He has some AMAZING stuff. Follow him! You won’t be disappointed.

The Voiceless Heart

Ayeee! My nigga made it, so we all made it!

I have never heard a more ignorant statement

The fact that this social group is so content with being complacent

Only feeding the stereotype in that we’re the lesser of the races

Whatever happened to racing to the finish

Whatever happen to effacing status quos

And being erratic about your goals

Instead of sitting at home on Twitter getting trolled

And phone up an institution

One that’ll help you break the chain

I’m tired of black america having ignorant in its name

Aye, I’m angry all the same, but we can’t shift all the blame

Because not all of it is false

Because I don’t speak white, I’m educated

And I’m not an advocate of races

But our skin color makes the name of the painting

I can’t help how I’ve been painted

But I can change how they interpret

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