Secure Me

when will i try enough
i say i do, but it doesn’t show.

only the stresses in my head let me know

i care,

but the efforts i have cease to reflect anything of the sort

no one sees

nor understands my pain

i am hurting so much inside because i have yet to become anything more than just a girl

a girl who cant live outside of home and work

do i even meet up to standards and wishes of those i love?

no.

at least not the ones who said they would always love me.

 

and i often wonder:

why is it always the struggle of love

not even lusts,

but love.

the feeling that you are wanted and deserved instead of forgotten and irrelevant

and part of me wants to believe they still love me

for more than an obligation…

they are obligated to talk to me, or respond anyway

i push things and fall

pushing on a weightless object and i fall hard.

 

and then the one i fought for,

i know the love is there, but…

my insecurity haunts me. so much

i cry!

why cant i just be secure!

not just know, but believe!

belief is so hard for me…

it requires trust and trust doesn’t come so easy…

anymore.

i don’t trust anyone or anything.

i have little to no faith and i have no idea where to go about finding it.

i pray for it, i ask for an open mind…

but i trained myself to shut that off.

fear over hope.

fear over trust.

fear over anything besides myself…

yet that’s the problem.

how can i even put faith in myself when i am weak and nothing but a girl.

i am nothing to trust

because

i don’t even believe in myself.

 

my biggest weakness has turned out to be myself.

i have no sense of security in knowing things will be okay,

i believe that God can do anything,

but “will he?” is the question…

that is my problem.

i don’t trust he will…

yet i know God has the best in mind.

i just don’t like letting go.

i want to be in control.

independent, i need help giving myself over to the right One.

the right person. the only one who will secure me.

 

The Common Bad

​How is it the thorns of the vine 

Are greater than the fruit

Far more important than the seeds of life

Far more abundant than riches of heavenly things.
I am choked and dry heaving 

On temporary things relieving

A craving

Please uphold Your spirit within me to surpass the common good!
The common good has become all too common

The common good has become all too bad.

The common good is nothing but bad.

Anything but good.

Lusts… the common bad.

Common man, sinful and deceitful.

And the cares of this world, the desires

They deceive even the greatest of deceivers.

We are receivers of our own deceit.
The common bad.

Liars to ourselves.

Thinking the common good is what we want,

We have misunderstood,

Snakes have lured us in.

Water moccasins

Cotton mouths

Sneaky Liars

We.
Lord restore within me anything but the common good. 

Anything but the common bad.

I don’t want anything common…

Give me a peculiar name.

The abnormal anomaly

Let me be an anomaly.

Alien to the common.

Because the common is the majority

And the majority follows.
Help me, Lord, see that being abnormal is normal in Your eyes.

And Your eyes are the only eyes i need to care about to be satisfied.

To be happy.

To be Yours.

Changed

“I am what i am because of the One who changed me.

I am what i am because i wanted to be freed.

I am what i am, because my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, died to save me.

I have only him to thank for forgiving me and fighting for me.

And now i have a journey ahead of me.

I have a long road to better myself, for Him and also for me.

To show others what Christ can do in their lives…

So that one day 

They can say,

I am what i am, because of the One who changed me…”

Strength By Weakness

Bring the rain.
Bring the pain and sorrow,
To make us stronger, and truly see your grace and mercy.
When all is well, and we live on not knowing
That what we have you gave.
You bestowed by the power of  your grace.
Its when we hit our darkest places, we truly see the light
Its when we have fallen so far, we finally give up the fight
Giving you the perfect moment to pull us up
To show us your grace and mercy
To show us your love
So here I am in a messy place
Here I am needing your mercy and grace.
So bring the rain
Bring the pain and sorrow,
Show me your grace and mercy
Give me strength by weakness

Good in Your Eyes

Lord, reveal yourself to me

in a way i cant escape it

Lord, bring your power in me

and give me the strength to let go

 

for if I fight im sure to fall

lord please take all of me

and God, I pray,

knowing that you stay,

I will never stray

 

for i am nothing

i am weak

i cant manage on my own

i need strength to carry on…

 

comfort me,

give me peace in life

help me be

something good in your eyes

Greater Than All Sin

Who is greater than all sin? Who will keep us from falling? Who supplies our every need? My God, your God,  our God in heaven.

His name is Jesus, our only salvation. He is powerful; He is the great I am; He is so much greater than all our sin.

Why should i ever fear? Why should I feel broken? When i stumble and fall, My God will life me up, because He is greater than all!

He alone, Jesus, my rock…

He alone, Jesus my defense…

no prayer goes unanswered, no cry goes unheard, no, not one, shall be forsaken. Jesus, alone, greater than all sin…

The Cure

Alive and well is the beast in this land.

This cursed land in which we dwell.

Ignorance is bliss, we say,

But the knowledge of such danger, is necessity.

 

Preying and feasting

On all the breathing,

No matter what

We hold ourselves accountable.

 

When we face the beast and lose all our strength

“Where is the hand?” we cry

When things don’t go our way.

When trials come,

Desperation seeks

For the risen help our souls need.

But shall it grant the favor?

Bestow grace on the ungrateful fakes?

God help us.

 

Lord have mercy on us

For asking in time of need,

But giving a blind eye;

Turning the cold shoulder

When life is just fine.

We all deserve the worse.

Hell at its finest is all too good for me.

 

I deserve the bottom of the pit

Even tho it can’t be reached.

I should go there;

Dwell there.

 

I deserve the worst…

But then came the blood

Thicker than any other,

Stronger than any antidote.

The cure,

The thing that saves

 

The desperate and wicked.

This cure is the salvation of the beast

And his venom;

The poison it injects in each and every victim.

But I won’t be that victim any longer!

For the blood that was spilt offered me more than a death sentence,

But a life sentence

To freedom in eternal love and hope

Peace and joy.

 

The one thing that the beast is vulnerable-

The blood,

The cure.

As Life Now Begins

I have reached a new checkpoint in life

and

people are already challenging me

expecting me to fall

to fail

to mess up and “prove” i made a mistake

well, all i can say…

“As life now begins

i feel a little scared,

but i know that with the faith i have gained,

God will always be there.

as life now begins,

i know that times will be hard,

but even if i never made any distance,

there would still be obstacles.

as life now begins,

all the doubters can doubt,

but they will see in a few years,

that their doubt is what sprung a fire in me to succeed.

as life now begins, i want nothing but to prove them wrong.

show them, its possible, and that i am not crazy.

show them that even tho i hit a downfall,

i am treading up hill, at an enduring speed.

i feel God’s hand upon me.

yes, there are those that feel different.

think that because they have a spiritual authority,

that my calling and what i feel is God,

is nothing.

well,

to them i say, hah hah

think what you like.

say what you like.

hate on me.

prey on me.

but i will pray for you, because you are being led astray by your own pride…

as life now begins,

i am slow to make friends.

friends turn into enemies quickly.

when big things come in life,

friends should never leave your side.

friends should never talk bad about you,

talk down to you,

make you feel lesser…

but many times do.

and it is then that i realize how much of a friend they truly are.

they like many in the world, out for themselves

looking out for themselves.

“what will i look like…” and the like.

i dont have time for those who second guess my friendship.

its as genuine as it can come.

but only to some.

those who dont truly understand a true friendship, arent true friends.

they dont comprehend what they once had.

but it is now lost,

second chances are a downgrade.

things will NEVER be the same.

but nevertheless i will always be a friend.

as life now begins,

i am learning every day,

things that i shouldve known for years,

that i never had the chance.

being held back has made things different.

not just hard,

but different.

the embarrassment…

being humbled at common sense things…

as life now begins,

i have found a new me.

taking on life,

head-on, full force, bring the rain

i fight through pain

as life now begins.