The ONE Thing

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My heart
It can’t handle this
I thought I erased the pain
But it’s still there
More so than before
I thought that I had victory over this feeling
But this is more than a feeling and it is controlling my being
And my mind is screaming
My stomach is leaving
My body
Aching
From the hurt I have held
I long so much for the one thing
The one thing!
I desire so much
I can’t seem to see the light
I don’t know the reason why
It is wrong
Why is it wrong!?
That is where I belong
That is what I have needed for so long
And I love him
I need him
He needs me
He wants me
It isn’t fair
I cannot see how life can be so brutal
As to keep you from what you love so much
To the point of
Your eyes
Forgetting what it feels like to be dry
Your ears
No longer responding to reality
Your mind
So full of millions of thoughts but the only thought you keep dwelling on is the one thing
The one thing!
That you can’t have
Why do I have to be so greedy!?
Why do I have to want something so much that I would kill for it?
I would die for it
Because honestly,
Dying for it would be easier than living without it
I have bled over this for years
And when I finally see it within my reach
It disappears
It fades
But yet it’s still there
And it yells at me
‘’hey, I want you!’’
And I can’t say anything other than ‘’I want you too’’
It does me no good!
I am here
Dying
Inside
Burning alive
In my own flames of heartache
They are burning me alive!
I can’t see past the scorching torment they inflict upon me
Oh God!
Please tell me!
Help me see!
Help me understand why things are the way they are
Why do I have to be drawn to the forbidden fruit?
Must I die if I eat it?
I am considering it
I am dying without it
This thing,
This ONE THING!!
I can’t live without it
God,
You say you won’t let us go through what we can’t endure
But I don’t know if I can go on much longer
Please
I beg of you
Rip my heart out
Steal my mind
Take away my feelings
So I don’t fall in love ever again
I don’t want to be in love
I don’t want to understand it anymore
Why did I have to fall in love?
And why… Why! did it have to be the one thing!
The one thing!!
That I didn’t know was forbidden until I reached for it
Almost as if I was teased
Like holding a steak in front of a starving and rabid wolf,
Then taking it away
Leaving the wolf to steam and fume over the lie
Leaving that wolf to moan over the hunger it has
And you took it back
Like you gave a homeless beggar
One million dollars
Changed his life
Let him dine in the finest of restaurants and buy a nice home
Buy a yacht
Travel the world
Buy a Lamborghini
Let him drive it
He spends much of his free gift
Then…
It is taken back
And he is left with nothing again
And not only that
But now,
He owes all that money back
And if he doesn’t pay it he goes to prison
Well,
That’s how I feel
I am in prison
I am in a prison called heartbreak
And there is no such escape
Nothing can describe the pain I feel
No word
No picture
No nothing
I feel so much that it can’t be comprehended
Only misunderstood
No one can possibly know what I am going through
Leave me on the train tracks
Run over my soul and leave me to be eaten
By the maggots of emptiness, and loneliness,
Leave me to my numbness.

What If

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What if?

Don’t let someone determine the outcome of your life. Life knocks you down? You just get back up and move forward… A man once said, “Well what if that someone that knocked you down was the only thing you knew? And the only thing you knew wasn’t there to help you back up to your feet? Now your a changed person and it’s not a good change. Your heart is set to stone and the only place you know as home is the floor you sleep on at night. You feel like it’s the closes thing you have because your body is close to the floor.” Well where’s the man that told you life is going to knock you down, where is he now? Is he helping you back to your feet is he helping you move forward in your life. No he’s not. And sometimes the only faith you have and the only faith you believe in will leave you….. But what if this is a test? What if the man that told you “when life knocks you down to get back up”, hasn’t left your side and hasn’t forgot about you. What if, he’s seeing if your strong enough to go though the test that life gives you, even tho his people broke you down and made you feel like a misfit in this big world we call home?  What if? -by Brendan Fitzsimmons

This is one of my very best friends writing. He inspires me all the time and I hope this inspires you. He has a YouTube channel also. Subscribe to him! https://youtu.be/i-7c43cVFWQ

Heartbreak From Doubts

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Tears stroll down my face
Not from joy
But from pain
I love you and I thought you felt the same
But with her there I know its not just me
I wonder if you like her more than me
Her head rests on yours
You stroke her back as you embrace each other
And here I am again
Heartbroken
More than I ever imagine
The pain in my heart pushes aside the fact that we were never truly together
But I have done nothing but dreamt of us being together forever
You were my bright and morning star
My knight in shining armour
The one I sing about
The one I write about
The one I think about nonstop all day long
And I cry because I thought you loved me the same
I know I’m the one to blame
My feelings get ahead of me
Before I know it
I’m broken
With my heart torn on my sleeve
I’ve wondered where you’ve been
I’ve wondered what has kept you busy
And I just push away all my thought and worry
Because how could a relationship last with no trust?
I have to let go and give you that much
But I’m afraid to believe that you love me
Especially after seeing what I saw
But how would you feel if that was me?
Would you ask me if I truly loved you?
If I was being loyal from the start?
Before a commitment was officially made you have already broken my heart.
So where do I go from here?
Do I confront you?
Ask you what’s up?
Do I tell you what I saw
Or just pass that chance up?
Because I want to have trust.
But I don’t want to take a chance of more mental heartache and aguish
Stress and fear
Tears every night when I lay down my head
Thinking about what you are doing constantly
And if you are cheating.
I’m not ready for that.
I can’t handle that.
Its been years of me loving you
And now that its finally happening
You go and do something like this and I regret we started talking.
Forgive me if I’m wrong.
I still love you.
I always have.
And I will continue to love you as long as I live.
Because I can’t just forget
Feelings that have progressed for over five years
No matter how much I may try
They are not going to disappear.
I know this love isn’t mistaken.
Maybe for you it might be
But for me it is more than just a silly feeling.
My heart wrenches as I fear what you might be doing.
Forgetting me
And ignoring me
So you fulfil your lustful cravings
Is it because I didn’t give you that?
I couldn’t provide you that?
Well you didn’t ask.
Maybe honestly is what you lack.

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