Ever So Often

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

 

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

 

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

 

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

 

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

 

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

 

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

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My 49 thank you’s 

Thank you,

For not being what they thought you were

For stealing my heart and repaying it with yours

For loving me no matter

For caring

For never letting a day go by without saying ‘I love you’

For proving my doubts wrong time and time again

For being what I need to you to be

For lifting me up when I am lonely

For being my friend when no one else calls me

For loving me so well I can never want anything more

(Only more and more of what you give)

For providing for me

For kissing me

For hugging me and holding me

For never letting another man walk over me

For being my rock

For being my safe Haven

For being my comfort and peace 

For calming me down

For hyping me up

For bringing me laughter

For your love for God

For your drive to do better

For your motivation to take me highest

For making me happy

For striving to be a man after God’s own heart

For being the husband a wife is not deserving of

For humbling yourself enough to marry me

For putting me before everyone else

For putting me before everything else

For letting nothing come between us

For keeping my spirits up when I feared we would never see each other again

For coming miles just to see me an hour or two

For all the things you plan to do

For my first Valentine’s day with you

For the bears, chocolates, heart’s, and kisses

For a love that still blazes on

For smiling when I’m happy

For granting my wishes

For being all you are

For answering every phone call

For texting me every possible moment you miss me

For spending time with me anytime possible

For putting your friends aside and putting me first

For putting them in their place when they said things about me

Thank you for all you do and will do

Thank you for changing for me

Thank you for making me so important to you that changing a few things about yourself is nothing

For your continuous love,

Thank you.

The Cure

alive and well is the beast in this land

this cursed land, in which we dwell.

ignorance is bliss, we say

but the knowledge of such danger is necessity.

 

preying and feasting

on all the living and breathing,

no matter what

we hold ourselves accountable.

 

when we face the beast and lose all our strength

“where is the hand?” we say,

when things don’t go our way.

when trials come,

desperation seeks

for the risen help our souls need.

but shall it grant the favor?

bestow grace on the ungrateful fakes?

God help us.

lord have mercy on us

for asking in time of need,

but giving a blind eye,

turning the cold shoulder

when life is just fine…

we all deserve the worst.

hell at its finest is all too good for me.

i deserve the bottom of the pit

even when it cant be reached.

i should go there.

dwell there.

 

i deserve the worst.

but then came the blood!

thicker than any other!

stronger than any antidote!

the Cure.

the thing that saves…

 

the desperate and wicked,

this cure is the salvation of the beast

and his venom.

the poison it injects in each and every victim…

but i wont be that victim any longer!

 

for the blood that was spilt offered me more than a death sentence!

but a life sentence!

to freedom in eternal love,

and hope,

peace and joy.

 

the one thing that the beast is vulnerable,

the Blood

the Cure.

Kiss

image

“I got that good numbing pain, my dear,
Its called a kiss
Of love and passion”

When something hits you so good you fall so hard but yet feel nothing
You just float back up on the sky
Gravity ceases to exist
And you rise above the clouds
Higher
You are numb to everything
But yet feel everything so deeply
A kiss
Embraced.
Tightly.
And looking up to you and you
Grabbing my face – gently but manly-
And kissing me passionately.
Soft, and genuine.
Intense
And powerful
Biting softly
Aggressive
But loving
Deep
And tasteful
One step further and I would surely fall back
But again
Float
Butterflies will escape my body
And I would be left with nothing but a kiss

Cancer Patient

I am a cancer patient
With no biological family.
I have no acceptance
From others my age socially.
And sadly
They often pick fun at me…

I have no hair and I am frail
I spend much time in what feels like jail
But its just a hospital
The place I seek help
I get therapy there to further my health

I have a rough life,
But the doctors are nice,
And they truly care when I cry.
Its been two years of taking this treatment,
And fighting these demons, that try to keep me down;
But since I trust
In God above
I will smile and never frown.
Because he loves me
And he died for me and he’s kept me alive thus far
So I will strive to fight
With all my might
Until He take me home!

Genuine Love

Embraced with love that binds my heart
Making all bad thoughts in my mind depart
The touch of your hand makes it all go away
And makes me want to live another day.

The gentle kiss that says “I love you so”
And the hug that hold me very close
And the voice you use to mesmerize me
All make me want to loudly sing.

If ever a place that I should die
In your arms held very tight
Held so that I’ll never go
And nothing can take me, because you protect me.

Make me the only one
And provide me with security
And never let someone
Speak to me unkindly

These things you do
Give me the proof to see
That you are all I’ve ever wanted
And all I’ll ever need.