Ready, Set, GO!!

Should i just stop trying?

just live?

should i just stop caring?

just go with the flow?

im not what i used to be,

and sadly i dont know what that was.

i just know nothing feels the same anymore.

im ready to just do whatever i want,

free spirit.

i dont want boundaries.

i want to do whatever i please.

if that means leaving all ive ever known,

then ready, set, GO!

im gone.

Advertisements

Try

​Don’t tell me that you are ok

And don’t say your fine, it was only one time.

We both know that you will keep going back to it.

You are controlled, like a puppet.

You are dependent on it

You crave it,

And give in time and time again…

You say it’s harder than you think and use that as an excuse,

To give up

Never try…

That’s why you lose.

How are you supposed to ever become stronger if you never fight

And never have faith in the only thing that will defeat the hardest battles?

I don’t think you care.

I don’t think you want anything different…

You attract nightmares.

Clammy. Waking up in the middle of the night crying. Shaking. Begging God to erase the visions.

You have withdrawals and use wine and alcohol to help you cope.

If you life is so happy why do you have to escape?

Why not be sober?

Soak up the moment?

It’s because you are miserable. But you are addicted to misery.

And you want to change. But you don’t. 

You are at war and in conflict about what life you want.

Heartache and pain is addicting…

And true happiness seems to take work.

So you stop trying.

Secure Me

when will i try enough
i say i do, but it doesn’t show.

only the stresses in my head let me know

i care,

but the efforts i have cease to reflect anything of the sort

no one sees

nor understands my pain

i am hurting so much inside because i have yet to become anything more than just a girl

a girl who cant live outside of home and work

do i even meet up to standards and wishes of those i love?

no.

at least not the ones who said they would always love me.

 

and i often wonder:

why is it always the struggle of love

not even lusts,

but love.

the feeling that you are wanted and deserved instead of forgotten and irrelevant

and part of me wants to believe they still love me

for more than an obligation…

they are obligated to talk to me, or respond anyway

i push things and fall

pushing on a weightless object and i fall hard.

 

and then the one i fought for,

i know the love is there, but…

my insecurity haunts me. so much

i cry!

why cant i just be secure!

not just know, but believe!

belief is so hard for me…

it requires trust and trust doesn’t come so easy…

anymore.

i don’t trust anyone or anything.

i have little to no faith and i have no idea where to go about finding it.

i pray for it, i ask for an open mind…

but i trained myself to shut that off.

fear over hope.

fear over trust.

fear over anything besides myself…

yet that’s the problem.

how can i even put faith in myself when i am weak and nothing but a girl.

i am nothing to trust

because

i don’t even believe in myself.

 

my biggest weakness has turned out to be myself.

i have no sense of security in knowing things will be okay,

i believe that God can do anything,

but “will he?” is the question…

that is my problem.

i don’t trust he will…

yet i know God has the best in mind.

i just don’t like letting go.

i want to be in control.

independent, i need help giving myself over to the right One.

the right person. the only one who will secure me.