Tag Archives: sad

How Can It Be?

How can it be that i am still not on top

On top of life

On top of myself

 

How can it be that i am dead last

Everyone has passed

Lap after lap

 

How can it be i am never understood

Maybe because no one could possibly relate to my pain

 

My heartache is only my own,

Sometimes i wonder if ever God can understand…

 

So how can it be that i am so alone?

Despite the loneliness i know i have someone here.

 

I have my God, and my husband.

But why do i still feel this way?

 

How can it be that i feel like the only person in the world

Even tho there are millions of people here

Even tho i pass hundreds daily….

 

How can it be?

Advertisements

Ever So Often

I don’t know what to say anymore.

I feel constantly heartbroken and depressed,

Happy and in love,

Then heartbroken and depressed.

 

Life is full of ups and downs but how is it possible to have more downs than ups?

 

My valley is getting deeper.

Darker.

More alone.

More distant.

I don’t know how to stop this.

Five people will try to pull me up and make little progress, then one person can come and blow the slightest and i am further than when they started.

I just want to be able to help myself.

I want to be strong. What people need me to be. For myself. For them. For God…

 

I say i don’t want much in life, but it seems as tho the one thing that i desperately want right now is so much.

Too much in fact.

Too much to deliver.

I will be patient for it because i don’t have a choice, but i fear that this valley i am in is the only thing keeping me from my desire.

 

I beg for God to relieve me of this hunger.

To strip away my desire for this one thing…

But to no avail.

Is this a test?

Have i been forgotten?

I feel as tho i will never be heard.

 

The ceiling is so thick that He will never hear me cry.

The altar is a place my pride withholds me, but i go but ever so often to weep and feel You.

Where were You tonight?

A stranger held me close when i felt most alone.

Was she You in disguise?

She said “if you ever need to talk then call me…”

 

Those words could’ve been metaphorically You.

You say to talk to You, but i have given up and lost hope, for when i do i don’t hear anything but myself…

Please.

Talk to me!

I feel so alone right now and i need You with me 😦

Not even my husband comforts me anymore.

I long for Your presence.

I want peace.

I want Your peace.

Not from man.

I don’t want to go to man anymore for advice and comfort.

Only You.

Strictly You.

Come Home, Please?

And i can still feel your lips
That last time before you left.
You gently resting your strong hands on my waist and hugging me
Your strength is what helped me say good bye.

By far the biggest decision i ever made was being with you
And now the biggest decision as of now is being apart from you.
I cant sleep well again.
For you calmed the storms that flooded my mind.
My nightmares come and go, but no one can help calm them in this cold bed.

I slept with more layers than normal to stay warm.
Its cold.
I miss your body heat.
I want to hug you so bad right now.
Kiss you.
Hold your hand.
I want to take you to work.
I want to pick you up, as you walk to the car with this smile that says “i love my baby”
But i cant. And wont.
For a while.
This short time will be the longest in my mind.

I cant bare to think of another night without you, but i must learn to live with that thought.

I thought getting up early would be hard,
But i see it wont be, for i cannot sleep.
I love you
And i miss you…
Please come home soon. 😦

Write

You never write for me anymore…

Have you lost inspiration from me?

Do I not inspire you anymore?

Am I boring​?

No longer at a distance so the love is different…

I see. 😦

I miss you writing for me. About me. To me. With me.

I miss it.

It breaks my heart I don’t cover your mind enough to be written about…

You know I love it!

You know it makes me smile.

So why?

Write for me my love, I beg for your words of encouragement and romance to light my day.

To lighten my nights!

Give me something to sleep on to make me have the best of dreams.

I need help, I need your writings…

Please my love, write.

Alone

I always am alone

No one to talk to

But what’s weird is when I get around people, I want to go home and be alone…

So why do I feel so lonely?

Company doesn’t appeal to me.

People betray,

People hate,

People lie, and back stab…

I can’t trust anyone,

And every time​I do I get hurt.

Maybe that is why I don’t want company.

Maybe that is why I don’t want Friends..

But at the same time I do, I want Friends.

So which is it?

I don’t even know.

Do I want friends? And risk getting hurt over and over again like always…

Or do I want to be alone, like I always feel. Always have felt. And come to think of it, when I have friends, it lasts for such a short time, that I still feel lonely. Probably because I know that they aren’t there for me. 

Probably because I know that in only a matter of time they will drop me.

Forgive me for this self pity,

But I am saddened by the fact I can’t keep anybody…

And I don’t want to. I am afraid to. 

I am deathly afraid of being alone, but

I am Also terrified of being with others.

I feel perplexed, and I am lost for words of how to explain it other than I am lonely.

Fun

When can I have fun?

When will it be I am the one who goes out with friends??

I’m lonely and not even looking for a friend.

What is the point?

Just so they can hurt me against and again?

Just so I can think we will be best of friends and it will never end?

What a lie.

Why would I lie to myself, that will never​ happen.

No one thinks I meet their standards.

I’m not cool enough.

But it’s whatever,

Let me drown in a sea of hopelessness

Let me suffocate in a lonely estate.

I have a mate and a companion,

But it doesn’t even matter.

If it did, I wouldn’t feel this way.

I want to feel

To FEEL important

Not just be told, but to believe.

I want someone to express their love for me constantly

Maybe that’s annoying

Maybe even rediculous…

I am rediculous

I am weird

I am a needy insecure person

That is who I am

And I am not changing anytime soon.

Why should I?

It’s not like changing for people has helped this far…

It’s not like puting myself last in situations helped much.

When can I have fun??

I want to live and be able to go out with friends,

Party, eat, be merry and play..
Not in a bad way,

I never said I would whore around,

I wouldn’t even venture to drink, smoke or do drugs…

I just want innocent fun.

Innocent trips to the beach, park, skating, bowling, shopping, eating, you know…

Escapades 

People my age make.

I can cry but no one heard or sees me,

So what’s the point anymore.

I am tired of wasting my emotions.

I feel I am reaching an emotionless state.

Is that bad?

Well, if it is, so sad.

Time For Me To Fly…

This is where I begin. 

This is where we end

Cease fire

Hold back

Clip

Pull the trigger.

Blow.

Blown.

Blown opportunity.

I told you to back off!

I said to respect my decision!

I said respect my heart’s desires. 

Understand where my happiness lies,

And what do you do???

Ignore.

Boom.

Blow up.

Immancipate

Yes. You assassinated

Any relationship we had gained back

Just leave me alone

Don’t talk to me.

I can’t even look at you, I can’t even talk to you

I can’t even think about you!!

I will blow a fuse.

Say exactly what I don’t mean,

Lose my testimony.

Lose my dignity and maturity.

I was the bigger person.

Not you.

Age is nothing but a number. Don’t be so ignorant.

Dummy.

Think I don’t know what you think?

I heard enough. And I still cut it short.

I heard it all, and you never finished your thoughts.

You think little before you speak, same as I.

But the difference is I left just in time.

I won’t be coming back for a while.

This time you couldn’t make me leave,

I left by choice, because​your words stabbed me

I had to go to my hospital.

My love.

Who actually loved me enough to mend hurt and pain.

I don’t need you.

This is where I begin.

This is where we end!

My Independence shall glow up

My Independence shall glow up!

My dependency falls by the wayside,

And we part ways.

Stay on your side.

Don’t come in my Lane.

Stay away from me, keep your mouth to yourself.

Focus on your own problems

Worry about your own life.

Leave me be.

It’s time for me to fly…

Missing Us

All I want right now is to lay my head on your chest, 

I am tired, lonely, I need to rest

But I can’t get the thought of how much I miss you out of my mind.

I feel we never spend any quality time…

Life has been pushing us around. Schedules have been controlling our life.

Family devotion I been working towards, but it seems one on one for more than 5 minutes is never an option.

I want to cry, but I am going to be strong…

Maybe my hormones are unbalanced, maybe there’s nothing wrong…

But I just miss you! I miss the times we used to have walking down the road. Hand in hand. 

Sitting on the grass watching the water.

You taking pictures of me, even tho I didn’t really like it… 

I miss it.

I want to go back to it.

The newness I guess has worn off, and I am left missing you…

Missing us. 

Try

​Don’t tell me that you are ok

And don’t say your fine, it was only one time.

We both know that you will keep going back to it.

You are controlled, like a puppet.

You are dependent on it

You crave it,

And give in time and time again…

You say it’s harder than you think and use that as an excuse,

To give up

Never try…

That’s why you lose.

How are you supposed to ever become stronger if you never fight

And never have faith in the only thing that will defeat the hardest battles?

I don’t think you care.

I don’t think you want anything different…

You attract nightmares.

Clammy. Waking up in the middle of the night crying. Shaking. Begging God to erase the visions.

You have withdrawals and use wine and alcohol to help you cope.

If you life is so happy why do you have to escape?

Why not be sober?

Soak up the moment?

It’s because you are miserable. But you are addicted to misery.

And you want to change. But you don’t. 

You are at war and in conflict about what life you want.

Heartache and pain is addicting…

And true happiness seems to take work.

So you stop trying.

Enough

Am i good enough?
A question that haunts my every thought…

Every day i wonder if i am what you always wanted. 

Am i good enough?

For you?

I never feel like i am… i guess that’s where my insecurity reaches out to infinity.
So am i?

Am i enough?

Do you have to look elsewhere to another to feed your fantasies?

To meet your standards?

Do i meet your desires?

Grant them with one wish if i could.

I beg to God i am sufficient. 

That i am enough.

That me as a person, growing each day, is enough for you.
I make mistakes.

I say stupid things…

But is it too late? 

To ask, am i enough?

Was i enough for a while and now empty?

Do i fill the void you have?

Am i enough?

Is what i have… enough?

😦

I hope you aren’t pretending.