The ONE Thing

image

My heart
It can’t handle this
I thought I erased the pain
But it’s still there
More so than before
I thought that I had victory over this feeling
But this is more than a feeling and it is controlling my being
And my mind is screaming
My stomach is leaving
My body
Aching
From the hurt I have held
I long so much for the one thing
The one thing!
I desire so much
I can’t seem to see the light
I don’t know the reason why
It is wrong
Why is it wrong!?
That is where I belong
That is what I have needed for so long
And I love him
I need him
He needs me
He wants me
It isn’t fair
I cannot see how life can be so brutal
As to keep you from what you love so much
To the point of
Your eyes
Forgetting what it feels like to be dry
Your ears
No longer responding to reality
Your mind
So full of millions of thoughts but the only thought you keep dwelling on is the one thing
The one thing!
That you can’t have
Why do I have to be so greedy!?
Why do I have to want something so much that I would kill for it?
I would die for it
Because honestly,
Dying for it would be easier than living without it
I have bled over this for years
And when I finally see it within my reach
It disappears
It fades
But yet it’s still there
And it yells at me
‘’hey, I want you!’’
And I can’t say anything other than ‘’I want you too’’
It does me no good!
I am here
Dying
Inside
Burning alive
In my own flames of heartache
They are burning me alive!
I can’t see past the scorching torment they inflict upon me
Oh God!
Please tell me!
Help me see!
Help me understand why things are the way they are
Why do I have to be drawn to the forbidden fruit?
Must I die if I eat it?
I am considering it
I am dying without it
This thing,
This ONE THING!!
I can’t live without it
God,
You say you won’t let us go through what we can’t endure
But I don’t know if I can go on much longer
Please
I beg of you
Rip my heart out
Steal my mind
Take away my feelings
So I don’t fall in love ever again
I don’t want to be in love
I don’t want to understand it anymore
Why did I have to fall in love?
And why… Why! did it have to be the one thing!
The one thing!!
That I didn’t know was forbidden until I reached for it
Almost as if I was teased
Like holding a steak in front of a starving and rabid wolf,
Then taking it away
Leaving the wolf to steam and fume over the lie
Leaving that wolf to moan over the hunger it has
And you took it back
Like you gave a homeless beggar
One million dollars
Changed his life
Let him dine in the finest of restaurants and buy a nice home
Buy a yacht
Travel the world
Buy a Lamborghini
Let him drive it
He spends much of his free gift
Then…
It is taken back
And he is left with nothing again
And not only that
But now,
He owes all that money back
And if he doesn’t pay it he goes to prison
Well,
That’s how I feel
I am in prison
I am in a prison called heartbreak
And there is no such escape
Nothing can describe the pain I feel
No word
No picture
No nothing
I feel so much that it can’t be comprehended
Only misunderstood
No one can possibly know what I am going through
Leave me on the train tracks
Run over my soul and leave me to be eaten
By the maggots of emptiness, and loneliness,
Leave me to my numbness.

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